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Feeding, bathing etc after two close surgeries, much constant pain and a variety of other medical issues.


My husband is in rehab for strengthening and rehab of shoulders. He hates it and wants to come home. He has endless requests and depression keeps him hyper focused on his discomforts. I am tired just dealing with him and staying most of the day with him. I know he will be the same at home. Having a terrible time getting him in to see someone to be evaluated and treated.


It makes me feel so guilty having him stay, but I worry about my own emotional state when he comes home. He’s a retired physician and used to being in charge. I need a plan!

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If your Son thinks it is a picnic for you, perhaps he needs to help you out! It probably wouldnt take long for him to see what you go through but I'm guessing he isnt around much or your husband is nicer when he is. I am sorry they aren't supporting you by at least understanding your circumstances. Even that helps a great deal for me. Someone suggested a Neurologist. I've had more luck with our MD. He is the one who diagnosed my husband in the beginning. One of the first signs of Alzheimer's is being totally unreasonable. If you have my chart or whatever the doctor's office calls it, you can pass the problems directly to the doctor and have him in for a check up. That's what I had to do. I would have never gotten him th o a Neurologist.

I have checked with an Elder Estate Attorney and will soon find out a little more information but for now I'm managing. Still, on days when things go well with no major problems, I too feel like maybe I'm wrong to go through with this. As you said, we have always taken care of things and as a wife we even feel it's our duty, thus the guilt. I have it too! But on a day when out of the blue my husband acts out badly, I think how much longer can I just do nothing and I feel justified, less guilt.

I definately would follow up on any advice you've received. Even that is frustrating because you always have to leave messages and wait for a call back. Sometimes that doesnt happen and you call again. I was told by the Elder Estate people that I have to get Social Services to evaluate my husband in order for him to go to a nursing home. I left messages twice before they even responded. She only said she would put him on the list and it was another week or so getting an appointment scheduled. At this time I'm still waiting. It also took weeks to get an appointment with the lawyer. I was told they have to be unable to do five or more things for themselves to qualify for nursing home care.

Even if you think you can't do it right now, find out more about what's out there. If you can go to a support group, the Agency on Aging has those here. I haven't been because I dont have anyone to stay here as he wanders. If you're working, that might be hard for you too. Ours meet once a month and they provide lunch. You need a sympathetic hear to just listen.

Again, I will pray for you and I'm glad to hear that you look to Him already! That has helped me but now I cant even go to church which I'm missing very much. Your pastor would counsel with you also.
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Reply to Sharonheart1942
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If he is a retired Dr you are probably in a position to get more help than many of us.. And as I work with many,, I get that he is used to "being the boss". Too bad your son feels the same way.. So now you say "I can't ",, even if you always did. The scene has changed, and you need help! And he will be resisitant to seeing another DR.. Oh the shame!! Stay strong.. my thoughts are with you all.. good luck!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Can he understand if you tell him that if he doesn't stay and do rehab then he will be unable to go home with you? If yes, tell him and tell him to cut it out, you aren't his scratching post and he can play nice or play alone. Everytime he is out of line, tell him and if he gets ugly, do it multiple times daily at the rehab so others can see what a jerk he is and help you get help for you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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booklover73 Mar 31, 2019
i don't have the personality to do what you suggested, but the stronger
attitude is definitely what i need to project to my husband. he does try to
push my buttons to his advantage. thank you
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Have you considered a respite stay in an IL/AL community after rehab before coming home? It’s way he can get additional care when insurance cuts from rehab but someone isn’t really ready to come home. Lots of times people who go in for respite stays like this into IL/AL end up really adapting and become full time residents. Without knowing your financial situation - as IL/AL Communities (even for respite stays) arent coveted by insurance, they’re all private pay-with the exception of Long term care insurance and V.A. benefits (which a lot of people don’t know V.A. benefits are also available for widows of Veterans). Of course the doctor visits, any medications and things of that nature MCR/Private Insurances still cover residents while in IL/AL Communities. Don’t feel bad-it’s very overwhelming to be primary caregiver alone for your significant other (or any lived one) both mentally and physically, you aren’t alone. What more people need to remember, especially woman or mothers is if you aren’t able to take good care of yourself, you can’t take good care of others! Sometimes even just periodic respite stays are perfect solution to reset and refresh both yourself and your relationship with your loved one! As others suggested there are lots of places you can talk to that will give you great information on what options you have: from your local aging agency, senior centers, elder care attorneys (some offer free consultations) & even by contacting a few IL/AL Communities. Their Admissions person is a great tool for options and local contacts - they should know the best referral contacts in your area for anything related to caring for a loved one. Just remember you shouldn’t feel guilty for knowing what’s too much for your own health & wanting the best for your loved one!!!
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Reply to Mamdyleah3
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booklover73 Mar 31, 2019
thank you for your reminders of my not guilty status while just trying to do my best.
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Medicare pays 100% the first 20 days. 21 to 100 50%. Supplimental may pick up some but your cost maybe $160 a day. So how long he stays has to do with Medicare and if you can pay. Medicare will have him discharged once he is to the point he cannot be helped anymore.

Ask if he can be evaluated while in rehab. Ask if a neurologist can be called in.

If this is too much for you, then consider having him transferred to LTC after rehab. Talk to a SW there. You are the Community spouse so will not be impoverished. Medicaid will look at your finances. With my GF, her parents had their SS and pension. 60k in the bank. Medicaid required that the 60k be split, 30k to each, and Dads half be spent down. Not sure how the SS was split and pension but GFs Mom remained in the house and had the car. If the SW is iffy about how this all works, make an appt with ur local Medicaid office.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Have you discussed this with his doctor? I assume he is on Medicare. If so, they normally only keep them 20 days and I don't know if the doctor could help to keep him there for that period or not. I know in home care is very expensive so I I'm assuming that isn't an option either but if it is maybe you can arrange for a little help to relieve you. If your husband is a Veteran they may have some options for respite in home care and also may provide some financial aid depending on your income. You may also consider a Day Care facility. VA will help with that too. If VA isn't an option, check with the Agency on Aging in your area and possible Social Services. These are the things I've done to get help. It is very hard when you're trying to care for someone to get any help. I know because I've been going through this with my husband who soon will be 77 and needs 24/7 care. I've found minimal help for respite with the VA and could take my husband to Day Care for a $15 a day copays for 3 days a week and qualified for seven 6 hour days within a 90 day period of respite care. After the first 90 day period, you must wait 90 days. For me the Day Care doesn't work as my husband is up all night but sleeps off and on during the day making it very hard to take him out. Still he needs someone here because he may wander. Unfortunately, there isn't much help available if you have tried to work and save all your life. I am probably being of no help to you and I think our caregiving circumstances are totally different; but I wanted to reach out to you just to let you know you're not alone and someone cares and understands about your dilemma. I pray each day for guidance and strength from God and I'll lift you in prayer that God will provide a solution to carry you through. God bless you!
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Reply to Sharonheart1942
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booklover73 Mar 31, 2019
thank you so much for your thoughtful and factual reply. you don't know
how much i appreciate your prayers. i know God is helping me and i am trying to take hold and manage things. i have been more vocal about my needs and the reality of trying to care for him in our home. he really does
just want his way and our son is totally in his camp. a mother/wife can do everything is the way they look at it since i always have.
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