How do I get through the days when all my father does is yell and scream at me?

Bobbie321 is spot on. My mother's behavior improved and confusion decreased after her new Dr took her off all psychotropics. The Dr told me "Those drugs have no place in the lives of the elderly." She is much better without psychotropic drugs and with behavior therapy. Yes, she still yells, pinches, pulls hair, hits & kicks, but now she knows my name. And these behaviors decrease when pain and bowel issues are decreased or resolved. Often she is acting this way out of frustration with her body. If pain is controlled and the bowels are regularly moving, she is much better behaviorally. I urge you to explore whether or not your yeller is in pain of some kind, and if so, explore options for pain control with the Dr, but try to avoid drugs like Darvocet, as these may increase behaviors as well.

Interesting question. I'm going to post my response on your wall.

I would be interested in finding out how many women in prison, had a father that was absent. I'll bet the numbers would be staggering. Thanks to the so called 'womens movement' they have demeaned the need for a male role model so much, that most girls don't even know what a healthy relationship with a father is. After all, why do we need a dad, when the mom is so important right? You sure can't look to Hollywood to see a healthy male role model. All men are either sex addicts, stupid, or henpecked. It's disgraceful.

Secret Sister,

You asked "Why is it that women take such abuse?"

If I might be so bold, I think it has something to do with how women are raised vs how men are raised.

From my own family of origin stuff and much of what I've read here, it sounds like mothers with certain personality types, ( disorders), end up training their children, usually daughters, to take their abuse so they can control them and then later on in life they put up with abuse from others not because they like it but because they are familiar with it.

I've yet to see a book explaining the Borderline father because most of them are dead or in prison. It often is the combination of a borderline mother plus a weak father that trains children, particularly girls, to live with such overt and covert abuse as borderline mothers and narcissistic mothers can dish out. When my wife and I started dating, I could not believe the abuse she and her twin sister put up with from their "mommy dearest mother."

This is one reason so many daughters are walking on eggshells in the midst of some really thick F.O.G. I would be amiss to not include the fact that fathers can be very abusive and delivered either overtly or covertly. I would include too that society seems to expect women to put up with more and to do the caring for the elderly parents more than otherwise.

Ok, this is my sociological analysis for tonight.

That's what we need, Ed - a voice of reason, and a gentleman who recognizes abuse when he sees it. Why is it that women take such abuse? Me, being one who took more than I should have. Our abusers teach us to fear them. It works...until we've had enough, or get some help. Keep coaching, Ed! Thank you!

NAHEATON:

When I said Dutchess of Discipline, I meant Rachel. My apologies for the "senior moment."

-- ED

NAHEATON:

Chloroform? Splendid idea. He needs to be sedated -- or given a regular dose of his own medicine. I'm not suggesting you turn into a Dutchess of Discipline, including a whip. But he needs to be stopped or exiled to some nursing home until he realizes that kind of behavior isn't going to be tolerated anymore.

Rachel dear, stop being a punching bag. He keeps getting away with it because you let him out of sheer guilt. Take charge, and get your self-respect back. After that, everything else is gravy.

Stay sane.

-- ED

so sorry - i have my mom now at 79 with dementia she is doing ok adjusting - was crying alot and shaking - would have to watch americas funniest videos at least 10 x a day to get her mind of whatever was making her sad- also would play elvis presly- now only have to watch it becasue we want to- but if she gets uncontrollable i will put her in home-not fair to my hubby and i know if she knew she was going to be like that she would understand-i told my kids dont put me in a home please unless i am out of control- i would not want to make them miserable and i know my mom doesnt want that either - good luck!

Ditto to Hollyhill's point about not raising my voice to my father when he is upset or agitated. I have to try hard to control myself and keep my voice calm ( or else leave the room for a cooling down period). If I keep my voice calm, that goes a long way toward keeping him calm. Sometimes easier said than done! The other day I forgot and "lost it" and spoke in a loud angry tone to him----Wow, did that ever make it worse! He started to "go nuts." I hope I've learned my lesson now.

So, Rachel, has Monday happened yet? Was the appointment helpful? How are you doing now? I agree with the others that say you mustn't let feelings of guilt make you keep your father in your home. You have other responsibilities too [don't you feel guilty about perhaps neglecting them? - just teasing you :-) ] and probably nobody but YOU can best deal with those responsibilities whereas care workers can look after your dad fulltime and you can go for visits. By looking after your dad you may be doing things to others in your family that you may regret (and feel guilty about) later. I don't want that for you! I hope if medication doesn't help your dad settle down that you will move him out. This won't make you a BAD daughter. Take care.

Rachel, you are doing great!

Rachel, Hi, my name is Holly and I have a dad that is the same way. He doesn't live with me but he would call me 7 or 8 times a day and blame me for his situation. As of December he is now in an Adult Family Home. There is no way I could or would have brought him into our home. I also take care of our granddaughter and the situation with him was making me crazy and sick.
Without going into my story and how long it took me to figure out what worked I will just offer what has worked for me but everyone is different. I don't raise my voice as all that did was make him angry. People tend to mimic your tone. When I reacted calmly and gently in tone, he would tone himself down. I also say to him, I can see that you are having a bad day, I don't need this and either do you, and leave the room. To my surprise it worked. That was for me. It's worth a try.
Personally, to keep your sanity, your health (and marriage), I would look into and Adult Family home. I just put my dad into one in December. He was in a nursing home prior to that for medical care and was not able to return home. As far as paying for it, he private pays until he qualifies for medicaid. Now I have the peace of knowing that he is in a good place and I don't have to feel that everything is on my shoulders as far as shopping for groceries, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
I did a year and a half of that from a distance and it just wore me out. I gained weight, my hair started falling out and because of the stress, I ended up having to have physical therapy to release the stiff muscles I had developed during this.
When he was in the nursing home he was also on Seroquel. I said a pill for my dad was a pill for me. It was used to calm his agitation and also helped him sleep. So, to use that analogy, anything you do to make your dad's life easier, will make your life easier. If he is almost violent, it is time to do something else. You need your life back, you don't have to live his and you don't need to feel guilty about that. I'm sure he lived a good life and you deserve the same.

