How do I help my 65 year old husband if he refuses to acknowledge needing assistance?  Please help us.

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My husband, age 65 this January, is a disabled Veteran and 17 years my senior. It is very obvious to me that something is very wrong and worsening over the past few years. He has many doctors but becomes angry with them after a visit or two then he never goes back. I am trying to care for him, as well as caring for my 25 year old son with autism. My husband, Michael is disappearing mentally right before my eyes and even puts my family in danger with his hostility. Where do I turn...? What do I do? I am all that the two of them have...and I'm failing. Someone help us.

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BLConiglen, one thing to do is to have your hubby's primary doctor check for an urinary tract infection. UTI's effect those who are older differently from when one was younger. It can make someone quite angry and hostile until the UTI is cleared up.
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I assume he's getting medical care at a local VA? And I assume you don't accompany him to medical visits? This might be something to consider and start doing, even if he prefers to go alone, as it should give you some insight into what the doctors are telling him, how he interacts with them, the status of his disability, etc.

I think you'll have to find some way to tap into his medical and mental condition first to figure out why he's changing, or "disappearing" as you write. There's a reason, and it may be hard to find, but I'd focus on the military disability first.

What you can do could follow from what's happening to him, which apparently isn't something the family knows. Then you can use that as a starting point to determine where to go, what to do, who to hire (if appropriate).

Another option, if your husband has signed the VA version of a DPOA, is to contact his team leader and speak to the social worker for that team leader, asking for suggestions. You might suggest the disability as the cause, and the social worker may or may not correct you and offer additional information. Then you'd have some idea of what's going on.
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