Follow
Share

My father-in-law is in end stage of copd and recieves hospice care a few times a week.
He has always been difficult, argumenatative and passive-aggressive. I also know that people with copd are some of the most difficult people to care for because of the constant struggle to breathe.
He acts as if he does not trust my husband and I when it comes to meds. He honestly thought morphine was imbalming fluid and that I was trying to kill him.
After almost a year of constant struggle with him, to even get him to take the prescribed meds. correctly, he has finally ( for now at least ), accepted the meds.
The main problem I am having are his out bursts and complete lack of respect for me. When he yells at me or says something disrepspectful, I very calmly tell him that if he cannot respect me, that I can no longer help him. Of course he ALWAYS denies anything has taken place. There was one occurance, where I thought he was going to hit me.
How can I work through issues with him, when he is in complete denial?
Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
i find many carers on here who put too much emphasis on daily bathing / showering. my mother doesnt like to get soaking wet and hasnt for years. she keeps herself quite freshened up with adult aloe wipes and an occasional hair washing. just because western culture advocates a daily shower or bath does not make it an absolute necessity. if you tried to cram me in bathtub against my wishes we would have problems that would require the police to sort out. you are dealing with elders with twice the common sense that you possess dementia or not and you should refrain rom treating them like a child. they arent working in a steel mill, they may not need daily bathing and in fact youll dry their fragile skin out with too much bathing..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Could anyone be dealing with "Sundown Syndrome?" My dad had the condition when he was dying of renal failure. If it only happens when the sun begins to go down, look it up. It didn't stop with my dad but it did give us caregivers a better understanding of what was happening. Prayers to all of you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hello dinagrey,

One of our experts just published an article on this very subject. I think you will find it helpful. The link is below.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-temper-tantrums-156852.htm

