How do I help with dad's care when we live 1300 miles apart?

A lot of the resentments on the forum are about the main caregiver not receiving fair compensation for everything they are doing. Even when we give our time freely and insist we do it out of love it is hard to chase away that niggling little thought that when all is said and done those who haven't shared the burden equally will inherit an equal share - especially when caregiving stretches into years and decades. I'm a firm believer in paying for the "favours" received as they are given, at the very least your father should be paying gas money for all the driving.

Hi. I don't care give full time, but am the one on the spot, so end up sorting everything, paying bills, talking to agencies, taxiing , reassuring, reminding, over and over again. So much of what could be "my" time is taken with this.Over 14 hours this week and a half, not counting the three phone calls a day. Getting someone else to do the above is not an option and said parent won't accept let alone pay someone just for some company or taxiing for appointments, groceries etc. What I would love from my siblings is acknowledgement of how this impacts my life, some help with the financial costs of running around and some help in helping me catch up with all that doesn't get done on my home front. Don't know whether this helps, but thought I would offer it from a caregiver who is already feeling burnt out and yet not 24 hour caring. Great to read you are aware and wanting to do something about it. Great suggestions above. Good on you :)

CTTN55,
My bro hired a neighbor to clean his house once per week and she also checks on him by knocking on his door in the early evenings.
Sis-in-law told me she doesn't mind helping dad. She's a kind person. I have to go by what she and bro tell me ... and I trust them. It's not 24/7 care, yet. She takes him to dr appts and shopping (including a mattress and a new car for himself). My brother and sil do not take any money from dad.
Dad is critical of everything but passive/aggressive about it.
Dad to me during a visit: "Did you wash your hands before making me a sandwich?" (Of course I did, but was it necessary to ask? He's not a germ-a-phobe.)
Dad to sis-in-law on Thanksgiving: "Thanks for making dinner. Can you cook anything else besides turkey?"
Dad to waitress: The service was great. Do you always wear your skirts that short? (It really wasn't too short.)
Dad to gas station attendant: Consider getting a haircut.
Dad to Moose Lodge cook: Great lobster bisque. Have you been watering it down to go further?
Dad to my bro: You can take care of it.
And then when the chore is done: Why didn't you do it this way? (shows bro how to do it "right.")
One time when visiting, I found some fishing buddies for my dad, but they refused to take him out again because he wouldn't stop telling them how to hold their fishing rods. This isn't the dementia, because he's been like this for many, many years.

It sounds like I'm whining and ... okay, so I am whining, but it is frustrating trying to help him because anything that's done for him, is not done right.
Thank you for your help.

"my sis-in-law shops and cooks for him"

But does she WANT to do this? And is he critical about her meals (you said he is critical towards people). What else does your SIL do for your father? Who cleans his place? 

Thank you, GardenArtist and polarbear! Those are great suggestions. Sometimes being so close to the trees makes it more difficult to see the forest. Since dad is still mobile, home-delivered meals and respite are not necessary, plus my sis-in-law shops and cooks for him so all dad has to do is heat up the meals in microwave. He's still good with that. In fact, at 88 yrs old he is still (has been for years) hand making fishing lures for fishing tackle stores in NY where he lived for most of his life.

I talked to my brother and he brought me up to speed as to what's happening in all areas--health, finances, mental capacity, etc. I'm going there in September, but my bro said he'd call me if anything changes and I need to be there NOW.
The Senior Center is a great idea! Dad is still pretty social, but men his age tend to avoid dad because he likes telling people what they're doing wrong, from how to hold a fork to how to blow your nose. He's extremely critical, which is getting worse as he ages.

I think he's just lonely without mom. They loved each other so very much.
I'm so grateful my brother is there to help dad. He knows I am happy to do whatever I can from here. Thanks again GardenArtist and polarbear!

Patts - it sounds like your dad doesn't want strangers to help him. And your brother is most likely stressed out/ burned out from caregiving.

The good thing is that your dad can afford home help to take over the tasks your brother is now doing for your dad. The best way for your dad to accept outside help is to for him to know and trust the person who will come to help.

I suggest finding a person you and your brother trust, bring that person by to meet your dad, first few times just to visit as a friend of yours or your brother, and later have that person take your dad out for a quick lunch or for some fun a few times, then spend some time with him at home to help a little around the condo. Gradually, that person can help more and more as your dad comes to know and trust him/her.

I had to find someone to take my mom out a few times a week because I didn't have time to take her out twice daily as she wanted. And I had to go through a similar process I described above in order for my mother to accept going out with that person.

When do you plan to visit your dad and give your brother a break? Perhaps, you can help him getting to know the home help person while you're there.

Pat, first thing to do is ask your brother. You might mention it in a phone call, but e-mailing him gives him a chance to think things over, especially since it might not be a good time for him to discuss what kind of help he can use.

Probably one of the most frustrating issues is that your father should be on a first floor level but refuses. This kind of situation can be hazardous, but also an intractable issue since the parent typically doesn't want to either admit the need for change or know how to accept it w/o sacrificing his perceived level of independence.

Ask your brother if he wants to share his plans for your father, and if that includes finding a more suitable place, if/when your father would agree. If so, that's research you can do from where you are.

That I think would be the key - what CAN you do from a distance? It couldn't be hands on at this point, but sometimes I found that the research needing to be done took time away from actual hands-on caregiving. I asked for help from a sibling but didn't get it, so had to rely on doing all the research myself. Having someone synopsize the issues in question for whatever I was searching for at the time would have been wonderful.

As a Caregiver Coordinator, conceptualize your father as a client. Itemize everything that you would recommend to a client's caregiver, than ask yourself what you can do for your own situation. Make you and your brother the clients and develop a plan, then e-mail it to your brother, for review at his leisure. Be aware that he might feel you're trying to tell him what to do, so couch your presentation in terms of trying to raise your level of commitment.

My research included private duty care as well. I researched companies, which wasn't always easy b/c their web sites indicate they're the best thing since sliced bread and electlricity. Getting behind those facades and marketing tactics wasn't easy. Speaking with representatives was better, especially since I realized early on that not everyone gives the same marketing spiel. When I caught inconsistences, that's when I reconsidered that company.

And sometimes just listening to someone vent is helpful. If you sense tension in calls, always ask your brother when you call if he feels up to talking, and if not, if there's anything you can do from a distance.

You didn't mention meals. Does your father get Meals on Wheels? If not, do you think you or your brother could get him to try it?

Respite care is another aspect. Contact the county or senior center in your father's area and find out what's available. If your father objects, your brother can tell him it's not for him - it's for your brother. Dad needs to know that your brother's stress is only going to increase, and he has to play a role in moderating that by being more flexible.