I live with my daughter and son-in-law. My daughter just had a baby. My mom had a heart attack in October. I quit working to come home and take care of mom in January. Mom is okay most of the time. However, she can be manipulative and has cursed at all of us at different times. When the baby cries, mom tells my daughter to come and get me. I’ve told her more than once to let my daughter handle her own baby. I have the baby all night, so my daughter knows to ask during the day if she needs me. The baby whining in the walker is not cause for waking me up. I’m typically tired in the morning because I don’t sleep well watching over the baby. It’s probably habit, but I keep looking to see that she’s okay. I’m also a night owl. My mom has literally come to my door and said, “Oh, I thought the baby was in here.” Anyway, she’s declining and a bit like a five-year-old. My daughter says mom makes her anxious. My son-in-law is off work now and literally playing a video game in his truck. I told my mom off just now, because she went in her room and came back with her phone. She called her cousin and said she was “just making it.” She called my older brother and told him this living with me wasn’t working out. She said that because I told her I left the room to change my gown so I could feed the baby. It was not three minutes before she was up trying to get the baby’s toy that had dropped in her lap in the walker. She can’t stand for her to whine at all, and my granddaughter (who is generally happy) has entered a stage where she whines for no reason. Just will look at you and whine. You can even do something silly. She’ll either laugh and go back to whining or just start giggling. She’s beautiful and loved so much. When the baby cries, my mom will walk into the room and stare at my daughter. I was so upset at my mom calling my brother that I told her she is free to move to a nursing home. I also had a strong muscle spasm in my back that really hurt. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. I’m 55. My brother is 60. My mom is 78. My brother has no room, and we are just about out of patience. It’s not major. For instance, I went back to sleep this morning. Mom got into the shower and was calling me to come scrub her back. I didn’t hear her. My daughter came and told me. I’m worn out and feeling like (with the pandemic) I’m trapped.
My grandmother and great grandmother were HUGE parts of my upbringing, even from birth, so, I really appreciate how a grandmother's love and attention can add to a child's life. It's really special and if you feel inclined and are able, I'd follow your heart, if you want to keep providing care for the child. It would be of enormous benefit to her, imo, but, I am biased. At one time, we had 4 generations living under one roof! It was awesome and brought the kids and seniors so much. But, that's up to you. I hope it works out.
"I am caring for my mother Pearl, who is 78 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, incontinence..."
So its your home and Mom has always lived with you? Then, you have allowed daughter and SIL to live there and now there's a baby.
Too many people in one house. Someone needs to go.. For me, that would be the daughter. Not much you can do about the situation right now. Your Mom has ALZ/Dementia you can't change her. So u and daughter will need to realize that Moms brain is dying. What she says and does you are going to have to try and ignore.
I agree with Worried that the baby needs to be cared for by the mother and father. Looks like neither are working so should have no problem getting up in the middle of the night. You on the other hand need to care for Mom. For now that's your job. When this Covid thing is over, then decisions can be made. Mom goes to an AL or LTC. Or your daughter and husband go out on their own.
When Mom came to live with us I was watching a 20 month old. My daughter had to find Daycare. I could not do both. That same daughter was pregnant at 16. I watched her first son during the day, but when she came home from school, he was her's. She fed him, bathed him, put him to bed. Then she did her schoolwork. She got up in the middle of night, not me, with him. I still had an 8 yr old at home.
Please, do not enable this couple. They now are a family and as such should be on their own. Even if that means them both working and the baby put in Daycare. (There is help with the cost)
I agree. You’ve trapped yourself.
Why aren’t you telling all of these people NO?
why are you taking the baby at night? Your son-in-law isn’t working. He’s home. There are 2 parents and 1 baby. There’s no reason for you to take the baby all night. And sorry not sorry but even if your SIL was working, there’s still no reason to take the baby at night. Your daughter should be taking care of her child. Just like you did when she was a baby. If you are taking care of your mother during the day, you should be sleeping at night. Let your daughter and son in law take care of their child!
If your mother can shower herself, why is she calling you to scrub her back?
as far as how she acts when the baby cries....I sympathize with your daughter. It sounds like your mother should be redirected when the baby cries. So when you see her staring at your daughter, please, try to redirect her. Reassure her that the baby is fine.
does your mother have dementia or something? You say she’s declining. Have you considered moving her in to assisted living? Something has to change here. None of this is fair to you. You can’t be expected to take care of everyone.