I get slapped down each time I try to help our Mom with reasonable ADL tasks e.g., gardening, storing /retrieving clothes with changing seasons, online accounts, wireless devices, shopping thrift for needed clothes, revoking frivolous purchases, and working through medical insurance to obtain necessary care/services. I feel badly for Mom who is denied any privilege such as being able to run her underground sprinklers for perennials as physically unable to haul hoses (due to cost), making financial decisions such as selling a car on request (us cleaning, advertising and meeting buyers), giving her a free car to drive then being scolded upon asking sister POA to call about transferring insurance to free car, etc. I drive her to most all medical appointments with our car and gas (free), I-we spend hours at a time working through life’s issues with her, often researching and making calls upon her behalf. When at the point of needing additional info or any funds to complete no matter how small — Sister gives verbal assault stating an excuse as to why I (or we if spouse helps again) didn’t follow her (incomplete or uncommunicated) orders!? There is rarely appreciation for all the time I-we spend with Mom or on obtaining things on behalf uas she has severe mobility issues from stroke, osteoarthritis, lymphedema, and cognitive decline. My heart breaks because I am used to freely helping her with laundry, cleaning her areas, and always walking on eggshells when over there, and often chewed out for leaving something mi-nute out of place after working so hard playing catch-up, that I can barely walk or think by time to run home to make dinner. Cannot win, personal insults come in over text, and the only person really getting hurt is our Mom, because this is limiting her from obtaining essentially home care services which she desperately needs. These dynamics have been occurring over the years and lately they are reaching an all time low. Mom is in her 80s and do not believe she has much time left. I have advocated for my sister to get respite and also tried to make things easier for her which always back fires. Any suggestions?? Thanks in advance!! p.s. She cannot have a home care agency come in affordably, because the government requires her to sign over the title of her home if she receives any services.

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So, if I understand you correctly, your sister lives with Mom and is supposed to be taking care of her. You and hubby, however, do all the work and make all the decisions and get nothing but grief for it from your sister. Do you think that Sister has always resented your help and since she is, as you claim, totally burned out, she has really started vocalizing her resentment of what you think she sees as your interference?

Perhaps since Sister has POA, you might want to wait to be asked to do the many tasks for Mom that you have been doing. Clear each and all expenses for Mom before you incur them. As POA, Sister needs to make an accounting of each penny (been there).

Take a break from helping Mom, sit back and wait to be asked. If Sister is her caregiver, let her ask for help. If Mom is safe, clean, fed and otherwise ok, just step back. Why do you need a “unified front”? Against someone? Or do you feel something is going on that you need to know about? You have made an offer to help and Sister apparently doesn't want it. I’m guilty of thinking no one could care for my husband as well as I can, especially in my family.
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