How do I handle the crushing guilt?

Oh, I am so sorry, Grandma6m. Regarding the crushing guilt, well, I have found that I feel guilty about my mom (advanced Alzheimer's) no matter what. The guilt is awful, and doesn't necessarily disappear even if you are being the most amazing Super Woman daughter. The guilt and the grief. The grief and the guilt. They are both tragically tied to the children of dementia patients. Here's what helped me. So.... I couldn't see my mom for over a year due to covid lockdown. I cried every time I passed her building and looked up at her window. When I finally got in to see her, I was happily surprised and amazed to see she had not deteriorated. After that, I trusted the care staff more and was able to take time for myself with less guilty feelings. As for my dad, who doesn't have dementia but requires a lot of support, YES, I hate to admit that I often can't look at him because I'm so sick of doing everything for him without ever a "thank you". Sigh. You've got it 10x worse than me because of your bad childhood. Grandma6m, on behalf of your dad I'd like to say, "I SEE HOW YOU HAVE HELPED ME. THANK YOU". Cut yourself a break if you possibly can. Mark your calendar when you are willing to see your dad again. Between now and that day, you are required to rest and do things for yourself. God bless you.

Don’t feel guilty. Most of us couldn’t take it. I would cut down the visits to once a month or less. He has lived longer that most people. You visited him more than my husband visited his mom. She had Alzheimer’s and was like a 2 year old. They weren’t close and he would only visit every 6 weeks.

Contact Alzheimers Association, the is a 24/7 phone number you can call . Trained people will answer .. They will listen and will be able to head you in the right direction. I attend an on-line group. I have for the last 2 years. It really helps .. I also talk, one on one, ( at no cost to me ) with a trained therapist. You are not alone. If all CareTakers were honest I’m pretty sure they all have shared your feelings at one time or another . I know I have ..
24/7 Helpline 800-272-3900. It’s a start .. Please remember , your human, you didn’t cause and you can’t cure it . You can’t change who they are in there illness but you can change your reaction to the warped reality they live in.
Give your self a gift , make the call …