How do I handle total rejection from my mother in law who I thought really loved me.

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For the past 12 years we have done nothing by dote on my mother in law and be at her beck and call. She is diabetic and has never taken care of the disease causing her to have multiple health related issues. A month before we were married she had quadruple open heart surgery. However that still didn't keep her from sitting and eating a 1/2 bag of candy and saying that she'll eat it if she feels like it and worry about it later. Or taking care of her disease properly. Well now everybody is having to worry about it later because she is on dialysis 3x's weekly, has neuropathy in both legs, has wounds on her legs, can't walk without assistance from care giver, can't bathe herself or get to the bathroom by herself. In other words needs 24/7 care and doesn't feel as though she needs to pay much for it. Feels like it's owed to her by anybody who feels bad enough for her. She has always been envious of everybody else and has alienated her siblings and most of her children because it was never the perfect time for them to visit or she faked being sick. Well now she is very sick and the medical treatments are really only buying time. I have never been the kind of daughter in law to turn my back on her and have always supported my husband with his decisions and have spent countless hours in hospital rooms and nursing homes while she recovers from various episodes caused by the diabetes. I have also spent countless hours on the computer doing research for her care with the dialysis diet and so forth and then she tossed the papers on the floor telling me it was too difficult and she wasn't going to bother trying. She hasn't prepared for the future in anyway and so there is no will or trust or life insurance to help financially for her care and even though she needs skilled nursing, is digging her heels into ever going to a nursing home. She blames all of us for the condition that she is in and takes no responsibility for her own actions as to why she is in this situation. I beleive from childhood she has been on a pedestal and thinks she's a diva. Now she has told me that the reason I am so stressed out is because I'm jealous of the relationship that she and my husband have as he is the baby of the family and should be hers alone. She has also informed me that I am not family and shouldn't concern myself with her or his dad any longer and to grow up and get over it if I think that my husband should be with me. She would love to force a wedge between my husband and me so that we divorce and she has her baby back. She's been trying to do this since we were dating. Please provide some incite as to how I should deal with this as I have always been very family oriented and have treated her more like my mother then mother in law and she has always stated that she loved me. Now I'm hearing how she truly feels. I understand that she's most likly ticked at the world and herself but instead is taking it out on me and the rest of the family.

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JakeWright14- Thanks for understanding where I am coming from. Yes it is certainly difficult trying to help those that do not want the help but then still want for you to be at their beck and call. It only shows us that they just don't want to pay for anything as to why they refuse help. I can understand that nobody really wants to give up all independence but when they then expect for us to quit our jobs to care for them, that's a bit selfish as well. I do love them, I really do,& that's why it hurts me so much, but it's wearing on my last nerve with my MIL especially being so mean and ruthless and cussing at us. I hate to walk away and allow them to suffer under their own pretenses but maybe that's what actually needs to occur. It really rips at my heartstrings that we are in a helpless state with them but under no circumstance will we or are we willing to give up our jobs and dreams because of their poor choices. Thanks again for your understanding. God Bless you as well with caring for your own husband.
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You are right about the State taking over and your MIL will have no choice in the matter at that point. I was my MIL caregiver when she started with dementia. Her oldest son talked her into buying the house up the street from my family, then after my FIL passed away and she became sick, the caregiving fell on me. Her oldest son lived out west and never came out to visit after she became sick. Her daughter lived 45mins away and only came up every other Saturday. When she was there all she did was scream at her mother for not trying harder. She felt if her mother tried harder she wouldn't have memory problems. Before her mother got sick she came up all the time, afterwards, not so much. Ended up I asked daughter to help out more and she cursed me out for asking. After that I told my husband I was only going to do minimal caregiving and his family would have to find someone else to deal with everything. Oh, by the way we also have a disabled child who was young at that point, that I was caring for and dealing with all his support programs and I was working outside the home as well and my husband's siblings were well aware of all of this, but didn't seem to care. The visiting nurse was called in to evaluate my MIL and they had a home companion come to the house for several hours each day. She would report back to the nurse and myself. She deemed my MIL not able to be at home alone. Next step was the State was called in by the Visiting Nurse and the State sent a person to care for her all day long, while he evaluated her. This was done for two weeks. At the end of that time, he made his findings known to the State, which was she couldn't live by herself any longer. I had my husband call both his siblings and tell them what was going on and see if either was interested in having their mother live with one of them. Those two joked and said why would they want her the way she was now. (She was a very kind and loving lady who never swore or cursed and thanked me for everything I did for her, it was just too much for me alone to handle) I felt very bad about her going into the nursing home, but without anyone's help I just couldn't do it any longer. So, the State found a nursing home with an opening and she was placed there. The daughter wanted me to be the one to take her mother to the nursing home, but the State caseworker told me it was the daughter's responsiblity, not mine. So, that's what was done. She is gone more then 10 years now and it still bothers me how her kids acted during this time. I am now the caregiver for my husband who now has dementia. I have a wonderful support group of friends and my family along with respite programs for myself. His family is totally out of the picture since their mother passed away. They didn't like when I asked them for help with their mother's care, so I know they are non-caring and useless. God Bless you, for dealing with the MIL that you have! If she continues the way she is, the State will step in and that will be no ones fault but her own. Good luck.