I wish you the best,
The AgingCare.com Team
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It's a very hard one but always remember to do what is right for you, no matter what? Its not about you,its about his fear in life. Follow your hart and you will be okay!!!!! You already doing a great job taking care of him, you can be proud of yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have learned after years of struggles and trial and error and paying attention to every lesson I could find to deal with my disabled brother's tantrums and then working with elders - the best idea is to listen first, then confront the tone or disrespect, but not say long-term things like, "I won't help you any more" - but say short term changes: "I'm trying to help but you seem to want to insult me. I will go upstairs now, and come back in half an hour." I got that from Supernanny - who tells a child what they did, then gives children one minute on the Naughty Chair per year of age. Having a time limit makes it so much kinder and it fits the situation, for something momentary is affecting the person. Planning long term changes is not realistic and will be soon ignored. Leaving is important - gives everyone time to relax. But say why, and give a time proposal. Then go and do something relaxing. When you come back, you can try again, but if he is stil sarcastic, say again, you will have to leave if he keeps talking like that - and do it again. The combination of confrontation, consequences, and kindness by giving a time frame - can help a lot, and it is something most of us can feel decent about doing, so we can follow through.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Run. seriously. Couple days ago I was chased by mom swinging a large shovel at me. I've been doing very well with her diet and exercise regimen in the last year, and she's getting fast, but her temper is constant. All i've got is to back away and throw a continually shrinking pool of options at her. I've got 3 of her old friends and her brother ..I rotate between them ..call or text an SOS...and a time frame I'd hope for a response in. I go as sparingly as I dare, ..once you've burned them out, they never come back.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother has always been difficult. She now has demensia and she lives in a group home since January 2013. She'll have episodes where she is mean, abusive verbally, and you literally can not deal with her. When we took care of her at home, we had to put up with this behavior because we couldn't leave her alone. Now when I'm visiting her and she does this, I just calmly tell her, I will be back later after she's "calmed down" and leave. At least with demensia, there is no grudge.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother is sweet as pie if I sit with her all day and night till she goes to bed. I serve her teas and do what she wants. I am with her 24/7, I have no place to go. She goes to Adult Care for a few hours during the week, it is not much and it is a lot work to get her there but for a few hours I have time alone. She has been home for two weeks straight with the Adult Ctr being closed for vacations, and now a four day straight Easter break. I am feeling like a prisoner in this small house. I can't read a book in another room without her looking for me and it is every five minutes checking where I am. If I don't sit with her she gets nasty and says things within earshot, such as I am a nasty bitch and evil. Lovely, I make mistakes and call her on it and she says she is praying. I said God really doesn't want to hear about how much of a bitch I am and she gets mad. I just try to and remove myself from her, which is difficult because she keeps after me. I feel smothered by her. Today is one year that I moved here to care for her, and I am so sorry that I did. I sure do see my mother's dementia, it is not put on, but I also see her sneaky, manipulative behavior, I also see how she plays some memory loses to her advantage. You have to see it to believe it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother gets mad and curses my sister and me when its time for a bath. In her mind she has already bathed and is not a nasty person. She has hemorids piles as she calls it. Mama will see in her panties where the "piles" have bled and still say "these are clean,Im not nasty etc." All we do is talk calmly and insist gently on a bath. My sis is better at being calm than I am. My oldest daughter can get mama to cooperate more times than either of us can. The key I think is to be loving and calm and don't take no for an answer. Sometimes it can take an hour other times not. The duration varies but the tone of your voice must always be without frustration and let the love shine.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I take care of my 91 year old Dad, who has stage 4 Parkinson's. He does not have dementia. I can tell the difference when he is railing against being old and sick; this I let roll off my back. However when he cames at me because I am not doing what he wants; I back him off. Depending on my mood or how exhausted I am, I tell him off, cry to show how he has hurt me, or most effectively I leave. I do something I did before the 24/7 care took over my life. . Leaving is usually because I have endured a week of him sniping at me. I come back in a few hours, but if there is no change I go upstairs. The message is loud and clear, you need me, treat me with respect or I am gone. Being old and in pain doesn't excuse bad manners. Counter intiuitive, I know, somehow it makes him feel better. He is being held to account for his actions, He is part of the community, his actions matter. We both feel much better.
You wouldn't let anyone else treat you that way, why him?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I agree with Christina. I am living with my mother suffering from dementia. I have read that these patients get angry spells because they are losing control of things they once did for themselves. I moved in with her 6 months ago and didn't realize how bad she was and thought it was because she was skipping her anti-depressant meds; but realized after I witnessed her taking her meds every day, that's not the case. She still has a flare ups and I have learned that the best way to handle it is to ignore her. I live upstairs, so I will either go up to my space, or get out of the house for a couple of hours. By the time I get back, all has been forgotten. Hang in there...it's not you...it's the disease.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Try distracting him with a favorite activity or conversation that interests him. Perhaps putting beloved family photos where he can see them would lighten his spirit as well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Same answer for all situations where caregiver reacts to manipulation by their charge: Detach emotionally, aware of the specific buttons being pushed.
You are reacting to a Loud, Fearful, probably Remorseful old man. Why?
You must EQUIP yourself each time you deal with him by reminding yourself that he is like a sick caged animal. You still have to do your job--right? If you don't then that's different.
Tell yourself it's just "special FX." That's how I get through scary movies. LOL
Seriously, don't take his bs personally and don't try to convince him or argue with him. You know what's real and he has another reality.
Finally, please try this: The next time he blows up and threatens with anger and accusations, be very calm. Have patience and understanding. Let him know that you are there if he would like to discuss his fears or concerns. You have to be strong and know it's not about you, it's about a very sick old man:( take care, xo
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I don't believe there is any way to work through the issues. Your FIL sounds much like my mother with her temper. She forgets things that took place or puts the blame on me. If I hadn't been this or that way, then she wouldn't have gotten angry. Her oppositional stance can make for a very unpleasant life for both of us. I've found that there is nothing I can do to change her behavior. When she starts fighting at me, I just do what I have to do, then leave her alone. I've gotten better at recognizing the opening statements of an incoming argument now, so usually duck out of the room before it starts. I duck out of the room a lot. :)
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.