How do I get through the days when all my father does is yell and scream at me?

Secret Sister,

You asked "Why is it that women take such abuse?"

If I might be so bold, I think it has something to do with how women are raised vs how men are raised.

From my own family of origin stuff and much of what I've read here, it sounds like mothers with certain personality types, ( disorders), end up training their children, usually daughters, to take their abuse so they can control them and then later on in life they put up with abuse from others not because they like it but because they are familiar with it.

I've yet to see a book explaining the Borderline father because most of them are dead or in prison. It often is the combination of a borderline mother plus a weak father that trains children, particularly girls, to live with such overt and covert abuse as borderline mothers and narcissistic mothers can dish out. When my wife and I started dating, I could not believe the abuse she and her twin sister put up with from their "mommy dearest mother."

This is one reason so many daughters are walking on eggshells in the midst of some really thick F.O.G. I would be amiss to not include the fact that fathers can be very abusive and delivered either overtly or covertly. I would include too that society seems to expect women to put up with more and to do the caring for the elderly parents more than otherwise.

Ok, this is my sociological analysis for tonight.

I think when you said in your profile, "it's the right thing to do' I'm wondering why does it have to be your home that is the 'right thing to do'? As long as they are taken care of, and their needs met, I don't why they have to live with you. I also believe that your first obligation is to your husband and children, or in this case grandchild. Don't let 'what I should' and 'what I shouldn't' do, guilt you into killing yourself and your family off. If you were on the outside (like I am) and someone told you that their father was screaming and angry constantly, what would you tell them? What I mean is, put aside the emotions and/or guilt that got you to where you are, and try to look at it more logically. Either that, or maybe medication is what he needs. I'm thinking chloroform at this point. Good luck, sorry if I can't help.

Rachel, Is it possible for your Dad to move into a senior facility of some kind so he doesn't have to live with you? That is a lot that you are shouldering. I would check into his medications with his doctor to see about changing or adjusting them, in order to calm him down. If your Dad needs to live with you, then I would look into getting yourself some help around the house. You could call the local hospitals or Commission on Aging for advice/help. Another thing you could try is what someone already suggested here: You could try telling him in a firm voice that you WILL NOT tolerate him speaking to you like that. I did this with my Dad and to my surprise it actually worked. ( I say this whenever he curses at me, because that just feels "over the line" to me.) Right after I say this to him, I leave the room and allow him (and me) to calm down. When I return, he doesn't bring it up. It's worth a try anyway. Good luck!

Rachel,
Try this site. I guarantee it will help you find the insights you need to deal with your father.
http://www.elderrage.com/
Jacqueline Marcell has experienced exactly what you are going through now and is also an Expert contributor to AgingCare.

Rachel, Hi, my name is Holly and I have a dad that is the same way. He doesn't live with me but he would call me 7 or 8 times a day and blame me for his situation. As of December he is now in an Adult Family Home. There is no way I could or would have brought him into our home. I also take care of our granddaughter and the situation with him was making me crazy and sick.
Without going into my story and how long it took me to figure out what worked I will just offer what has worked for me but everyone is different. I don't raise my voice as all that did was make him angry. People tend to mimic your tone. When I reacted calmly and gently in tone, he would tone himself down. I also say to him, I can see that you are having a bad day, I don't need this and either do you, and leave the room. To my surprise it worked. That was for me. It's worth a try.
Personally, to keep your sanity, your health (and marriage), I would look into and Adult Family home. I just put my dad into one in December. He was in a nursing home prior to that for medical care and was not able to return home. As far as paying for it, he private pays until he qualifies for medicaid. Now I have the peace of knowing that he is in a good place and I don't have to feel that everything is on my shoulders as far as shopping for groceries, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
I did a year and a half of that from a distance and it just wore me out. I gained weight, my hair started falling out and because of the stress, I ended up having to have physical therapy to release the stiff muscles I had developed during this.
When he was in the nursing home he was also on Seroquel. I said a pill for my dad was a pill for me. It was used to calm his agitation and also helped him sleep. So, to use that analogy, anything you do to make your dad's life easier, will make your life easier. If he is almost violent, it is time to do something else. You need your life back, you don't have to live his and you don't need to feel guilty about that. I'm sure he lived a good life and you deserve the same.

So, Rachel, has Monday happened yet? Was the appointment helpful? How are you doing now? I agree with the others that say you mustn't let feelings of guilt make you keep your father in your home. You have other responsibilities too [don't you feel guilty about perhaps neglecting them? - just teasing you :-) ] and probably nobody but YOU can best deal with those responsibilities whereas care workers can look after your dad fulltime and you can go for visits. By looking after your dad you may be doing things to others in your family that you may regret (and feel guilty about) later. I don't want that for you! I hope if medication doesn't help your dad settle down that you will move him out. This won't make you a BAD daughter. Take care.

Ditto to Hollyhill's point about not raising my voice to my father when he is upset or agitated. I have to try hard to control myself and keep my voice calm ( or else leave the room for a cooling down period). If I keep my voice calm, that goes a long way toward keeping him calm. Sometimes easier said than done! The other day I forgot and "lost it" and spoke in a loud angry tone to him----Wow, did that ever make it worse! He started to "go nuts." I hope I've learned my lesson now.

NAHEATON:

Chloroform? Splendid idea. He needs to be sedated -- or given a regular dose of his own medicine. I'm not suggesting you turn into a Dutchess of Discipline, including a whip. But he needs to be stopped or exiled to some nursing home until he realizes that kind of behavior isn't going to be tolerated anymore.

Rachel dear, stop being a punching bag. He keeps getting away with it because you let him out of sheer guilt. Take charge, and get your self-respect back. After that, everything else is gravy.

Stay sane.

-- ED

Bobbie321 is spot on. My mother's behavior improved and confusion decreased after her new Dr took her off all psychotropics. The Dr told me "Those drugs have no place in the lives of the elderly." She is much better without psychotropic drugs and with behavior therapy. Yes, she still yells, pinches, pulls hair, hits & kicks, but now she knows my name. And these behaviors decrease when pain and bowel issues are decreased or resolved. Often she is acting this way out of frustration with her body. If pain is controlled and the bowels are regularly moving, she is much better behaviorally. I urge you to explore whether or not your yeller is in pain of some kind, and if so, explore options for pain control with the Dr, but try to avoid drugs like Darvocet, as these may increase behaviors as well.

NAHEATON:

When I said Dutchess of Discipline, I meant Rachel. My apologies for the "senior moment."

-- ED