How do I get through the end of my mother’s life without feeling angry and disgusted with my YB?

If yelling, shouting, and wrestling took place, someone is possibly guilty of assault. If it ever happens again, call the police. Then file charges.

Honestly, just cut him out of the loop, because you're wasting too many brain cells on him. You'll be much less stressed that way. Keep in mind, too, that you are the POA and actually CAN sell her stuff if you so choose, and your brother can't do anything about it. In fact, if you want to avoid more issues with him once Mom has died and you're no longer POA, you might consider doing some of that now. If she hasn't specifically left items to him, then it's all fair game to sell. That's entirely up to you at this point.

As far as the house, hire a realtor who's experienced in selling estates. Many of the larger real estate companies now will front you money interest-free to make repairs, and they get paid back out of escrow. It's a nice deal, and you don't have to pay out of pocket up front.

I just sold my parents 1930s-era home with a 1969-era kitchen left as-is, except we painted the cabinets. We refinished the hardwood floors, painted, had it staged (VERY much worth the money), and called it good. I was shocked the buyers actually moved into it in that condition, but they did. (I hope they enjoy cooking on a stove with only two functioning burners!)

We got about $90,000 over the asking price, but had we gotten it on the market even two weeks earlier before the interest rates went up, we'd have done much better, I think.

There is really nothing you can do to “change his heart” and YOUR PLAN IS GREAT.

You and he won’t have a relationship anyway when she’s gone, and I can’t imagine why you want one.

He is no longer in a position to extend kindness to your mother, and he can’t harm her OR STEAL FROM HER without getting through you.

AND THAT WON’T HAPPEN.

Let yourself be an “only child”. Love your husband and appreciate his help.

Mentally cast your sibling as a cartoon character, blithering away without saying anything meaningful to you.

DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND think of yourself as being a soldier for your mom.

Absolutely NOTHING you are doing or have done, is horrible. It is filial self defense.

BEST to you and your husband and your mother.

As POA "YOU" are now Moms representative. You are not obliged to keep brother in the loop. He is not privy to any financial information. He is probably p***ed that your POA. He is not worth the energy you put into being angry. Your POA probably gives you permission to sell so ur within ur legal rights. Just go on with what you plan to do. Thats what I did.

If you think Medicaid will be needed within the next 5 years, then the house has to sell at Market value. I would maybe do a facelift. You want to get as much as you can. If selling allowing a VA loan or FHA loan, they are very stricted about the condition of the home. My daughter already negotiated a price but was going thru FHA. FHA told the owner he had to put a new roof on. Luckily, he knew how to do it so saved on that cost. It may only be some painting. Maybe rug shampoo or replacing it with cheap carpet. Maybe some good scrubbing. I have seem houses being flipped in my area and the contractor is doing limited work and gets thousands more for the house. A good power washing will make vinyl siding look good. Paint the shutters. Do not pay out of pocket use Moms money if u can. Keep receipts for everything. The proceeds of the house will need to go towards Moms care. None of the money can be gifted. That 15k a year that IRS allows...Medicaid doesn't.

I was told by Medicaid, if I paid out of pocket for anything done to the house or for the house, there was no guarantee Medicaid would allow me to reimburse myself when the house sold. Once Mom was on Medicaid, I did not pay taxes. I turned down the heat. We unplugged all the appliances. I set up one light in the living room to go on at dusk and turn off at 11pm. I canceled her cable and phone. Moms house did not sell till after her passing. She was on Medicaid 3 months so she only owed them 6k and they placed a lien on the house. There was a lien for property taxes which override Medicaid. Everyone was paid off, I was reimbursed out of pocket and we kids got a few thousand a piece.

I don't know where this mentality comes from that when a living parent sells a home, the kids are entitled to some of the money. This happened when my SIL sold her Moms house who was still alive. First thing her sister said was "how much do we get".

Ignore him. He acts and does what he ants to do.