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Thank you all for your comments and sharing your situations on this site. Again, I feel like I'm not alone. I also wonder why I have to be subjected to my moms ugliness. After she is ugly to me mostly, or to someone else, and completely focused on herself, I feel awful for days and days. It has a long lasting effect and my sweetheart and friends can not be subjected to hearing the stories... because they are so awful and hurtful. I am heading there now... and am also trying to find a way to build a wall to stop the hurt from being flung my way. I agree with those who say the husband/son is the one who has to stand in between the mother and daughterinlaw. He has to keep protecting his wife, because hopefully that relationship will go on for many, many, many, many years after the MIL is gone. All my best wishes to you....
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Not all DIL have such serious MIL problems. My Canadian friend's MIL had full care from govt health but did forget much. Thought DIL was former girlfriend of her son; and 'so glad' they were together! Then sent son and DIL on their way so she could get ready "to have tea with the queen". They all lived happily ever after.
It makes a big difference when caregiving and its stresses are not added in. Try to avoid that problem by making your own plans for long term care and spare your family.
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madge1- Thanks SO much for recommeding that site. I have been able to take a look at it and I has been such an eye opener as I can now better understand her reasoning. However it still doesn't make her behavior excusable. I've been able to plug in the names of the family members for whom she can put into those rolls and not it makes a lot of sense. I have tons more reading on the site but from what I have been able to read, I thank you for the suggestion. :-)
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MyWitsEnd - I like your way of thinking and your quote "My give a damn is busted." I only wish my MIL was actually capable getting up and doing things for herself but because of the neuropathy she is either bed or chair ridden and refuses to try unless she wants attention and then she can magically get up causing herself to fall more then not. Makes one wonder doesn't it? Otherwise I would love to use those tactics. I am SO glad that she doesn't live with me. I believe my own mother should have used that tactic on my grandfather who was living with them. He didn't say much but also expected my mother to wait on him hand and foot. I believe for my own sanity I am going to distance myself from her for a while and support my husband from behind the scenes for a bit. At least these blogs are helping me realize what the problem is and how to react to it. Thanks again! :-)
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Have faith- us DIL's can't do some things, but we can control what we personally are willing to do and how it affects our family. I am viewing my very Demanding MIL like I do a child. I am not a maid and this is not a hotel. You don't like carrots in your salad- pick them out. You want your laundry done a certain way- you know where the machine is. I am quickly seeing I will wear myself out. I do believe my give a damn is busted :).
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Breadbaker - Yes that much I have been made aware of as APS (Adult Protective Services) has been contacted via the hospital because my MIL has been in and out of the hospital more often then not. The EMT's are also made to keep records each time they are called out and when my FIL kept calling them because my MIL fell they were contacted and got involved. He's too old to be dealing with her alone. That was a couple years back as they now have a caretaker but they won't be staying much longer because of the way my MIL has treated them and they have decided to break all ties. So I'm expecting APS to get back involved full force. I know my MIL got highly ticked at all of us when APS got involved this last time thinking it was one of us that had contacted them. We explained to her that we wouldn't have done that because it would have only hindered our ability to assist her the way that she would like to be helped. We explained to her that IF APS gets too involved and things don't check out at the house like they should then we could lose all control of helping them and the State would take custody over them and they would be treated like a child and be placed in a state run facility where I know they don't want to be. She said that won't ever happen. We told her then she is going to have to corporate with the family so that we can assist her in the way that she would prefer. So we shall see. It deeply saddens me to see them like this but under the same token we can't be constantly abused like this either. I know it hurts my husband and I will stand by him through thick or thin as our vows state for better or worse. I suppose this is just part of the worse.
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MyWittsEnd - Oh my goodness yes, then you understand exactly what I'm going through especially if your MIL is living with you. I am SO grateful that mine isn't. I think I would have been in an insane asylum by now if she was. That's why anymore when we have to be around her I stay in the kitchen and help prepare the meals and clean up and so forth. That way I don't have to physically be around her except during the meal. But no longer will I spend countless hours in hospitals or nursing / rehab centers. I would never tell my husband not to visit or do what he feels that he needs to do unless it completely neglected me but I also do not have to be around her and subject myself to her abuse any longer. Thank you for allowing me to vent as I don't want to lose my close relationship with my friends, family and co-workers. As they only can listen to it for so long. Prime reason I searched for a blog that I could get some non biased opinions. I truly thank you for your suggestions and listening ear.
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Madge1 - Thanks for the suggestion about the site. I will certainly take a look. I'm all about educating myself as that is the prime reason I have gotten onto ageingcare.com and other sites of the sort so that I could better provide the tools for my husband and his siblings. As well as us not having to pull out our hair when that time does come to make decisions. As I am only the daughter in law I have no rights to make those decisions. I can only get the ball rolling. The rest is now in their court. Thanks again for the incite. Everybody's suggestions and comments are really helping me open my eyes to this situation and realize that it's not me with the issues even though my MIL feels that it is.
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