My mom, who has been back home for 3 weeks with 24/7 care after a stroke, calls me 20 times a day (though I block the calls while I'm at work) telling me she needs me to cancel the aides because she doesn't need them. NO amount of reasoning or logic gets through to her. I feel just terrible for her, because she lives in a small apartment and it is very claustrophobic with an aide there 24/7 but there is no other option. She was twice as miserable in the SNF. I just called her and screamed and sobbed and told her there's nothing I can do about the fact that she had a stroke and that she needs care. She cannot hear it or accept it as reality and insists that I need to tell the aides not to come. Today I started sobbing and screaming and told her to shut the f*ck up and hung up on her. Of course I feel terrible, but I am losing my own mind due to all this and other stuff in my life. Her boyfriend and I visit and take her out 2-4 times a week. She has TV but won't watch it.
You know your mom best, and you know what has "won" her over in the past. Use whatever strategy works for you. Good thoughts!
My blood pressure has returned to normal. Now that she's home from the SNF and this trust is in the works, I feel like I'm over the hurdle regarding her care. There's more to do, of course, but I am so relieved to have these challenges behind me. IF the election goes the way I want it to, that will be cause for a huge celebration.
Again, thank you all so much for your support through all this. It's been such a help. I hope to help others on this site who are going through similar stuff.
We are still at odds due to last night's argument about all of this. I am distressed at how my mom is so quick to turn on me and not acknowledge all I've done for her, so it's nice that people here acknowledge it!
Needless to say, the lawyer fees are obscene. Obscene. And we owe the longterm care unit of the SNF $16,000 for her two weeks there. It all feels like Monopoly money at this point. Whatever.
Your mom's cognitive loss from the stroke, and even prior to that ( thinking about the hoarding and her inability to see that she needed to change something about THAT scenario) her emotional/ cognitive deficits do not add up to someone who is ever going to be
Grateful
Reasonable
Predictable.
It's going to be a rollercoaster ride with her and you need to steel yourself to the idea that it mat not be the mom you " expect" when you open the door or answer the phone. In facy, i find that just when I think I've got things figured out, mom changes and there is a new normal.
That's why i hang out here, with folks who understand. Bless you, Xina! Be well!
At this point I have to add "me as well".
My husband and myself invited my then 83 year old widowed Dad, to come and live with us, if he chose to do so. He had lived alone for a year after Mum died and he was deteriorating in body and mind. I couldn't bear to have him lonely, even perhaps dieing alone and my husband backed me all the way.
Dad gladly accepted, he has thrived and looks better than ever. He has however slowed down a lot mentally, easily confused and very forgetful.
Almost 2 years on my own physical health has deteriorated to the extent that my husband is virtually running the household for 3 adults. He is worn out and I have been to hell and back emotionally, the stress of having Dad here and sharing the same problems that are already logged here by despairing good people. Trying to accept that we can't look after Dad now and that he might well outlive ourselves.
I have had a heartrending discussion with him trying to explain why we are asking him to move into A L by 2019. How do I live with the pain it will cause him to uproot and leave?
All the avenues have been examined but the fact remains that, in order to reclaim our sanity, physical health and wellness, we have to sacrifice Dad's contentedness here, with us.
I won't go on, it's all been said by similarly torn -apart people but it is strangely comforting to share this heartbreak with people who understand only too well. X
Once Dad got use to Assisted Living he liked the idea of being around people of his own generation. So much in common to talk about. My gosh, people who actually lived through the Great Depression, World War II, comparing their first automobile, comparing employment, etc.
And he loved the meals, oh how he loved them.... in fact when it was time to head to the main dining room, one had to make sure you weren't in Dad's way :)
During the mornings my Dad had physical therapy which he liked doing, then the afternoons he could do whatever he wanted, so he liked reading the newspapers, his books, and watching TV. I was all smiles at how happy he was. Not once did he ever put on an act saying he wanted to go back to his house.
Now, Assisted Living is usually self-pay, would Dad be able to budget that? If not, then look for a nice nursing home where Medicaid can jump in to help pay for room, board, and care.