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I'm caring for an extremely abusive mother, gave up everything for her, now she wants to kick me out. No money to move? I am at a total loss, mix threats, bulling, and heavy drinking with bipolar = hell. I moved home and gave up alot to take care of my mother. 24 hr care, did everything for her. When she was in hospital I had to legally fight my sister to make sure she could come back to her home and stop her from "pulling the plug|" Now that she is back to pretty good health. The threats are starting, EMS had to be called three times because she was drunk and fell. Told them I was abusive and a big drinker. Luckly they believed me. I am in poor health myself and on disbility with upcoming surgeries. I don't have the money or strenght to move and no where to go. She is trying to take my care away. I live in Ontario, Canada and I can't believe that there is abolutly NO support for caregivers anywhere to be found, as in discussion groups, housing and financial support. We are just as abused as if in an abusive marriage only difference is we looked up to and trusted them our whole lives. How hope all you caregivers are really making an effort to be kind to yourselves. I do silly things like if I make her toast I butter mine first. Or say no problem, I'll get to that. and do something for my self first even if its just a cup of tea. If anyone is in the same situation would love to hear how your dealing. Take care

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Please look into counseling for yourself. Go to your doctor and tell him you are in abusive relationship and need help. You need to find someone to help you. You have to decide why you are willing to take the abuse over leaving. Sounds like your sister and family/other people who know your Mom realize how toxic she is and do not deal with her. Call your sister and tell her you need a couch to stay on while you work thru this. Also since your Mom drinks, you might consider Al-Anon - meet some people dealing with the alcoholics in their lives.
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Lizzy -- a lot of us have gotten ourselves "painted into a corner" as Jessiebelle said. Plan the steps for your "exit out." Document if you need to, and start doing this soon. You say you've been caring for her "all your life" and I understand this. I started at about age 6, when her mother died. Something was already wrong with her, but she went over the edge then. Her moods and rages were fueled by alcohol. It took me decades and several counselors to start figuring out that it was her problem and not mine. I still caregive today but do not reside with my mother. You are worn down you poor soul. Please find your exit to at least your own home to have a break. Good luck.
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hatedchild.blogspot

(some great insights in that one in my opinion, & I'm working hard on a reply, & it'll be posted as soon as it's finished)
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BTW, don't tell her that it is her. That will just launch WWIII. :)
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lizzy, people here understand what you're facing. We can get painted into a corner and sometimes it looks like there is no way out. Sometimes the only thing we can do is wait for the paint to dry and walk out. You'll probably figure out something soon, so until then I would just say to hold on and let the abuse roll off of you. Just remind yourself that it is her, not you, that is not acting right.
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Thank you all so much, very helpful information. you compassion and understanding are more helpful than you realize. As far as booze she orders it when im not home, I cant stop it, ive tried. She then hides it. She is so aggressive and threating, I feel like a child again and nowhere to go and no money. I have been caring for her all my life but full time for 2 years living in her house. I am not married and dont have children, my only sibling is in Vancouver and wants nothing to do with her, believe me I understand. Soo its just me. I have looked into all resourse that I could think of including Canadian Mental Health, Housing through the province, co op housing, shared accomodations. Her Dr. of 30 yrs retired and she has a new dr. I don't know and she wont let me meet, which im sure she is telling lies about me too. I have called a help line several times. All they said was to call police if it got worse, and where I live the tables can turn very fast and I could be taken away and the cute little old lady had her home. Panapal, thank you for the offer to be my agent, great idea, but we have separate phone lines so wouldn't work. She gets very angry when I pull back, she doesnt have any friends and family has had it with her so she feel abandoned and when I keep to myself it makes it worse, but so is every moment spent with her. Ive tapped every resourse I can think of, I guess its just a waiting game and hope I don't go crazy in the meantime. Thank you all again. Sorry Im a lost cause. You are all very kind people and are a light in a very dark place thank you. xo
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I had the same issue of the regularly scheduled "get outs". When I had a friend who handles real estate rental got back to me and I left up some rental pages on my computer she rapidly changed her tune.
I talked my friend into leaving messages on the machine about rental options a couple of times and the threats stopped. Purely by accident I found the solution. Maybe it will work for you also. I would be gladly play "Realtor" for you if you want to give it a go.
Pana.
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thats a vulnerable caregivers worst nightmare . our household blew up once a few years ago too . it boiled down to a severe manic attack that my mom had , in fact it hospitalized her . fortunately her brain chemistry began resolving itself in about 90 days , a grandson crammed her into an ALF and she realized her best chance for a comfortable life was back in her home with me . the next 4 years went fine for us . at that time i believe shed been diagnosed with dementia but docs hesitate to share that info with family until its late stage enough to make the revelation to family unavoidable . BP , booze , and possibly dementia isnt going to be an easy ride . as jesse stated , you may have to forget the family aspect and try to approach caregiving as a task and with the same detachment that a hired professional would . you also might ask mom to help you financially to reset yourself up somewhere . she might just be difficult and venting on you but not sincere enough about parting ways to actually put her money where her present guff is .
ive seen mom run my sister off two times in the last 15 yrs . both times it was because sister was overbearing and taking control away from mom in moms own home . dont do more than necessary for your mom . its more about helping when needed than it is a babysitting gig .
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Lizzy, it sounds like you need to put an exit plan together. Many times we caregivers get into a situation where we get locked in because we don't have the resources to get out. This is a terrible position when a parent is abusive. Sometimes I wish we could talk to people before they move and advise against it. But we have to start where we are at the moment.

Does your mother have a diagnosed condition or does just have the normal things of getting old with bpd and alcohol abuse? Is she on any medications? Most of the ones for bpd don't mix so well with alcohol, so I wondered if that may be contributing to her foul moods. I suspect that she has always been difficult and that now you feel stuck.

Since you don't have the means to move at the moment, is there a way you could pull back emotionally from what is going on? We often can change a situation by changing how we feel about them. If you could see your mother as a difficult client, and not the mother who caused you grief, would it make it any easier on you? This could accomplish two things -- your mother would be getting care and you would have time to figure out what you're going to do next. I don't know what that will be, but my first thought would be finding my own place. You're on disability, so I wondered if they have subsidized housing in your area.
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This sounds horrible and your health does not sound good at all which is bad.

How old is your mother?

She has bipolar and drinks? That is a major no, no!

Has she always been verbally abusive?

Has her doctor evaluated her for dementia?

How long have you been your mother's caregiver?

Who is buying her alcohol?
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