Hello,
My mother has Alzheimer's. She is 84. I am struggling with helping my mother understand that she cannot go back to Florida to live with her husband. The story is long, but basically she has been crying and depressed for two years while in Florida and wanted to move back to Vermont to be near all her family. Her husband (not my father) refuses to come. Says he is staying where he is and will die there. Things were very bad there, with her husband not getting her to doctor appointments, making sure she took her meds, and feeding her properly. She was getting violent with him because he wouldn't come back with her. After numerous attempts to get her back to VT, we succeeded and she is living with me. She has been here for 3 weeks. She sometimes thinks she is going back there and this was just a vacation. Recently we made sure that her husband told her that she was getting cared for here and that he could not care for her. She was heartbroken and angry. I have tried everything I can to make her understand she can't go back there but it's not working. She still wants to buy him things and call him. When she calls he is very short with her and told me he doesn't want to upset her. I don't know what to do.
We often suggest watching Teepa Snow videos to learn how to distract and divert those who are distressed.
We talk about therapeutic fibs where we bend the truth to make life more manageable for our mentally challenged.
At this moment in time you have the CoronaVirus that you can blame everything on.
I would explain to her that we are not to travel. It’s too dangerous. That the Coronavirus is ruling our lives. Blame everything on CV as long as possible. Since she shouldn’t be going out she shouldn’t be tempted to buy him things. If she is fretting you might encourage her to write him a letter instead. Don’t argue or try to reason with her. Don’t set yourself up as the bad cop. Put that on the Coronavirus.
“Yes mom, I know you miss dh, it’s sad. If only the CV didn’t require us to stay home. Could you help me fold this laundry? I’ll do the towels and you match the socks”. While the virus might be stressful for her as well it probably would be less so than her desire to return to Florida. If the CV is too abstract for her maybe try substituting The President said or The Governor said or the News or The Doctor. So many people to put it off on. You know your mom best and what might work. You might even say DH doesn’t want you to get sick and get this horrible flu. She can’t accept the idea of him rejecting her so skip that part. I’m sorry for this extra stress in your own life and do realize that many many people grieve broken relationships regardless of dementia. In other words it’s an honest reaction to a broken heart. You can’t protect her from that. You can try to distract her for both your sakes. Call her doctor for an antidrpressant if she doesn’t already have one.
Your profile says husband suffers from Dementia so good reason why he shouldn't be caring for Mom.
Having seen the toll of living with a dementia patient took on my dad, I can understand your mother's spouse's attitude. He sees a limited number of years left and he had no life with your mother. She was a stranger in the household with increasing demands and erratic thought patterns. That will wear on anyone. You may need to find a memory care facility for your mother eventually.
Come up with a vague answer to her questions and try to distract her into something else.
Three weeks is not a very long time for her to become accustomed to her new lifestyle. It’s difficult to accept change when one has all ones mental faculties. Having dementia makes it much, much harder. It’s time to throw her doctor under the bus. Tell her when her doctor says she can go back to Florida, you’ll take her back. You can even say that her husband is remodeling the house for her and it’s not done yet. But make sure you tell her husband about this fib.
You really will make yourself crazy trying to explain the truth to her. Good luck. Come back with updates. We care!