You tell him you are hiring help for YOU. And then you can attend to him while they do everything else peripheral to the care. This is no longer about what hubby wants, but about what is necessary. You are going to have to take charge and be honest with him. Let him know that when you are unable to attend to his needs at home sufficiently it will be necessary he go into care with you visiting, and that you are getting close to this. While it may sound like a threat, it is in fact THE TRUTH. Good luck.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have had more clients than I can remember who refused to "allow" outside help.
Here's how you handle this. When a person becomes needy be it dementia related or not, they are not the one calling the shots anymore.
So the choice is pretty simple. Either get compliant with homecare coming in or you're going into a nursing home. No ranting and raving. No barking orders. No tantrums.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's. You can still be in charge of his care and even do some if you like, but you are the one in charge here now. Not him.
When I would take on a new case for someone who was stubborn and refused care here's what I'd tell every family. You hire the caregiver. Then you stick around for the first and maybe second visit. After that when the caregivers show up you leave for the duration of their shift.
Makes perfect sense to me! I stayed the first couple of times a new caregiver came to our house for my mom.
After that I left her alone with them because I could see that mom was in capable hands.
Fortunately, mom didn’t complain about having a caregiver. She enjoyed seeing a new face. She was glad that I had a break.
I would think most people will get used to having a caregiver. Even when they don’t, what can they do? My husband’s grandfather fired his private caregivers on a daily basis!
My FIL told them to ignore his ranting. He paid the caregivers a lot of money because he felt like they deserved it for putting up with his dad’s behavior.
My husband’s grandfather eventually stopped firing them and even appreciated their care. I don’t know how common it is to fire someone on a daily basis.
He has a choice. You hire in home caregivers because you CANNOT do this alone anymore, or he can move into Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care where a team of caregivers will be there for him 24/7. Even with Alzheimer's/dementia, most elders can understand this choice and what it means for you to be worn out. You matter too.
My mom was living with me and hubby for 7 years. As her dementia increased, I started hiring helpers. Mom did not want it but I needed it!
When she could no longer keep her room/bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) for ME because I drew a line in the sand where I was not adding ANY more work to my plate.
Next I added a caregiver for a few hours a couple times a week to get us started on the path. I added more and more as time went on. Mom complained at times, especially if my hubby and I were going out on a date and she'd tell me she didn't need a babysitter. Hmmmmm - yes you do but of course I never said that. I said that I was more comfortable with someone here so I could go out and have fun and not have to worry if she was OK and hurry home, etc.
When this became too much, I put her in AL. Using the homecaregivers was very helpful and kept mom out of a facility for an extra year or so.
Your husband does NOT need to agree. You're in charge. You need help. So do it.
Hire help for YOU. The person can "help" you with laundry, cleaning and other "hands off" things. Then one day say.."OH my, I ran out of milk! Betty can you keep Harold company while I run to the store?" Stay out for an hour or so. In another day or so do the same thing "I forgot I have a hair appointment, Betty can you stay with Harold while I get my hair done?" After a few times of "Betty" helping "Harold" he will be less resistant to the help.
He either agrees to home care or he goes into a home. That’s it. Those are the only two options.
When my dad first went on hospice he agreed to overnight aides, and then threw a tantrum the first night. My mom was up for three days. We were all spending alternate nights and by day 9 my ys was setting things up to transfer him to a different hospice that also had a home. He died two days later at home like he wanted.
He doesn’t need any help? He only wants you? He doesn't want to waste money? Or just a No. Don't want.
My parent says all that. The other would explain patiently with all sorts of reason; Well the help is for ME. This person will be fine. It's worth the cost. But still get stressed & blocked by the inflexible No.
Two problems existed. 1 Reason could not win over UNreasonble 2. Waiting for permission was futile
New tactics were needed. My suggestions were; Stay silent - but book the care/service anyway. Be stealthy - my FRIEND has come to help, or the service is FREE, we'd be silly not to. Blunt force: We need it. It's happening. I said so. Like it or lump it!
Request a brawny male caregiver who doesn't take "no" for an answer. Visiting Angels or other agency.........perhaps find a guy who was previously a Drill Sergeant.
Let’s face it, it’s hard to be the primary caregiver.
When I was the primary caregiver for my mom, I didn’t give her a choice of whether she wanted additional help or not.
I made it clear to my mother that I needed additional help. I told her that they were quite capable of helping her.
I was fortunate because my mother didn’t object to having outside help. In fact, she enjoyed seeing them and she was glad that I got a break.
I stayed at home when the caregiver came to help mom for the first time or two. After that I left the house. I went to lunch with friends, ran errands that needed to be done, went to doctor appointments, did things with my husband and children, etc.
Having additional help will make it easier for both of you. No one benefits from a burned out caregiver. You deserve a break!
It becomes impossible to do hands on caregiving 24/7. Caregivers in facilities work their shift, go home and rest and then they go back to work refreshed.
MY Dh has been 100% unsuccessful in getting his mother to hire anyone to do anything.
She wants him to haul up to her house and shovel her snow. We moved to an HOA condo so WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOVEL OUR OWN SNOW. OR SHUT OFF OUR SPRINKLER SYSTEM.
DH may as well have not moved, he's doing more for her than he did/does for me.
A person will demand and expect more and more and more care. It never stops.
Dh could hire a lot of stuff out. But they never will.
You have to be a level of tough AND compassionate at the same time, and many people just can't do that.
Which is so sad because everyone has their own needs to attend to. Your MIL thinks she is the queen bee. All of her children are allowing her to wear her crown.
