How do I handle total rejection from my mother in law who I thought really loved me.

Your mother-in-law is a lazy self-centered person who is now having to pay the piper so to speak for her neglect in taking care of her body. As someone who also has a mother-in-law that I help take care of, AND is married to the baby son of the family, I hear ya. This is your HUSBAND'S problem. Only HE can be the one that corrects his mother's thinking and attitude towards you. He is the one that should be putting his WIFE and family ahead of her, you shouldn't be the one dealing with her alone. And if my mother-in-law were to do to me what yours has done to you, I would be in her face big time. I would figure that I had nothing to lose, so I would tell her what I think of her attitude. But that's just what I would do. Talk to your husband and tell him that you're not going to deal with her anymore. Tell him you love him, and value your marriage and that you hope he does too. Then leave this crabby, selfish, self-destructive, vindictive woman alone. Seriously.

You have good insight into your MIL's motivations. I hope you take some comfort from them.

You are not going to be able to change MIL's behavior.

You and your husband can control your behavior. You can make your decisions and stick to them.

You cannot make her go to a nursing home, but you can decide to stop providing 24/7 care. You can set some boundaries about what you'll do and when you'll do it. You can make clear to her medical providers that you are not taking responsibility for the care she needs.

You can't stop her from being a diva but you can stop treating her like one.

The factor in all this that I worry about is your husband. Is he the mama's boy she has tried so hard to make him, or can he stand up for himself and his marriage? I guess that is the biggest question right now.

Good luck!

havefaithingod, I feel for your situation. If your MIL is on dialysis and is having the problems you mentioned with neuropathy and circulation in her legs, then chances are that she is not going to be in the world much longer. There could be some very heart-wrenching things that happen with her health in the near future, and some difficult decisions for her to make. I have a feeling that it would probably be in your and your husband's best interest to just stand with him in whatever decisions he makes. If you're standing with him, your MIL will have a hard time putting a wedge between you.

I wonder if the change in your MIL may indicate some dementia. People with diabetes are at elevated risk for vascular dementia. There is also some research being done about the association between diabetes and Alzheimer's. Apparently people with diabetes are at high risk of developing dementia. If your MIL's behavior changed, it may have something to do with it.

People with diabetes also have a higher risk for urinary tract infections (UTIs). UTIs can make elders act psychotic. If there is a very sudden change in behavior perhaps coupled with hallucinations and delusions, it would be good to check for a UTI.

If it is pure meanness that has been hidden for years, there is not much you can do except realize that you are better than that. In your shoes, I would just work with my husband to do what needed to be done. You can always let him know what she says without criticizing -- he may feel defensive if the two of you start throwing barbs at each other through him.

Feel free to vent and yell here. We know a lot of what you're going through. Your MIL and my mother sound like sisters, except mine isn't quite as mean. It is always safe to vent here.

faithingod, I must respond. I just cut all ties with my 82 year old mother. She is very much as you have described your mother in law. I also just re-read daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. Please google this site. It will open your eyes. It did mine.

I haven't talked to mom in two months. I had to do this to preserve myself. I am her scapegoat. She knows exactly what she is doing, just as your mother in law knows exactly what she is doing.

I am not advocating you cut all ties with your mother in law, just educated yourself as to what you are dealing with and how to set boundaries. I wish you well.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your situations on this site. Again, I feel like I'm not alone. I also wonder why I have to be subjected to my moms ugliness. After she is ugly to me mostly, or to someone else, and completely focused on herself, I feel awful for days and days. It has a long lasting effect and my sweetheart and friends can not be subjected to hearing the stories... because they are so awful and hurtful. I am heading there now... and am also trying to find a way to build a wall to stop the hurt from being flung my way. I agree with those who say the husband/son is the one who has to stand in between the mother and daughterinlaw. He has to keep protecting his wife, because hopefully that relationship will go on for many, many, many, many years after the MIL is gone. All my best wishes to you....

Jeannegibbs- Thanks for your incite into this matter. My husband has grown up considerably over the past 12 years because I refuse to baby him as his mother always did and still trys to do. So yes he is and has been able to stand up to his mother and tell her that she's being stuborn or soforth. Yes I am glad that he will stand up for his himself and his marriage as he has backed me up when their care taker only saw that we were keeping our distance and could only see his mom as a sweet older lady. Not seeing he entire picture. That's when he stood up and informed her about the things that his mother has done to me and to all of us over the years and now after being there for over a year has actually appoligized to us for her first impression of us. Stating that it wasn't really us wanting to stay away but his mom's behavior causing us to not want to be around her. I do understand that there is nothing legally we can do to force her into a nursing home but if she alienates her caretaker and is unable to locate someone who is willing to work for peanuts because she refuses to pay for anything and we are aware of the situation and don't do anything wouldn't it be considered Elder Abuse and then we would be held liable for her? She has us caught between a rock and a hard place.

