How do I handle it when my 83-year-old mother tells people lies about me? She does have dementia and does get confused a lot.

Hiya, Dj..
You have to know that this issue is VERY common. And as in my mothers case, gets much worse. Most health care teams have seen this so fairly often that they are able to determine the fact from fictions of a dementia related story. She had already said that she was afraid, so BOOM, she will come up with as many other excuses as she can. Also, if it's frustrating for them, they automatically think its frustrating for you. Which in turn, then creates that lie that pops out. In this case, I told my mom "you know this isnt true and im sorry you think that".

Sometimes when they lie its because of some other issue as in the bathing. Its their way of communicating being scared of getting in and out of the tub OR maybe its a bit embarrassing to have to have help. In cases of being embarrassed, I have my mom put on a thin robe and after I get her in the tub and close the curtain, she takes it off and hands it to me.

Wish I could say it doesnt get tougher. Sometimes, it does. The lies you hear sometimes, downright break your heart. But remind yourself, YOU know its a lie. So focus on finding the root of the lie. Not in all cases, I say, pick and choose your battles or thats all youll end up doing is battling her confused mind.

DJ you cant threaten your mom with placing hersomewhere else, or even trying to discipline her like a 4 year old. As Keely said, most professional know when there is fabrication or a real concern. Trust me they look for any signs of abuse. My mom tries to do the same thing and I know its a condition of dementia. You see, if you are the child your role is so much different to them than what they are use to. What I did with my mother is say to her," I am trying to do the best I can, I'm sorry if everything does not satisfy you" Then i just shut down a little and dont talk. Trust me, that liitle part of your mom that remembers you are her child will come back and try to do or say something that will turn you around. Please remeber DJ this is your mom even though her little mind is going away slowly. It is hard and I have only been doing this for a little over 6 months, but daily I learn new things about the disease. Cherish what you have right now with your mom even though you get frustrated, and remember she is CONFUSED about what is happening to her!! It is not going to be an easy road so hang in there and if you can keep, stay on this site, trust me you are not alone!!!!

Hi,
My mother, who has Alzheimer's, has been doing this for a long time. She would tell me her caregiver was mean to her and did this or that, and at first I believed her. Then she started accusing me of hurting her. Then I realized it is part of the dementia. It doesn't bother me anymore. Your mother may just be trying desperately to get out of taking a shower. My mother is the same way about showering. I used to give her a shower every other day, and now it is every 3 or 4 days and a shampoo once a week because she is so afraid. She still fights me, but we get through it. I'll be the home health nurse believes you.

I agree also, if your health care provider is aware that she has dementia they will take what she says with a grain of salt. It is difficult to deal with sometimes, but like with a child, often the best reaction is no reaction.

Take care!

Get used to it and know that you are doing absolutely the best that you or anyone else could do. They always hurt the one they love, I believe this is normal behavior, my 96 year old mother-in-law did that the entire 14 years that we took care of her and now my father (95) thinks that things are happening when they really are not. I know that it hurts, mostly because they are your parents, but now they have reverted to childhood. This is easy for me to say, even though it happens to me, too. Hang in there, you are blessed.

It makes you feel horrible doesn't it?? You just watch that you are with the nurse when information is given. Being gentle but firm, saying...Mom, you know that isn't true....and, yes, you must protect yourself against her words, have you thought about putting nanny cams or the like in her room? Nothing about dementia is easy....stop worrying yourself tho, most of the nurses and hospice have seen sooo much of this behavior...they know the signs...Good luck, bless you

Hi DJ_Unfortunately there is not much you can do about your Mom's behavior-as it is her disease or her meds-or a combination of both-that you are seeing--it is NOT your Mom-As difficult as it may be-you have to tell yourself this when she exhibits this behavor-if you cannot calmly handle matters-just excuse yourself and walk away. The people she tells these lies to-most likely know that they are not the truth.
If you think the situation can get better-contact her neuroligust-about a possible med change. I also would be in contact with your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association-for their opinion as well as these great people in this forum.
The caregiving journey is not all that easy at times-I have been there-But with support-it is doable.
Best,
Hap

My mom died 2 months ago, dad was her only caregiver. We thought he'd come back to life and be better after he didn't have to take care of her. Boy were we wrong. We knew he had a little ALZ but it's really taken over now. He's worse every single day. I try to make the conversations early in the morning so sundowners isn't an issue and most days he's fine. Other family members call and ask why I did this or that and upset him..........ahhh I didn't. Now they think I'm awful and a liar.

If someone gets a solution to this they should get a gold star.
It's hard to sift the truth from fiction when I am the one who knows what's going on, but it's impossible for a neighbor or relative who doesn't know of a day with Mr. Crazy.

You can't pick and choose what's true and what's not and you have to err on the side of caution every time.

Yesterday he said that his oldest brother had been over and gone thru the drawers and taken stuff. His oldest brother has been dead 15 years. My right brian knows that no one was there but I'm scared to death that he either did or will let someone in and he'll get hurt. Top that off with his story about the little boy that stays there ( a teddy bear) who got down off his chair and changed the tv station, and I'm as bad as him for an hour or two.

Good luck and remember you can leave the room and sort this out, they are stuck in that fantasy world.

Dj, you speak for so many of us about the way it feels to us when our elderly parent says something to others that "makes us look bad", as you say. I sympathize with you, and I want to underscore what the others here are saying.....that your HHN and others know right away that what your mother is saying is not true at all, and instantly in their minds they are sympathizing with you. ( and if they don't, then "oh well", so what...) This kind of thing has happened to me too, where my father will say something unflattering about me to another friend or relative, with me standing there. It hurts in the moment, but then I recover, as I try to gather my strength from knowing I am fulfilling my duty to look after my father's care, and that's what matters. My son helped to strengthen me one day too, when he said to me, "You're not doing this for recognition." What you and all of us need to forge ahead is support. When we don't get support from the elders we are caring for ( in the form of "thank you's" and the like) then we have to find and get it somewhere else----like on this forum. It is critical that we get support for ourselves so we can function well as caregivers. I say to you and the others here: "Good job!"

Any health care professional should know that when an elderly person is suffering with dementia she will say things that aren't true and even become very nasty. My father said some very hurtful things to me and I had to come to the realization that it wasn't him talking, it was the disease. I would just let others know that it is the dementia talking. If people already know you, they will not judge you.