My older sister has Rheumatoid arthritis. She is mobile but refuses to get up. She has a sore on her butt from sitting and I have tried everything I can think of to get her to move more. I care for both her and our mom. My mom gets up more than my sister. I am at my wits end and my husband is tired of the urine smell.
I don't know anything about your sister's personality, and besides we have a client with RA who's been with us for over a year (it's supposed to be up to six weeks, for our service) and who, seriously, has not been moved off her hospital bed in that time...
[I know. Don't start me. When I think of what state her mattress must be in I feel quite faint, but she won't be hoisted and she can't sit-to-stand even with Assistance of 2.]
... so I'm the last person to blame your sister for her possible fear and possible pain. But that isn't the point.
Your sister's condition and level of need has already wrecked your mother and now it's wrecking you and your husband too, and very worst of all it cannot improve in a domestic setting with only family care.
It isn't that you can't cope with her because she's too much work. It's that her living with you isn't helping *anyone*, least of all her.
Respite care is often a good start - it gives the person a chance to see what facilities are really like, rather than listening to horror stories; it gives therapists and professional caregivers the opportunity to get her into a sustainable routine; it gives you a break; it gives you a chance to support your mother while your mother isn't under stress either, which should help both of you.
And you can get the house aired, so your husband will be happy.
Do you know how to go about researching what's available in your area?
I think you are right about the fear of pain, I just wish she would tell her pain management doctor the truth about her pain.
You are all living in unpleasant, unhealthy, depressing and discouraging surroundings, and unfortunately you have to be the source of change, or it will not happen.
You MUST do a personal search for local residential placements so that you yourself know what is available.
Tragically, YOUR WELFARE MUST become more important to YOU than your sister getting “angry”. You are the unwilling captain of a sinking ship.
Do your mother and sister have sources of income? Are they contributing to the financial support of the household? If not, IT’S TIME.
You NEED a professional cleaner BESIDES a team of caregivers, in a regular schedule to remove Sister from her peedestal, clean the area, supervise her personal care, and LITERALLY CLEAN THE AIR.
She's your older sister, but that does not allow her to run the show.
Speak up. I know, hard to do, but essential for the welfare of all of you. Your husband must REALLY love you to put up with this.
TAKE THE FIRST STEP. Yes, someone may get mad, but why haven’t you gotten mad already?
I think my sister would do well in a facility, she was in one before for a pressure sore but she would not leave her room and said they just left her in bed.
I get mad and frustrated at the situation and at times I get mad at my sister but I have never been one to yell or anything I tend to just keep it inside and take a few minutes alone.
My sister got RA in her early 20's she was married but he told her he couldn't handle illness and divorced her. Our little brother lived with/off my sister for years but when she lost her house he was truly nasty to her. Called her names, told her he hated her and when my mom refused to let him move in with her he did the same thing, yelled cursed her out and told her he hated her, he doesn't come around or speak to them and I honestly will not talk to him. I think seeing them both so hurt by him, has made me afraid of hurting them myself. They have been through so much pain already.
Your sister is bringing this on herself because she will not do for herself. I bet she wouldn't be living with you if it wasn't for Mom.
Your mother prevents you from setting boundaries & reaching goals that would help your sister by 1) getting yours sister’s meals when you won’t, for ex., thus enabling/disabling your sister; and 2) exerting her influence over you by preventing what seems like a better path forward for your sister’s care (she doesn’t want her in a facility). You can’t let your mother take care of your sister because it’s too much for her – it’s what brought them to your house to begin with, and you rationalize their behavior because your brother treated them badly. You have a big heart, but you’re enabling them both.
I’d like you to look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say, “I deserve better than this.” Say it a couple of times. Believe it. Your husband and your marriage deserve better than this, too, and to tell the truth, so do your mother & sister.
You also need help to get better care for your sister, especially. I don’t mean more help at home, but someone who can see the overall picture and make a recommendation, including placement in an assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. That could be her doctor, a social worker, and when she turns 65, your town’s elderly services agency. Finances come into play. Medicare takes care of skilled nursing home care for 20 days after a 3-day hospital stay; then a copay for 100 days or Medicaid kicks in. Your mother will object & your sister will cry, but neither of them can recognize the toll this is taking on you.
Unless you take a different tact, you won’t get off this cycle. It will take time, but you all deserve better.
You cannot convince your sister to move around. But you are not a nursing home, and it may be time for your Sister to move now into one. She can first be seen by MD in consult so that it can be ascertained by that professional whether a stint in rehab with OT and PT evaluation and treatment is appropriate, whether there is sufficient pain relief and treatment at present.
If you do not wish to do 24/7 nursing home care Sister may need to move to Board and Care or to Nursing home. Speak with her first, make the MD appointments and let her consult with her doctors, then make arrangements for a move if that is the ultimate decision.
Are you less important than your sister?
Is your mother less important?
What your sister is doing is unhealthy for her, for you and for anyone else in the house.
It is unhealthy mentally and physically.
Are you legally responsible for her? Are you POA? Are you her Guardian?
She needs Assisted Living NOT provided by you or your husband,.
I would give her a "move out" date.
If this upsets mom so be it. Mom can remain with you or mom can move to AL with sister. Those would be her two choices.
STOP catering to your sister.
If she wants to eat she gets up, cleans up and comes to the table.
If she wants a drink, she gets up and gets one.
If she is mobile....If she is not incontinent but is wearing disposable because she does not want to get up then that is a complete disregard for you and your feelings. If she is incontinent that is a different matter.
What a user she is.
Can your sister dress herself? Change her clothes & underwear herself?
If she CAN but won't, this is a form of self-neglect.
RA is painful but depression may be the main/bigger culprit. I would suggest she seek more mental health support & treatment.
64 is very young to be so dependant on others for your daily living. Does she have other health conditions too?
It sounds like you have a very full time care load with your Mother already.
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