Havefaith- I share your pain. My MIL is a total narcissist. It is a wonder my husband and I have survived so long without the never ending opinions and advice she constantly doles out. She is living with us, and I am quickly learning to put up boundaries. As a DIL I think it is also easier for us to approach such a person with more objectivity. I do not care in the least if I am pleasing her as I see that as an unattainable goal. This site is a good place to vent. I know there is only so much my friends and co-workers want to hear. Plus, unless you know her, it is probably hard to understand how difficult she can be.

Havefaith - Sounds like my father. What I found out: We, his children, are not legally responsible for him. He is an adult and can make adult choices. But, if he cannot live on his own, but insists on doing it, Protective Services for the county can be contacted anonymously. It could be reported that a senior citizen is unable to care for themselves in their home and the county would get involved and investigate. That happened here a few years ago when someone in this neighborhood was a hoarder and was reported. At least it gets other people involved in the situation and may help in some manner.

You are right about the State taking over and your MIL will have no choice in the matter at that point. I was my MIL caregiver when she started with dementia. Her oldest son talked her into buying the house up the street from my family, then after my FIL passed away and she became sick, the caregiving fell on me. Her oldest son lived out west and never came out to visit after she became sick. Her daughter lived 45mins away and only came up every other Saturday. When she was there all she did was scream at her mother for not trying harder. She felt if her mother tried harder she wouldn't have memory problems. Before her mother got sick she came up all the time, afterwards, not so much. Ended up I asked daughter to help out more and she cursed me out for asking. After that I told my husband I was only going to do minimal caregiving and his family would have to find someone else to deal with everything. Oh, by the way we also have a disabled child who was young at that point, that I was caring for and dealing with all his support programs and I was working outside the home as well and my husband's siblings were well aware of all of this, but didn't seem to care. The visiting nurse was called in to evaluate my MIL and they had a home companion come to the house for several hours each day. She would report back to the nurse and myself. She deemed my MIL not able to be at home alone. Next step was the State was called in by the Visiting Nurse and the State sent a person to care for her all day long, while he evaluated her. This was done for two weeks. At the end of that time, he made his findings known to the State, which was she couldn't live by herself any longer. I had my husband call both his siblings and tell them what was going on and see if either was interested in having their mother live with one of them. Those two joked and said why would they want her the way she was now. (She was a very kind and loving lady who never swore or cursed and thanked me for everything I did for her, it was just too much for me alone to handle) I felt very bad about her going into the nursing home, but without anyone's help I just couldn't do it any longer. So, the State found a nursing home with an opening and she was placed there. The daughter wanted me to be the one to take her mother to the nursing home, but the State caseworker told me it was the daughter's responsiblity, not mine. So, that's what was done. She is gone more then 10 years now and it still bothers me how her kids acted during this time. I am now the caregiver for my husband who now has dementia. I have a wonderful support group of friends and my family along with respite programs for myself. His family is totally out of the picture since their mother passed away. They didn't like when I asked them for help with their mother's care, so I know they are non-caring and useless. God Bless you, for dealing with the MIL that you have! If she continues the way she is, the State will step in and that will be no ones fault but her own. Good luck.

JakeWright14- Thanks for understanding where I am coming from. Yes it is certainly difficult trying to help those that do not want the help but then still want for you to be at their beck and call. It only shows us that they just don't want to pay for anything as to why they refuse help. I can understand that nobody really wants to give up all independence but when they then expect for us to quit our jobs to care for them, that's a bit selfish as well. I do love them, I really do,& that's why it hurts me so much, but it's wearing on my last nerve with my MIL especially being so mean and ruthless and cussing at us. I hate to walk away and allow them to suffer under their own pretenses but maybe that's what actually needs to occur. It really rips at my heartstrings that we are in a helpless state with them but under no circumstance will we or are we willing to give up our jobs and dreams because of their poor choices. Thanks again for your understanding. God Bless you as well with caring for your own husband.