Hi everyone, I think my 70 y.o. mother has BPD based on the symptoms I have read online. It could also be the early onset of dementia in addition.
What are the other tell tale signs of BPD? I would like to help my mother, but she has been extremely difficult; my whole life I suffered physical and emotional abuse. Now I live in the US and have been helping her financially if she needs money.
However, she wants to immigrate here and offered that she help with household chores for $100/week. The week prior, she asked if I could help her with the downpayment for her new car ($2,000) which I was ok with. I also just sent her $1,800 a few months ago so she could pay for her attorney fees.
When my baby was born, we had to temporarily hire a nanny when my maternity leave was over and she compared the nanny’s salary to what she is asking for - and she says it doesn’t even compare; she says she just needs it so she can buy essentials. She also said she is old and may really only have ~10 years to live, so why is she being deprived of this supposedly little ask?
But I don’t really want her to work for me. It is a significant amount in my family’s budget, but that is only secondary. I’m probably willing to swallow that just to silence her, but I cannot stand her if she were frequently in our house. She screams at me and creates drama by acting hysterical over small things. I do not want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home. She is extremely negative and creates a lot of hostility. Most importantly, I don’t want my kids to see all the screaming, crying, her being hysterical, the exact environment I grew up in.
I’m the only child and she hates my dad. She blames my dad for all her misery and the wrong decisions she made in her life. I grew up in a very hostile environment. I do not want my kids to be in that kind of environment.
If I had to think about my mistakes, it would probably be that I am too upfront with her. My friends think that if I were more “gentle”, communicated in a more loving and sweet way, that my mom will soften up. But how do I do that with someone who is extremely negative and angry? It's very hard to act like it doesn't affect me. I grew up with her almost beating the s*** out of me, so there's also quite a lot of resentment on my part.
I used to to send her $500/mo to pay for the mortgage for a property I own in my hometown only to find out that she has been forcing my dad to pay for it so she can keep the money I've been sending to herself. When I confronted her with this, she says that because she helps me manage the property, that she should get paid. That is ok, but why sneakily pocket the mortgage payment?
Honestly, I’ve just gotten sick of it. The financial aspect is somewhat tolerable to temporarily silence her, but there’s always something. There’s always something wrong. There’s always something she is unhappy about.
What can I do? The only thing that’s worked for me is to reduce contact, but I feel bad for my dad. If only I could have my dad move here all by himself, I would do that. But my dad really enjoys his work there and doesn't want to uproot his life. If I let my dad visit me without her, I know she will attack the living hell out of him before that even happened.
I think my hope is that she somehow self-reflects and realizes how unpleasant she is. Is that even possible?
Could I suggest communicating honestly with your dad? How does he feel about all this? And I don't see any need to be involved with your mother any more than you feel like being. Sounds to me that she forfeited any "mommy privileges" in emotional terms a long time ago. Her actions after all have consequences. And for sure remember the financial aspects if you allow her to immigrate - You will be responsible as she ages.
Why does what you pay your nanny have ANYTHING to do with your mother, who is not taking care of your baby? That is real sleight of hand there. She sounds like a professional manipulator.
She is, by definition, a grifter. Please look up that term. Many folks with BPD are grifter and vice versa.
Do NOT bring this person to live with you. Just say "I can't possibly do that" and forget folks who say to be "gentle".
Just for starts, once she needs to be in a long term care facility, how is that going to get paid for? If she's not a US citizen, she's not getting any help from the government. That 12K PER MONTH is going to be on you.
Don't do it.
I hate to say it, but she's your dad's problem. Be supportive of him at all costs, and if she needs to be placed in a nursing home of some kind, help him make it happen. Under no circumstances do you expose your children to what you suffered. Your dad was complicit in that abuse by letting it happen.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Most of the 25 signs DO apply to my mother; so if the same goes for yours, DO NOT MOVE HER TO THE USA! And also stop sending her money (my opinion only) b/c you need that for yourself and your family.
There is no making these types of women 'happy'; it's impossible b/c happiness is an inside job. My mother used to crucify my father too, and I think he was happy when death finally came for him, honestly. I am an only child too so after dad died, ALL of her wrath fell on ME! So it's been hard, to say the least. But she lives in Assisted Living/Memory Care and I've limited my contact with her until her dementia got very bad.
Remember that your father CHOOSES to live with her; you can feel badly for him all you'd like, but he's made that bed for himself and can leave any time he wants, just like my father. Because they CHOOSE not to isn't our fault or our problem. Try to remember that. And don't feel like it's your responsibility to care for your mother, to make her happy, or to help her move to the USA and ruin YOUR life. DO NOT expose your children to who you KNOW she is as a person. These women don't change! They just worsen with age. And at 70, she can live another 25 years! My mother is 95 now and on hospice and currently dying. But right up until she went into bed last Tuesday, she was unhappy; nothing I ever did could change that, hard as I tried.
I truly doubt your mom will 'self-reflect and realize how unpleasant' she is. A person has to be self aware in order to do such a thing, you know? My mother has refused to acknowledge her shortcomings or mistakes her WHOLE LIFE and blamed either my father or ME for them instead. If yours is similar, why would she NOW accept her shortcomings???
In any event, please look after yourself and your family and allow your dad to take care of your mom, his wife. That's how things should be, and she shouldn't be your burden to bear in life. Please think long and hard before you make a mistake you can't undo!
GOOD LUCK!
A hard NO to either of them immigrating here (assuming the U.S.) and expecting you to pay for them to age in a country where they aren't citizens, didn't pay into Medicare or SSN, probably won't have any access to resources when they will need it as their minds and bodies decline and you become overwhelmed by their care needs. No Medicare, no Medicaid, no SSN. And all the more problems if they don't speak English. There are several posts on this forum by people whose parents aren't here legally and now these adult children are completely burned out and have NO OPTIONS to get them care and financial support by any one except themselves. This is literally the worst possible caregiving scenario that exists. DO NOT volunteer for this!!
"I think my hope is that she somehow self-reflects and realizes how unpleasant she is."
We adult children get ourselves into a lot of trouble when we keep wanting our parents to be someone they are not and never will be. Open your eyes: she has shown you who she is. This is why you need a therapist to help you look at things objectively and make healthier and more realistic decisions. May you find strong boundaries and gain peace in your heart!
I think the problem is the constant negativity and hostility. Is it even possible to care for someone elderly that is also pleasant? Or do those two not belong in the same sentence?