How do I help my mother (99)?

Aladdin, when my parents lived at home they refused to have life alert, even when their primary doctor suggested the pendent. My parents theory was they had each other if there was an issue. Yeah right, Dad could fall on the basement stairs and because of my Mom's poor eyesight and lack of hearing, she wouldn't hear him fall or hear his calls for help. They said they didn't want to spend the money.... [sigh].

As soon as my Dad moved into Independent Living, and noticed the facility offered a life alert type pendent at a one time charge, he quickly took it. Couple weeks ago he fell in the bathroom and wasn't able to get up as he got wedge between the sink and the toilet... he was so glad he had that pendent.

Aladdin I forgot to mention that along with the Life Alert my Mom also had a lock box on the front door the combo # to open it was given to the First Responders . They got to my Mom ASAP . They didn't have to wait for me to get there and open the door. I got this lock box & life alert thru DCF I believe. I wish you all the luck with your Mom. I miss mine so very much. I have 6 sibs but had no help or support from them as Mom was very difficult at times. I'm #6 out of 7 and sure wish I knew about this web site B4 Mom ending of her Earthly Journey. As I was told by Palliative Nurse falls are the beginning of the end for the elderly. I'm not trying to scare you just sharing my what I have learned in 10 yrs. That's why I call myself CareTaker. I took care of Mom and took away a lot of knowledge from the experience and had a special bond with my Mom that my sibs will never know. I also took away compassion, humility & strong Faith. Just to name a few

If a senior is competent, they do have the right to make their own decision to stay in their home, however, when they are not able to manage, fall frequently, call frequently, have multiple crisis, can't get adequate nutrition, can't manage meds,. etc. they don't consider how difficult it is for their loved ones to live that way. Their family is held hostage by wondering and worrying when the next call is to the ER or worse. There is constant safety checks, begging them to heed precautionary measures, checking their medical condition, etc. I would NOT do that to my kids or grandkids. It's not likely they can just go about their life and not deal with me, if I am trying to operate in my home when I am not able to do so. Having me in a safe place where I am monitored and provided for around the clock makes more sense to me. I hope I am able to keep that motto, should the time arise.

Thanks. I want her to stay home too if at all possible too. Checking out the resources and into life alert.

My Mom was 92.5 and had life alert she had fallen 3 times in 8days . 2 of them were back to back. the last fall the fire,police & EMTs were there when I got there. Police had said she needs to go to ER to get evaluated. she refused. the EMTs found her blood pressure was high so off she went to ER. I stepped out of the room and Drs had her agree to a pacemaker. She lived 5wks after her surgery.Tried to tell thr NH she was dying . they looked at me like I belonged there and not mom. So what I'm saying is I agree with captain. there is help out there Dept of Aging. and everyone is eligible for those benefits. take advantage . Iand if at all possible let her go in her own home.

Thanks. Tried the portable toilette idea. Said I would come empty it for her. We even have one we used for my dad. But she doesn't want it. Bought her depends. She said she didn't like them. If I didn't have to work every day I would bring her to live with me. I've got 6 years before retirement age. But she said if she was going to be alone during the day it was better for her to be in her own home where she's comfortable and used to. The comments about limited water makes a lot of sense. She doesn't feel faint just very unbalanced but still could be the cause. Says at times her legs and feet feel heavy. She has a glass with water I always see that she drinks throughout the day but maybe it's not enough.

id rather die in my home right now than face months or years in an institution . im not saying nursing homes are bad , im saying they arent for everyone . there is no free will . youre kicked out of bed in the morning , crammed to the lunchroom three times a day , and every day is the same .
in the grand scheme of things a year or two of your life to go stay with her would do you more good than harm , imo .. i did it for 6 yrs and it was excruciating at times but its over and im back in my home none the worst for wear . now I think about aging and i see the appeal to remain in ones own habitat .
not tryin to guilt trip you or anyone , i just understand if your mom bars the door and refuses interference .

Alladin, I'm not sure what else you can do. There is always the option of filing with the court for Guardianship, but that is very stressful and can cause hurt feelings. Plus, you might not win, based on her abilities. Often the court doesn't just look at memory issues, but judgment and their ability to manage in their household. But, if she is managing......I don't know. It would difficult. If her doctor would back you, that might help.

Would she wear an alert button so that she could press it for help if she falls? She would need to wear it all the time. I would suggest a electronic lift for the stairs, but those things look dangerous to me. Without proper supervision, I'd be scared of it.