Good for you, RachelDevin! You are doing a great job!

Thank you all for your advice, love and support. We have an appointment with the neurologist on Monday to have his medications adjusted. Your help and kind words mean the world to me right now. I don't know where I'd be without you.

Know you're not alone, and there's people here who will be praying for you!

very good suggestion!!!

Rachel,
Try this site. I guarantee it will help you find the insights you need to deal with your father.
http://www.elderrage.com/
Jacqueline Marcell has experienced exactly what you are going through now and is also an Expert contributor to AgingCare.

Is he hard of hearing? Does he realize he is yelling? Rachel I remember a day when I was caring for my Grandfather, he was frustrated, he grabbed my arm and he was hurting me. He would have never done that normally and it was surprising to me. I just looked right at him and calmly sad Poppa you are hurting me. He felt terrible and he was upset. I assured him I was okay. In that brief moment he was not himself. I do know that folks with dementia behave irratically. Can you get some respite help. Think about placing Dad to get his medications regulated. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing something that is difficult. You can not take care of Dad if you break down, fall apart and goe to pieces. please take care... J

What I had to do with the husband was once to day I do not deserve to be treated that way and after that just left the room even if I was in the middle of dressing him and when he was in rehab which was often I left the facility keep telling yourself I do not deserve that until you believe I finally decided to place my husband but God took him before the paperwork was done. One thing that did not work was trying to explain anything to him he was bi-polar but did not accept that he was. As others have said maybe it is time to consider other options for him and others gave you very good insights good luck and let us give you the support you need.

Rachel, Is it possible for your Dad to move into a senior facility of some kind so he doesn't have to live with you? That is a lot that you are shouldering. I would check into his medications with his doctor to see about changing or adjusting them, in order to calm him down. If your Dad needs to live with you, then I would look into getting yourself some help around the house. You could call the local hospitals or Commission on Aging for advice/help. Another thing you could try is what someone already suggested here: You could try telling him in a firm voice that you WILL NOT tolerate him speaking to you like that. I did this with my Dad and to my surprise it actually worked. ( I say this whenever he curses at me, because that just feels "over the line" to me.) Right after I say this to him, I leave the room and allow him (and me) to calm down. When I return, he doesn't bring it up. It's worth a try anyway. Good luck!

It is not selfish to take care of yourself and your immediate family. In fact, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help your father. Get some time off; get a caregiver to give you a break!

Most of the behaviours like your dad's can be calmed with the right medications. Check with your doctor. Call your local office on aging if you can't get your doctor's ear.

Good luck! our parents need our care but not our entire life!

What naheaton wrote is very good advice. I read on your profile that this situation has already cut you off from your friends. That is the first step toward a cut off existence which becomes very dark and lonely.

Why is he on Seroquel? That's an antipsychotic given to people with bipolar disorder or to treat schizophrenia. Seroquel is not for use in psychotic conditions related to dementia.

Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

You wrote "so angry, almost violent." Call the doctor who prescribed Seroquel to him and report this problem.

Yell back: Dad! It is NOT ok for you to talk to me that way!

Make sure you're out of reach!

He's angry because at some level he knows he's losing it. I really believe that.
What I did with my mom, who was quite the yeller, screamer and all around yuk is do the 'It's NOT ok for you to talk to me that way.' AND 'call the moment' by saying to her, I know you're pissed, your brain is messing up and you must be scared to death!
That got her attention and I told her that she was safe and sound and that I wasn't going to leave her so she could quit acting like a jackass.
We both cried and we had more moments like that and slowly the yelling behavior was replaced with calming behavior of me telling her that she was safe and sound.

I believe that the yelling, etc is a form of acting out and that not all of that behavior can be placed with the disease. there's people on this site way more qualified than I to speak to a psych issue, but I am speaking to what I have witnessed with my mom who has Dementia.

It's a process and what worked for me and my mom may not work for you and your dad but what the hey, might as well try it. Beats wanting to crawl between the mattress and box spring in the morning and Rachel, I know the feeling.

How long have you been taking care of your Dad?
bless your heart and hang in there, everybody is here for you.

Bobbie

I think when you said in your profile, "it's the right thing to do' I'm wondering why does it have to be your home that is the 'right thing to do'? As long as they are taken care of, and their needs met, I don't why they have to live with you. I also believe that your first obligation is to your husband and children, or in this case grandchild. Don't let 'what I should' and 'what I shouldn't' do, guilt you into killing yourself and your family off. If you were on the outside (like I am) and someone told you that their father was screaming and angry constantly, what would you tell them? What I mean is, put aside the emotions and/or guilt that got you to where you are, and try to look at it more logically. Either that, or maybe medication is what he needs. I'm thinking chloroform at this point. Good luck, sorry if I can't help.