How do I handle this situation living with my family and father-in-law?

"Here's the issue...my wife thinks I'm wrong because I think that I and our kids should take priority."

Nonsense. Do you think your wife would accept that as a fair summary of her thoughts on the issue? Of course she wouldn't! Her reluctance to chuck her father out is not the same as her disagreeing that your kids - though, by the way, I notice you put yourself ahead of them there - should take priority.

"he is as happy as a turtle in the sun because she is doing everything for him"

Nonsense. He may be content to blame everybody else for what is going on in the household, he may sit there like a frog in a pond taking everything he's offered, but given that conflict in the household makes his own position precarious he is NOT going to be happy.

Right, enough. You get the picture - the whole post is full of crooked thinking and false constructions.

You three adults are at loggerheads. Cue: you and lots of other people saying aha! the manipulative old bastard's got what he wanted, he's driven a wedge etc etc etc.

Again, nonsense. The old man is not in charge. You and your wife are the decision-makers in this household. But instead of linking arms to deal with a horrendous situation, you have fallen into the trap of a) blaming one another and b) thinking the other person should do something about it.

And because you're both under considerable strain and this has been so painful, it's very difficult for you each to trust the other to have your best interests at heart. But you must. And you must comfort one another, and support one another.

And for God's sake stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself. I'm sorry, but honestly! Just you read back over what you've written and see how much of it is poor old you. You're not dead. You're not anyone's dependant. Your wife hasn't died. You're not even facing having to say no to your widowed father. Do count your blessings.

Where do you go from here? Mind-map time, I think. Just you and her, a big sheet of paper and some coloured pens. Can you get a sitter for the kids and grandpa and go away for a night or two?

Mmm. I see what you say about her getting defensive when you, oh Mr Rational Practicality, just want to talk about solutions.

It is possible that she has gone off you, a bit, over the last few months. Also that she is tired and depressed and not feeling any too romantic.

Flowers and "I'm sorry that I haven't understood and I haven't been kinder" might be a start.

Then you can move gradually, carefully, on to how to make the long haul tolerable for all concerned. Softly softly.

Your family should come first. Dad wants to move some new woman in? Whose home is this? Did he discuss this with the two of you? Does your wife have other siblings that could help with dad? Check in your area for AL, if he has no savings or assets he should be eligible for Medicaid benefits which would pay for the facility. How old is this self centered adult? The information about MIL should've been disclose before moving in, but that is water under the bridge. I understand the continuing education so as to ultimately better the lives of your family by making yourself more marketable in the workforce. As I understand it you are working 2 jobs and classes. Your wife works and daddy dearest sits on his hind end thinking he's going to have a free ride, not even contributing by simple chores. Apparently he had the time and wherewithal to go out, socialize, meet someone else after MIL passeds so the grief part is over if he wants to move her in. How about he moves in with her or they go find their own place? Win win for all. Have you asked your wife how she feels about his moving on with someone else? This may be hard on her, making her think if she does more he won't need to look for someone else, thats he's doing this to spite her? Sorry FIL, I have young children here and I can not condone your moving a perfect stranger into my family's home. You need to get your wife on board too, no overnight guests either. Grandpa doesn't get slumber parties in your home. As others have said, counseling is a good idea. You know how this situation is effecting your family life, but also how is it effecting your children? How do they feel about this? THEY don't need the stress, they are also more aware than most adults give them credit for. Remain calm, DO NOT dictate to your wife, ask for suggestions, weigh options, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER, TELL HER, DON'T ASSUME SHE KNOWS IT. Do not even utter the words leaving or divorce, once said you can't take them back and they will stay with her, always in the back of her mind regardless of what you do or say they will be there, nagging and hurting her.

Just wondering what has happened, hopefully for the better, with your situation