Mid, I hope you, your husband and his siblings don’t collapse from the stress one day.
The stress reaches a point where it becomes intolerable.
The truly sad thing in your MIL’s case is that she is on hospice and it still isn’t enough.
I wish this situation was over for your family. It’s heartbreaking. She needs to be in a facility where she can be cared for 24/7. It’s sad that she’s still in control.
This is no longer about what hubby wants, but about what is necessary. You are going to have to take charge and be honest with him.
Let him know that when you are unable to attend to his needs at home sufficiently it will be necessary he go into care with you visiting, and that you are getting close to this. While it may sound like a threat, it is in fact THE TRUTH.
Good luck.
Here's how you handle this. When a person becomes needy be it dementia related or not, they are not the one calling the shots anymore.
So the choice is pretty simple. Either get compliant with homecare coming in or you're going into a nursing home. No ranting and raving. No barking orders. No tantrums.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's. You can still be in charge of his care and even do some if you like, but you are the one in charge here now. Not him.
When I would take on a new case for someone who was stubborn and refused care here's what I'd tell every family.
You hire the caregiver. Then you stick around for the first and maybe second visit. After that when the caregivers show up you leave for the duration of their shift.
After that I left her alone with them because I could see that mom was in capable hands.
Fortunately, mom didn’t complain about having a caregiver. She enjoyed seeing a new face. She was glad that I had a break.
I would think most people will get used to having a caregiver. Even when they don’t, what can they do? My husband’s grandfather fired his private caregivers on a daily basis!
My FIL told them to ignore his ranting. He paid the caregivers a lot of money because he felt like they deserved it for putting up with his dad’s behavior.
My husband’s grandfather eventually stopped firing them and even appreciated their care. I don’t know how common it is to fire someone on a daily basis.
Good luck to you.
When she could no longer keep her room/bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) for ME because I drew a line in the sand where I was not adding ANY more work to my plate.
Next I added a caregiver for a few hours a couple times a week to get us started on the path. I added more and more as time went on. Mom complained at times, especially if my hubby and I were going out on a date and she'd tell me she didn't need a babysitter. Hmmmmm - yes you do but of course I never said that. I said that I was more comfortable with someone here so I could go out and have fun and not have to worry if she was OK and hurry home, etc.
When this became too much, I put her in AL. Using the homecaregivers was very helpful and kept mom out of a facility for an extra year or so.
Your husband does NOT need to agree. You're in charge. You need help. So do it.
Best of luck navigating this!
The person can "help" you with laundry, cleaning and other "hands off" things.
Then one day say.."OH my, I ran out of milk! Betty can you keep Harold company while I run to the store?"
Stay out for an hour or so.
In another day or so do the same thing "I forgot I have a hair appointment, Betty can you stay with Harold while I get my hair done?"
After a few times of "Betty" helping "Harold" he will be less resistant to the help.
When my dad first went on hospice he agreed to overnight aides, and then threw a tantrum the first night. My mom was up for three days. We were all spending alternate nights and by day 9 my ys was setting things up to transfer him to a different hospice that also had a home. He died two days later at home like he wanted.
He doesn’t need any help?
He only wants you?
He doesn't want to waste money?
Or just a No. Don't want.
My parent says all that. The other would explain patiently with all sorts of reason;
Well the help is for ME.
This person will be fine.
It's worth the cost.
But still get stressed & blocked by the inflexible No.
Two problems existed.
1 Reason could not win over UNreasonble
2. Waiting for permission was futile
New tactics were needed.
My suggestions were;
Stay silent - but book the care/service anyway.
Be stealthy - my FRIEND has come to help, or the service is FREE, we'd be silly not to.
Blunt force: We need it. It's happening. I said so. Like it or lump it!
Well said. Like it or lump it has pretty much been my advice to clients and their families (including my own) for 25 years of service.
When I was the primary caregiver for my mom, I didn’t give her a choice of whether she wanted additional help or not.
I made it clear to my mother that I needed additional help. I told her that they were quite capable of helping her.
I was fortunate because my mother didn’t object to having outside help. In fact, she enjoyed seeing them and she was glad that I got a break.
I stayed at home when the caregiver came to help mom for the first time or two. After that I left the house. I went to lunch with friends, ran errands that needed to be done, went to doctor appointments, did things with my husband and children, etc.
Having additional help will make it easier for both of you. No one benefits from a burned out caregiver. You deserve a break!
It becomes impossible to do hands on caregiving 24/7. Caregivers in facilities work their shift, go home and rest and then they go back to work refreshed.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
MY Dh has been 100% unsuccessful in getting his mother to hire anyone to do anything.
She wants him to haul up to her house and shovel her snow. We moved to an HOA condo so WE DON'T HAVE TO SHOVEL OUR OWN SNOW. OR SHUT OFF OUR SPRINKLER SYSTEM.
DH may as well have not moved, he's doing more for her than he did/does for me.
A person will demand and expect more and more and more care. It never stops.
Dh could hire a lot of stuff out. But they never will.
You have to be a level of tough AND compassionate at the same time, and many people just can't do that.
Mid, I hope you, your husband and his siblings don’t collapse from the stress one day.
The stress reaches a point where it becomes intolerable.
The truly sad thing in your MIL’s case is that she is on hospice and it still isn’t enough.
I wish this situation was over for your family. It’s heartbreaking. She needs to be in a facility where she can be cared for 24/7. It’s sad that she’s still in control.