How do I help with dad's care when we live 1300 miles apart?

Patts, I just now read this thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.

I did solo, long distance caregiving for my  parents. Mom died in April and Dad is in memory care now.

Sadly, your dads plight is common with elders. No one wants things to change or admit they can’t handle things any longer. It’s usually a crisis that forces change.

My folks were hanging by a thread for years in their home. The refused any in home help. Not even meals on wheels. Drove me bat s crazy.....

Mom started to have falls, dad had moderate dementia. After a bad fall I moved mom directly from the hospital to assisted living.
Then moved Dad in with her a few days later. It was pure screaming hell but I did it.

This stuff is no one’s fault. We do the best we can. We do as much as elders will allow. I live 600 miles from my folks. The situation would have been the same if I lived next door.

Good luck to you, your dad and your family.

Patts, I'm so sorry to learn about this sad development. Don't give up hope though; my father went through something similar 15 years before he died. He was a fighter, and we both learned a lot about long term hospital care. And if I remember correctly, your father is a strong and determined man.

If anyone raises that issue, i.e., of long term care in a hospital rather than rehab setting, be aware that there are hospitals which specifically focus on this. We were guided to Select Specialty Hospital, which at the time rented floor space in St. Joseph Mercy Hospitals in our area.

If you get to this point and want more info, PM me. I had Dad in 2 different ones. If the patient decompensates and needs to return to a "regular hospital", Medicare requires that any return to a long term care hospital can NOT be from the one he/she was previously in. Weird.

I assume that your father is not able to communicate at this time. The ICU nurses said it wasn't really known how much someone could hear or relate to others during this period. So I tried anyway; sang his favorite hymns, played CDs of his favorite music, all the while watching the brain monitor (I can't remember what the specific name of the device is - BMI???.

I noticed that his brain activity increased during these musical sessions!

I'm "sending" healing thoughts for you and all your family. Be sure that each of you takes time out for respite; ICU vigil is emotionally draining.

I sit here with dad in ICU (and my computer) sending thanks to you all. He's doing a tiny bit better and resting as comfortably as he can since they took him off the ventilator. Thank God!

Well, that's a BIG improvement and BIG step forward. Congratulations to your father!

Sorry to read the news about your dad Patts44ok. For those like him that refuse to allow someone to help, this is likely what will happen. Our mother was also "independent", maintaining that mantra along with being able to cook, clean and care for herself. The driving argument was always "I don't go far." We had hired aides to come in for an hour (minimum) a day to check on her and ensure her meds were taken (set up a locked pill dispenser.) That lasted a few months and then she refused to let them in. We had already taken the car away (oh that was fun!) Her refusal to move in with one of my brothers or AL was met with the same mantra along with pauuugh, I would not live in one of those places! We made plans to move her anyway and had to come up with some way to get her to move (this is what brought me here - attorney says we cannot drag her out of the house, MC/AL says they don't do 'committals', aka guardianship - rock-ME-hardplace!) Just before the move (planned for Tuesday, just after New Years), her neighbor reported that she bruised her leg (a Thursday, snowing, no way for me to get there.) Non-local brother was arriving Friday night and his first task was to send a picture to me. It was what I suspected - cellulitis! So, if this move had not been planned, she would have gone several more days untreated and it could have ended badly!  (forgot to add - that independent, cook, clean, take care of self?  Nope.  She had to rely on us to drive her at that point, often tried to cancel appointments or would forget to schedule them, balked at going to several (does that even now!), food in fridge dried up and/or moldy, food in freezer old and/or freezer burned, cleaning not the greatest, evident now that we're finishing up prepping condo for sale (UGH!), and clearly could not care for herself if she never reported the injury to one of us or sought treatment for it!  Cleaning was very minimal, and she was eating frozen dinners and prepacked "stuff".  Even with pill dispenser she would miss some days!  :-/)

You reported some improvement 2 days ago - how is he doing now? Tell him he has a horde of well-wishers cheering him on to get up and going asap!!!

The final report and thoughts. Dad took a terrible fall the week before I flew out to visit. I got on a plane as soon as possible. Dad spent six days in Neuro ICU, eventually pulling out all means of life support on his own. The doctor called it a "life altering trauma." My brother and I knew what he was telling us. Dad's last eight hours on earth was spent in a lovely hospice facility.
What I learned from this experience:
There is no one answer to care giving issues because each and every person and situation are different.
No one is ever fully prepared for the death of a loved one, even with an elder parent.
Having your end-of-life decisions in writing is important, but it is still difficult to deal with the aftermath of a death.
And finally, very strange people come out of the woodwork at funerals.

I'm sorry for your loss Patts, it sounds as though your father was basically doing OK until he suddenly... wasn't. I'm glad you were able to spend time with him these last few weeks.