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My husband has early onset Dementia. He desperately wants to see his mother who lives in another state 3 hr flight. She is 90 and cannot fly and neither can my husband


He has not seen her for 3 years. Over the last 7 mths he has become much worse and my son tried to organise a SKYPE with her but every time she has refused because she doesn’t want to be upset by his appearance which gives me the shi*s. As always she is controlling the narrative my husband is pretty good in the morning.


Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and his older brother will be with her. He promised he would set it up with her to talk with my husband. Now it is “try”. My husband has been increasingly anxious as tomorrow approaches. I don’t know what I will do if this evil manipulative woman refuses to look at him

Geeeez,

I retract my statement. She is the MIL from hell!

My MIL was a sweetheart but her MIL was a demon! She saw her DIL as competition and was jealous of her instead of being happy that her son had a wife who loved him. She refused to accept her DIL and her kindness. She was an evil woman.

What horrible injustice! She was a nightmare also. My MIL and FIL had to finally cut her out of their lives. In those situations I totally understand it.
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Panda,

So happy that it worked out for your husband. I wish the best for both of you. These are tough situations to be in. Hugs!

Sorry that she wasn’t able to get everything but at least she made the effort to try. That counts for something.
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Panda,

I do hope for your hubby’s sake she will be able to but she may not be emotionally strong enough. Even younger people can’t always handle these situations.
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PandabearAUS May 12, 2019
Oh she is strong enough. Sharp as a tac and as manipulating as they come. She just doesn’t want any unpleasantness. She demands total attention on her birthday and mother’s day. The mothers of her three DIL were never considered
my BIL spends every MD at his mother’s place and not with his own wife and daughters who also are Mothers

Before we got married my DH spent mother’s day morning with her then picked me up and he went to play football. We then went for a drink with friends. We got back to his house and his mother refused to speak to him. She was at the sink washing up. His older brother came in to the kitchen and preceded to punch my DH up saying “you missed dinner with your mother”. She never turned around. That’s who my MIL is
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Finally today, Mother’s Day my DH saw his mum via video call. Much calmer. Although she tut tutted all the way through and told him to try harder to get better. Realised she just doesn’t get it
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Isthisrealyreal May 12, 2019
Was he okay that he got to see her? Regardless of her poor behavior, this was about him. Is he all good?
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Perhaps your husband and his older brother can Skype tomorrow. If your husband is good in the morning, and the brothers are having a good conversation, that may make their mother curious and get her to look at the screen and involve herself. I would also make sure that your husband is looking as spiffy as you can possibly get him to look. Nice shirt. Hair combed. Teeth brushed. Maybe some rouge on his cheeks. Cameras are not forgiving, and so anything you can do to make him look good will go a long way to helping everyone have a good conversation. Good luck!
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Constantly trying to set this up is only causing disappointment and animosity, just accept that it isn't ever going to happen and let. it. go. You don't need to be right, you need to give your husband the gift of allowing him his belief that she would be there if she could - tell your husband whatever it takes to divert his attention from wanting this; tell him the internet is down or the tablet is broken and especially just stop even making it an option.


For what it's worth, my mother wouldn't go and see my brother when he was in hospice, she was a good mother but just couldn't handle it.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 12, 2019
cwille,

I agree that not everyone is able to handle these situations.

My neighbor who is young could not go see her grandfather just before he died. She was crying to me. When I told her to be sure that she was making a decision that she would not regret later she explained to me that she adored her grandfather and that she didn’t want the last image of him to be when he was frail and dying. She said she wanted to remember him as she knew him. I told her that I understood and did not pressure her. She told me that her mom told her that her grandfather understood as well.
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Record her image while she talks to him on the phone, then he may re-enjoy their conversation as often as he wants and she does not have to see something she considers disturbing.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 12, 2019
Great suggestion!
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Could your brother in law organise it so that your MIL doesn't see your husband but he can see her? He can easily put a towel over the monitor at his end. That gives her no 'excuse' to say no. And frankly it doesn't matter if it's true or not, so long as your husband doesn't give the game away.
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PandabearAUS May 11, 2019
Sorry but why should she be placated in this manner? Why should everyone manage the behaviours for one selfish manipulative old woman
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If she pulls a selfish stunt on mother's day I would never say anything about her again and pray that he forgets her.

I can not fathom why a true mother would care what he looked like, I would think that she would want to give him a loving look and some encouragement.

I pray she talks to him and has the class to be kind.
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PandabearAUS May 11, 2019
I hope so too. It means so much to my husband. It is very hurtful to me and my son to see him treated this way
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She might have too. Or some form of cognitive impairment. I saw it with technology. She could not master. Despite 7 who tried to reach.
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PandabearAUS May 11, 2019
well she manages with her other son and grandchildren. However that is the reason his brother said he will set it up as he will be using her computer in her home on
Mother’s Day
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