Here goes, I am at my wits end. My mother is 72 and fairly good health. I tried to help her and my father in anything they needed help with but it was just never enough. What I get is guilt trips if I don't rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers. She tells me she has breast cancer then the following week she doesn't she has every ailment that someone else has but of course much worse. She doesn't like anybody. She won't let nurses in the house to care for my father she needs to be in everyones business and then has something bad to say about everyone. She dislikes my friends. She goes to the Drs and everytime she comes out she can't stand the Dr she can't stand her Psychiatrist She was asked not to come back to a hospital that she was in because of how she treated the Drs and Nurses and when I try to reason with her as to how we can get her help with the way she feels she says I have the problem not her. Then I take time away which she hates and she lets me know it but I do it anyways with total guilt because she makes sure that she tells me I don't care for her or my father. So I just don't know how to handle this. Thereis so much more. Any suggestions ?
If your mother is interfering with your father getting health services he needs, I would report that to his doctor.
Keep doing what you are doing -- take time away, EXCEPT stop feeling guilty for it. You did not cause your mother's mental health issues. Apparently no one can do anything right for her. Why should you be different? But this is Not Your Fault! You have every right to protect yourself from her abusive behavior.She has actually been banned from a hospital because of her behavior! Clearly this is not about you and certainly not your fault. I don't suggest totally banning her from your life. But reducing contact to the minimum you can without abandoning your father sounds like a good plan to me.
When you are visiting her it is OK to leave if you need to. Give her one warning. "Mother, I'm not here to listen to you criticize me. Let's talk about something pleasant, or I'll leave." Then leave if she is relentless. "I'll come back next week. Maybe you'll be in a more pleasant mood then." Just because she buys you a guilt ticket doesn't mean you have to take the trip.
It's NOT you!
Do you have a mental health provider you see ? That you be helpful in learning how to maintain boundaries and make healthy choices about how much exposure you want to your toxic mother.
You ARE allowed to say "No Mother, that is not a convenient appointment for me; would you like me to call the doctor's office to change it or will you do it yourself? These are the times I can be available. And of course, you could call a cab or use the local elder transport service".
If this is met with howls of protest about "honor thy father and mother" or "you don't love me anymore", treat it exactly the way you would a temper tantrum from a two year old.
Turn and walk away. You can't "fix" what is wrong with your mom. But you CAN and SHOULD protect yourself.
And who has the diabetes - she or your father?
My mother can absolutely care for herself my father he can't.
He isn't in the great of health but if my mother doesn't get her own way he will go along with her because if he don't she will take it out on him ... meaning giving him the silent treatment and if that doesn't work she will mentally abuse him. I've talked to my father on the way to a Drs appointment and asked if he would like to live somewhere else and he said he would never leave my mother because she's to sick and I tell him she isn't but I guess at 75 he's stuck in his way.
Neither of my parents drive my father can't because he's legally blind and my mother can but she won't go for her liscense because its on the computer.
If I do anything that has been suggested here she will tell me I'm a bad daughter and don't care for her dying parents.
She's only satisfied when people do for her and her only oh and I even offered to bring her to a senior center to meet people she said she don't need friends.
I feel so guilty writing the truth but it helpsme vent. I am going to purchase the books recommended tonight.
Thank you all !
Lisa
You have done far more than your siblings, and more than most of us would have.
Your dad is an adult and can make choices. You can too.
You can choose to take yourself out of an abusive relationship. You can choose to set boundaries.
Wish me luck and again thank you !
What I learned about my parents was that their relationship (and dysfunction) was based on 60 years of them living their own "script". I couldn't step in and change it, as much as I wanted to, to help them both. So your dad has cast his lot with your mom and it will be tough to watch him suffer. But he made that choice when he was younger and healthier and he'll have to live with that decision.
But that doesn't mean you have to take the same unhealthy path of letting your mom mentally abuse you. You've gotten some good suggestions about how to set boundaries for yourself. We care, so let us know how you're doing. What you're going to try to do with your relationship with your mom won't be easy, but we're here to support you.
My mother can absolutely care for herself my father he can't.
He isn't in the great of health but if my mother doesn't get her own way he will go along with her because if he don't she will take it out on him ... meaning giving him the silent treatment and if that doesn't work she will mentally abuse him. I've talked to my father on the way to a Drs appointment and asked if he would like to live somewhere else and he said he would never leave my mother because she's to sick and I tell him she isn't but I guess at 75 he's stuck in his way.
Neither of my parents drive my father can't because he's legally blind and my mother can but she won't go for her liscense because its on the computer.
If I do anything that has been suggested here she will tell me I'm a bad daughter and don't care for her dying parents.
She's only satisfied when people do for her and her only oh and I even offered to bring her to a senior center to meet people she said she don't need friends.
I feel so guilty writing the truth but it helpsme vent. I am going to purchase the books recommended tonight.
Thank you all !
Lisa
I said no I just wanted to make sure you both are doing okay. Then she said she had to let me go because she was having chest pains ( for the up teen time ) 98 % of the time she cries wolf.
