How do I justify to my husband that my sister, who is caring for our mother, needs my presence?

I've been sleeping at my mom's house for 3 1/2 years. My brother comes from another state every few weeks to give me a break and a I thankful for that. My husband sleeps at our house which is down the street from my mom's. He cares for our beloved pets. He's nevrr complained about our situation. He does his laundry, feeds himself, tries his best to keep the house clean all while working two jobs. It can be done but it takes a lot of sacrifice on all our parts! I have grieved my previous life more than you can ever know. It takes a lot of selflessness on everyone involved.

I think Jeannegibb is right on. My parents would be horrified if their care put a strain on a marriage

There might be more going on your relationship than what is fully told (which is your private business) If he is just being selfish, that in one thing, but you need to be true to your self and ask if his issues are legitimate. I support my spouse when it comes to caring for his family, but after a while, it seem to me to me that he was more concerned with his family than me. It seemed there was one issue after another. He was the go-to person. I began to feel second place to his family. He and I talked about it. Is your sister married? Do you have children still at home? You are between a rock and a hard place. Dedication to your spouse and help to care for your mom who you love. I believe that prayer and you and your spouse sharing your true concerns are might help. Keep us posted. Someone else might have the same issue which this post might help

I took care of my parents long distance for the last 15 plus years. 10 years ago my father passed away after being in a nursing home for two months for heart problems and dementia.My mom couldn't handle the care any more. At that time I was working full time and flying across country 4-5 times a year to take care of things. After he passed I went to my moms 4 times a year to take care of her stuff. Each trip was about a week sometimes more. I kept asking her to move her with me and about 2 a half years ago she did. She stayed at the house for 2 years, then doctor said she needed to go to nursing home after being diagnosed with CHF, renal failure, dementia.My husband had been very supportive until the last month. He wants me to take time off from going to home. He is worried about my health. Maybe yours is too. The travel and stress will beat you down. I know I'm tired. I finally had to tell him I will continue to go everyday so there is someone she knows and keeps her up to date on her family and life. I told him his complaining is causing more stress to me. He said he was just worried and will back off. Talk to hubby. Maybe he's worried about you. Care giving is hard work. Hope this helps.

My first reaction was that he is using this as a handy excuse to leave. Of course that is based solely on personal experience since I don't have enough facts to offer any solid advice based on those facts.

I would suggest sitting down and talking with your husband and find out why he feels this way. Which should work unless you have a total breakdown in communications in the marriage.

Good luck.

I think marriages come before parents. But solid marriages should be able to also accommodate reasonable interruptions to attend to parents or other loved ones. If you are gone for a week or two a few times a year, or several long weekends, that seems "reasonable" and shouldn't threaten your marriage. If you leave for months at a time and obsess about your mother and your sister all the time when you are home, that may not be reasonable.

Your marriage should come first, but that doesn't mean there is nothing else in your life that you attend to!

It is absolutely wonderful that your spend time with your mother and help your sister! But if Sis doesn't have enough help with your reasonable visits, might it be time to bring in some in-home care? Or even consider placing Mom in a care center? Of course you would still visit Mother, but perhaps not for long periods at a time. And Sister would have consistent respite. I don't say this for your husband's sake, but for your sister.

Couples counseling might be a good investment of time. Something is not right in this marriage relationship. A professional may help you sort this out.

If he is threatening to leave you because you are going to care for YOUR MOTHER several times a year....hm. Unless there is some really major detail you forgot (your Sister/Mom hate him & have always tried to break the two of you up, you are gone for months, you hang out with your ex-husband/high-school boyfriend, or go you partying at casinos & blow the household budget), I'm not sure what his objection is.

I agree with all the ladies here ,, My husband would never have threatened something like that .. so I don't understand why yours would ? what else is going on ?

I agree with the others, there is a lot you're not telling us so it is difficult to say anything. I know a lady that left her DH to live with her mother in another state and her mother lived another 8+ years!

When my dad needed my presence, we were fortunate that I could place a mobile home on my property and navigate between both abodes to care for Dad and DH however it was needed.

The only thing I can suggest is you sit down with your DH and find out the reason he is thinking of leaving you over this. The answer might surprise you - and again, maybe not. You can't fix a problem until and unless you understand it from all angles.

You sound like a compassionate person to offer your sister help with your mother. My siblings took the selfish/easy route and are turning their backs completely on me and my parents.. leaving me to do it all.

I think as long as it isn't taking over your life and your time with your husband.. he should be gratetful he has a wife with these compassionate qualities.

Another thing you can do outside of visits is let your sister know you appreciate what she is doing.. calls, cards.. anything to let her know you care. These are some things you can do to without requiring more time away from your husband. (although in person help is also awesome for your poor sister).

Please at least stay involved in some way... it is so difficult to be left all alone with this tremendous burden of caregiving.

Wow, is this threat serious or just an empty threat?

When my mom needed help - my husband's immediate response was "we need to do the right thing". It wasn't easy but mom was family.

There is obviously more to the story here.

I doubt he would leave but it sounds like you aren't losing a lot if he does. You have to do what you think is right and it doesn't matter if it's 4 times a year or 3, for weeks or months. Just do what your conscience tells you and tell him you hope he stays but if not, you understand. I'm sorry you are being pulled apart like this at an already difficult time.

What is "several times a year," and how long does each time last?

We don't have enough information to weigh in. Do you have responsibilities at home that you are expecting him to take care of? Does he have health issues ? Are you both retired? Does he support you? I'm sorry you feel you have to justify what you feel you need to do. That's an awful feeling. You have to live with you when all is said and done. My first impulse was to say pack his bag but I realize it's not that easy.

For some reason men (and even some women) are needy and self centered. I agree with the other people, and at the same time I get where your sister is coming from.

Your husband needs to have some understanding and compassion, but this might be asking a lot especially if he's been like this for a long time. Nothing against him, it's just that some people don't understand and they need their eyes opened up.

Maybe take your husband for a short time with you to your sister, just a few days to open his eyes. He's a man and he needs to step up and be a man and support you, his wife and your family, because that is what a real man does.

If nothing else, maybe start small and the gradually increase the help?

Brenda, I hate to say this but hubby is sounding like a spoiled child. Good grief, what if this was his Mother and he needed to go help his sibling every now and then. Women understand this, I just don't know why some men feel abandoned when the wife leaves.

Being home alone. One knows how scary those vacuum cleaners and washing machines machines can be :P

I agree that it depends upon how many times a year you visit and for how long.

Leaving 4 times a year for a month each time is much different than leaving 3 times a year for a week.

If your husband feels neglected or abandoned, there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change that feeling.

How long are you gone for each time, and how many times a year? Is he upset because he feels neglected, or is he upset because this is wearing you out?

Does your mother require a higher level of care than either you or your sister can provide at this point?