My sister is approaching 82, widowed, independent, and refuses to discuss personal details. She has a seriously bad knee and has cancelled her surgery. She lives alone in Alabama. No other family resides there with her. Her memory is going faster than we would like. She lives alone with no friends or social outlets. She paid a deposit for an independent living apartment several months ago but keeps changing her mind about moving. She refuses in home care of any type. It has taken several verbal confrontations by me and her son to get her to finally agree to move to independent living where she is offered more protection and still she balks. She needs to go to the doctor but she refuses. She lies, makes excuses, forgets, etc. And to top it off, as the youngest sister, she doesn't want to listen to me or share any aspects of her life. She thinks I'm being too nosey when I ask about personal affairs. I am her closest relative but in a different state. So how do you convince a seriously stubborn person to get help? I'm at my wits end.
This isn't your responsibility unless you CHOOSE to take it on. And if you do that it is important to understand that no one will thank you, and everyone will remind you endlessly that this is your choice.
If you are truly concerned for your loved one call APS. Let them know at the get-go that you cannot be responsible. And step away.
You are being too nosey. She doesn't want you to make decisions about her life.
Let go. Yes, she may die all alone in her own home. That is her choice.
If her son wants to pursue guardianship, or medical POA, let him. That, too, is not your problem to resolve.
Call her occasionally and just ask her how she's doing. Let her do all the talking. Do not try and badger her or convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. Just listen and talk as sisters. Let her know you care about her before you hang up.
She has dementia. What you've described are signs that she has it. Her brain is broken. Trying to reason with a broken brain is pointless. Accept that you're at your wits' end before you fall off the edge of that end. She's her son's problem now! (Poor guy.)
Free yourself of this need to get through to her and free yourself NOW. She has giving you enough indication of stubborn behavior for you to continue to try. I know you are concerned but you are not responsible for her life. Consider yourself lucky that she doesn't want or insist on your help. DO NOT come to her aid either. You can still have contact, visit and enjoy the superficial conversations. But when you feel that you have the need to give life or medical advice bit your tongue.
It is difficult but if you want any relationship with her that is what is necessary. Best of luck.
This is now in the hands of her son. If he is POA he will have to work with your Sister's doctor to get her help when/if it is required. If not, he will need to contact APS and ask for guidance at the point he believes your sister is unsafe.
Do remember, your sister has been in charge of her own life for an entire lifetime. Asking her to give up all control over that isn't really reasonable. The question now is one of competency and safety. That is for her immediate family, her son, to assess. Whether sister now dies in her own home, or in a nursing home may not be the most important issue here. I understand that family itself would be relieved of worry were sister in placement, but sister herself may spend her last weeks and months in misery, so there is a lot at stake here.
I would step back and let your sister's son handle things. Best of luck to you all.
You won't
You don't.
You wait.
You wait until you get a call from a neighbor, a police officer or the hospital telling you that your sister is in the hospital or has died from an injury or "natural causes".
Unfortunately it is only after a catastrophic accident that a person or sometimes the family realizes that they should have been more proactive.
I do hope that she has your contact information listed as her emergency contact and "next of kin"
If she is not capable of making decisions as to her care are you aware of her wishes? If not this might be a way to get her to talk about things. Tell her that you need to know what her wishes are just incase you do get that phone call. It may not get her to change but it will allow you to make the decisions that she would want.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.....
You could also call the Adult Protective Services(APS) in her country or the local police for a safety check, making sure to mention the memory loss and bad knee to start an official review.
Maybe try to have her son book an appointment and tell her it's just a necessary check on her knee, and reframe that doctor's visit into a full health check. But that works only if she doesn't ignore that appointment, too.
I hope I helped
Next, to have more chance of success in getting her to agree to things, you must stop any sort of "confrontations" with her -- this only gets people with dementia defensive and worked up: their brains are broken and they are losing their ability to use reason and logic, their loss of memory is probably freaking them out, they are inwardly scared and confused, and they are less able to feel empathy for others because dementia is also robbing them of this. She is not "lying", she is covering up the fact that she can't remember. It's the disease talking, so keep reminding yourself of this.
You can attempt to acknowledge her struggles and try telling her that going to the doctor may result in an "easy" treatment so that she can function better at home. If she doesn't want to do the treatment, she doesn't have to. If she agrees to go, you discretely pass a note to the doc or staff telling them who you are, and the cognitive and memory concerns you have for your sister and to please check her for a UTI, which can be treated with antibiotics. If your sister has a UTI, this may improve some of her memory and behavioral issues.
If you are not her PoA (or she doesn't have one at all ) then the only power you have is to either report her to APS as a vulnerable adult or you call 911 and tell them you think she has an undiagnosed UTI and is refusing treatment. Don't tell them anything about dementia since this is not considered a medical emergency and they will tell you to call APS.
If the EMTs are able to get her to the ER, you talk to the discharge planner and let them know she is an "unsafe discharge" and to not release her back home because she refuses care and lives alone. Then you ask to talk to the hospital social worker about whether they can move her directly into a facility. Do not agree to take her home and make sure no other relative, neighbor or friend goes to retrieve her. She is an "unsafe discharge" -- keep repeating that to the discharge planner and social worker. Do not tell them you've been caring for her: she is refusing care, period.
If they want to send her to rehab, this will only work if she's cooperative. And even if she is, this is not the same as a skilled nursing facility so family will need to closely oversee her care, nutrition and hygiene when she's there.
You will need to decide how much orbiting around your sister you are willing to do on an ongoing basis. Other family will need to make this decision for themselves, too. She will continue to decline and require more and more hands-on care, or maybe she has the money to agree to pay for in-home aids.
I wish you success in helping her get appropriate care.