You are not a horrible person. I have a very similar situation to yours with a brother of mine and have no plans to have a relationship with him after my mother passes on either. I have been dealing with my parents' issues for over six years. A year ago my dad passed away and so it is just my mother now who is in a nursing home. My brother who lives in the area has visited her maybe three times in the last 3-4 years and he refuses to help me at all. I have had to deal with my parents' health issues and their house all on my own. The only time my brother has had contact with either of my parents was when he wanted something from them. I try to deal with my anger with my brother by not thinking about it but sometimes that anger just seeps through especially when he is trying to manipulate my parents. I am POA and he makes things very difficult for me at times because I feel like I have to be on guard to make sure my mother doesn't get manipulated by him. Both of my parents have/had moderate dementia. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. As POA I run everything I can past my mother. Although she has dementia if I keep it simple she understands so I am basically getting her approval for the things I am doing in her house and my brother really has no say in that. It sounds like maybe your mother can't help you with any decisions anymore so that makes it more difficult. Anyway, I can definitely empathize with you and I wish you the best of luck.

Since you have POA the house and using your mother's assets for her care is your responsibility. My sis was the golden child and I was the "servant" child. I had POA and was executrix. I made the decisions alone even though at one point my sis tried to interfere to save money for her inheritance. That was her sole concern. Your bro is not entitled to any money until your mother passes and only then if he is in her will, which I expect he is. I see you are clear on that. Good.

Meanwhile do what you think is best. I am so sorry you have to put up with this kind of greediness. My sis did nothing to help either. Once the estate was settled I went no contact with her and am satisfied that that was the right decision for me. I am still working on accepting that she is who she is and forgiving her, just to give myself peace of mind.

You are not a horrible person ((((((hugs))))

No, you are not horrible. But I don't want to make you a saint & YB horrible. That's won't help you in the long run.

You have been the workforce. You have seen Mom age.
She has been blessed to have you. Be proud of that.

Often a sibling has not seen or not CHOSEN to see. 'Mom's fine' etc. Then a rude awakening she is not.
YB may be here. At denial & anger. Or maybe YB sees but just reacts differently to you. (Despite having the same Mother, you are separate people afterall).

Families have siblings that differ. Often one sibling has the need to be a caregiver, an organiser, a problem solver for their parent (or other relatives/friends).

Another sibling does not see it as their business. Maybe even as interferring.

Horrible for not helping, not visiting vs horrible for controlling & wanting things done their way.

It can leave deep scars, these end of life fights over love, money & property when each side thinks they are right.

If your relationship is not damaged beyond repair, when calmer, try to leave the right, wrong (& horrible) out & listen to each other's views?

Then take whatever common-sense direction you need. Sell a house to pay for care is usually it. Property is an asset - it is practical to trade it in when no longer needed.

Whether to sink funds & energy into renovations prior to selling or not? You & YB may hold different views on that. Can a real estate agent offer professional advise here? Then reach a compromise?

This whole thing about inheritance is really disgusting and Obnoxious especially when certain siblings never care for the parent .

Your YB sounds like all he wants mom for is the possible inheritance.

Chances are good that she will require all the money she sees from the sale of her home to go towards her care.

TELL YB THAT!!

I think what you are doing, you should continue to do. Ignore helpless Yb and finish clearing the house and de-junking.

As far as doing repairs/remodeling---I wouldn't. Sell the house 'as-is'. MOst new home buyers will buy a home and then make it 'theirs'. I know we did/are doing that with our new-to-us house. We worked a deal with the sellers that they NOT fix a bunch of stuff and we walked out with a $600K house for $515,000. We have kept almost nothing the 'same' and judging by the looks of the place, anything the previous owner would have done to make the house 'more sellable' would have been awful.

YOU are POA. YB is something else. BE the POA and do what you need to do.

Not having him in your life is a good thing. Just do what you're doing and ignore him.

Doesn't he understand how an inheritance works? I mean, really. He thinks mom owes him $$ from the sale of her home? In what world.

You are absolutely NOT a horrible person. Don't think that for one second.