Thanks for putting up with my venting.
" Coming over" will do nothing for her chest pain, and you are within your rights to point that out to her.
I'm glad you are able to take some steps toward boundary setting!
Has your mother always been like this?
Has she actually ever had any serious ill health?
I wasn't being facetious. Chest pains in elders should be handled by professionals.
My mother did have a triple by pass back in 2010 and since then she has had a clean bill of health.
As for my father saying that she is sick is what he has to go with because she tells him she has all these ailments that as his wife he would believe her.
I've taken her to the Drs many times and the doctor says all is well. Don't get me wrong I know things can occur and when she does cry chest pains when I'm on the phone I tell her I am calling for an ambulance and her reply is don't you dare.
I love my parents but I never dreamed it would be like this.
One faint bell ringing with me: when the doctor says all is well, does he mean all is well or does he mean all is as well as can be expected given your mother's medical history? My eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling when I heard my mother tell a triage nurse that she was in good health: whereas the truth was that by virtue of almost the entire British Pharmacopeia she was normally symptom-free, not at all the same thing. I'm guessing that your mother continues on a range of medications, does she? - and is she a compliant patient or a bit of a nightmare?
personality/reaoning/ability to manage after that?
The deep anesthesia used for open heart surgery can uncover or worsen even mild cognitive issues. Was your mom placed on antidepressants after the surgery? After my husband had open heart surgery a decade or so ago, we were told that antidepressant therapy was part of the protocol for successful rehab.
What doctors say your mom is healthy? It sounds as though she may need a geriatrics specialist who is going to look at more than blood tests.
I'm not saying you should rush over when she has chest pain. But having had a cardiac intervention of the sort she had CAN lead to a pervasive sense that things are about to fall to pieces that needs addressing.
Is her psychiatrist one who specializes in elders?
Another suggestion as to the driving. There is a c9mpany that will drive seniors to appointments. I forget the name of it, but call you Areawide Agency on Aging and find out. You don’t need to be the taxi because SHE made the decision AND choice not to take her driver's test online. Why should she...she has you? Do you see what I mean? Please let us know how you are as you take steps to deal with this situation. Best!
I see so much of myself in your original post, I just had to share.
It took me 50 years to come to terms with my own verbally and emotionally abusive mother. I tried so hard to please her - always making myself available, listening to her endless rants and philosophies on what others have done or should be doing.
I could never make her happy and made myself and eventually my husband and my children miserable with constantly attempting to meet her needs and continuously falling short as she found fault in everything I did.
I finally went to counseling and learned that she has borderline personality disorder w narcissistic behavior so it would never ever matter what I did, she was the one with the problem, not me!
I learned how to set boundaries, however, she would not adhere to them so I had to sever all contact to protect myself from her abusive behavior. There are days I miss having her in my life but mostly not as I feel free from such a heavy burden - who needs so much negativity in life?
Do your best to set some boundaries but don’t kill yourself trying to please someone (even your own mother) who has decided to be unhappy.
Please know YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT and in fact are an amazing individual for trying so hard and caring as much as you do.
It’s truly sad she is not able to appreciate what you offer in the relationship. Good luck and please come back to let us know how you are.
Yet, there's something I want to make you aware of: the logical thing to happen in life, especially because you say your father's health is frail, is that at some point she will end up alone and ill, and "by default" you will also be the 'logical' person to take care of her, and even to live with her.
Please realize that can happen fairly soon, and that what you are experiencing now is NOTHING compared to actually living with the person, when they are actually sick and feeling they're lacking control and you likely being the sole caregiver.
So, please plan for it! Part of that planning is to start seriously setting those boundaries people have recommended here, because let me tell you, you don't want to be in my shoes. I know I probably have options but none that brings peace to my conscience. Right now my mom is sick, physically and also hurting emotionally and mentally tremendously, so I know it makes no sense to attempt to establish boundaries at this point. Establishing boundaries now means she will not eat, she will lock herself in her room (right now she is there...and I did/say nothing to cause it), she will not take any medication, and she will find words to hurt me as deeply as you can imagine. So, at this point I'm just praying to God to give me the strength to do this and be the best loving person I can be because my ultimate goal is to take care of her, maybe not even for her, but for me!
So don't become me. You have time to change things. You can still talk to her (or not) without the heavy guilt of knowing her life and wellbeing really depend on you.
And also, to make your life a little easier, try to remember that she is not intending to be mean to you. She acts like that because of a mental illness called narcissism, she was likely raised in ways that led to that (read the recommended books). Being informed will help you feel in the position of control, and not the controlled one, even when a situation may seem like you're being the controlled one. For example, if she asks you if you're are calling to see if they're dead and that she has chest pains, instead of feeling angry you'll realize she is really like an angry child that acts the only way she knows, and knowing this will allow you to respond ignoring her comments (truly) and being the bigger person...because you really will feel like the bigger person!
That much I've achieved, but it's not my merit, it's because my mom's actions and comments are so out of the norm that I've no option but seeing she's really not in control of herself, her anger, her words, her behavior.