Her falls may be due to dehydration and the dehydration due to her avoiding fluids. Not good. Short of a portable toilet, so she doesn't have to go up the stairs, I'm not sure what I would do. I would probably beg her to go to Assisted Living BEFORE she breaks something.

There seems to be some reason seniors who fall refuse to take the first falls as a warning. I know so many who fall a couple of times, refuse to take heed and then bam....they fall and fracture the hip. That starts the downward spiral. They often don't recover from that.

My mom, 90.5 will not drink if I don't make her.

The "way" I make her is: I fill up a glass of WATER (She abhors) with Crystal Light or similar non sugary stuff. Mom has Sjögren's Syndrome (Xerostomia)=Dry mouth, dry eyes, dry EVERYTHING!!!

Ok, so we have been told by all the MD's: Have your mom drink more waterrrrr!!!!!

I do fill up the glass, flavor it, and leave it where she likes to sit and watch TV. So, she walks by, and drinks a little, or a lot, or... when it is empty, I fill it up again. I believe she thinks is a new glass... and repeat.

She has water phobia.......H2O phobia. But I tell her: "IF you don't drink enough mom, the doctor is going to get extremely mad at me." And she drinks.

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M88

Aladdin, too add to my post above, my Mom also refused to use a walker or even try to use one. My Mom didn't want anyone to think she was aging.

Our parent(s) want to hold onto every sliver of independence as they can. Got to admit, being 99 and still doing her own cooking, and other housework is impressive.

What worries me about your Mom is that she is limiting her water intake, and that can cause dehydration, which can contribute to feeling faint, thus more falling. It's like a catch-22 situation. My Dad is in such a catch-22, sometimes he can't reach the bathroom in time, yet doesn't want to mess up his Depends... so his brilliant idea was to drink less fluids. Oops, he fell, went to the ER, he was dehydrated.

Thanks all. She cooks, washes her clothes etc. She cleans (too much) but is very very frail. Losing her balance etc. She has a great appetite but is starting to limit her drinking and eating because she has to use stairs to get to the bathroom. Very stubborn and I can very much relate to freqflyer who commented. Sounds like we have the same mother. I too am afraid that it is going to take a fall that sends her to the ER and then to rehab/nursing home. It breaks my heart thinking about it. She won't use her cane or a walker. Sigh. The caregiver idea is also a no. She won't let anyone help her. I bring her groceries, take her to the bank, write her bills but that is it. There are times when she doesn't want me to do it and asks the neighbor. Sigh.

Ah yes, the elders who refuse any outside help, we have pretty much all been there. Even a call to 911 to help her get up off the floor, a trip to the ER, won't be a wake-up call for her.

My Mom was very similar, quite stubborn. She felt she and my Dad [also was in his 90's] could manage on their own. Even a trip to the ER didn't change her mind. I had hired Caregivers to help her once she got back home, but she shooed them out of the house.

Sadly it took a really bad fall and my Mom was in long-term-care where she spent her final three months :(

Many elders who are in their 90's think that Assisted Living/Continuing Care type places are asylums. So it is difficult to even talk to an elder about looking at such places, many of which are like living in a really nice hotel.

As for bringing in a regular Caregiver.... good luck. Maybe others here will have some ideas.

How much do you spend time with her observing her in her home? I might spend some time really observing how she is functioning. See if she is having more trouble than falling. Often falling may be just one indication that she's at risk. Is she able to cook, take medication, is food in fridge spoiled, is laundry being done, are her clothes clean, etc. Sometimes falls indicate more problems are there. They could be mental or physical. She could have something that can be treated, but if he's age related decline, it may be that she's just not able to live alone anymore.

Will she allow you to go with her to her own doctor for a visit? Does she have a Healthcare Power of Attorney? Can you convince her to go on the premise that there is some requirement that she get a checkup for her insurance? Some family members use clever ways to get their family members to the doctor. You can provide her doctor a letter addressing your concerns in advance so he can properly evaluate her condition. She might have some infection or condition that can be treated. And if she's a danger to live alone, if the doctor can explain that to her, it may carry more weight than you doing it.

Eventually, if she continues, she will fall and receive more serious injuries, likely fractures. When that happens, I would call 911. They will take her to the hospital, treat her and then explain that no one is in her home to care for her and they will have to make arrangements for her care, such as Rehab and then to a long term care facility.

It would be nice if seniors would listen and take action before they fall and have a serious injury that may require surgery, but often they just will not listen or entertain the idea of assisted living. Best of luck with your mom.