But I am. Despite what things might seem like, even if I seem submissive, I know my goal and I know her limitations (emotionally and mentally), I know I'm the bigger person.
God bless and hope you find the little light that's sometimes hard to find to get through this!
Your profile says that she has diabetes. How long has she had it and has she had it in good control? Has she had a diagnosis of some specific mental illness? There are so many possibilities that might explain her conduct and contentions. I'd consider if there is some medical component, before writing it off as her being mean. I know it's hard to tell the difference, since they can look so similar.
Often, we can't do much to change others, but, we do have the ability to change the internal dialogue that we have in our own head. I think I might try to get some support with family, friends, support group or therapist to get that dialogue changed to one that honors you as a loving daughter and gives you the strength to support your father through this. It can't be easy for him to live with her either. Still, if he's competent, it's his choice.
I know people who do not provide accurate information, like your mom. Some are liars and other have cognitive decline that makes them invent things that are not true, though, they believe it. I learned to accept that others are not accurate in hurtful things that they may say. I hope that you can regain your confidence and find peace with your role in the family.
I would be concerned about your father. His health is declining, and I'd bet part of that is related to the games your mother is playing with his head. If she's playing games with your head, she's surely doing it to him as well. Living with someone who is playing head games is extremely stressful and will take a toll on your health. This isn't a 'I think' statement, this is a 'I know'--I developed a potentially serious stress related health problem while preparing my parents' farmhouse for sale after my father died (my parents should have sold that place years ago, they were not taking care of the property and they wanted to travel). OK, the next question is how to go about dealing with this Gordian Knot of problems that your mother is creating because of her behavior.
The first thing I would advise you to do is to spend at least a day online reading up on Cluster B personality disorders (especially Borderline PD and Narcissistic PD). I would also want you to read-up on emotional / psychological abuse and the Stockholm Syndrome (this is when abuse victims identify with their abusers and become essentially brainwashed by their abusers.)
This is expensive, but it's probably the best way to deal with the situation. I would consider consulting a private elder care coordinator, even if all you can afford is a 'lay of the land' 90 minute consultation. Most elder care coordinators are either very experienced nurses or social workers who have lots of experience working with families struggling to provide care for their elders. I would look for someone who has extensive experience working with 'difficult' elders--that is, elders with mental health problems and elders who are behaving abusively.
Some senior centers, elder services and councils for the aging offer case management services, similar to what the private pay elder care coordinator offers. So, you might want to talk to your parents' primary care provider (or someone in the office who knows about this sort of thing.) Some hospitals and health systems offer this sort of service. The problem is that these case managers generally have a much larger case load than the private pay elder care coordinators and may not be able to spend as much time as you would like interviewing your parents, working with the family and creating a care plan.
If you have relatively decent siblings, let them know what's going on. They need to know about the head games mother is playing. You need support. However, I would not call upon siblings who are themselves abusive or who support momster's behavior.
I would regularly take father out for coffee, lunch or other things that he likes. This is part of taking good care of him. He needs time away from momster. Take him out for a treat once a week. Don't pressure him to talk about mom's bad / abusive behavior, just be there and listen. He probably is to proud to admit that he is hen-pecked, so you do want to watch for signs that he might be in trouble. Hopefully, after regular trips out, he'll feel safe talking to you about what's going on in the house.
If your mother is severely personality disordered, she's not going to take responsibility for her bad behavior, that she needs mental health care. She will want to blame everyone else--and that includes your father--for problems that are of her own doing. She is much more likely to accept help from an elder care coordinator if you empathize with her, that taking care of Dad is tough, especially coordinating his appointments, medicine, etc--and that you would like to have both your parents meet with someone who is really good at arranging for care. When you talk to seniors (and other people in general) it's always best to show how it's in that person's self interest to introduce someone from outside the family to help.
A good care coordinator can do things like chair a family meeting where you discuss with your parents what sort of help you are willing to offer--and what you are not willing to do. Many times, the fact that that an outsider is in the room will change the family dynamics, will mean that people will be on their best behavior, and things can actually be discussed.
The advantage to using an elder care coordinator is that person will be very familiar with the various caregiving services available. If your parents need mental health care, that person probably knows the local providers and can steer them toward someone / organization that would be a good 'fit'.
You've got a lot on your plate. I hope that helps
DoN
It has taken me 4 years, since he lost his driver license, to come to this point. 4 YEARS of daily incessant worry and guilt. I've sacrificed myself, not exercising in order to accommodate his "needs". I've gained weight, am tired all the time, etc. At some point I got a little wake-up call. This site helped, friends advice has helped also. But I no longer feel guilty for saying "no".
This is not to say that I am free of worry. My father is constantly on my mind, and I am concerned about the decisions I make or do not make. Second-guessing myself will be more difficult to shed, but am making progress.
I just wish that I would have known what all this would FEEL like. I didn't see it coming.
But the sun is still shining, and I believe that this, too, shall pass....
I wish you peace..