My bother, who is 70 years old, lives with my mother and is her primary caregiver. In May 2025, a tree limb fell on the roof of their home causing a leak. Inspectors found asbestos in the old tile of the house. He and my mom moved in with my sister so the reconstruction sounds would not bother my mom. She has gotten progressively worse in the months since. She needs help with going to the restroom, brushing her teeth, bathing, combing her hair, walking, and requires someone to sit with her at all times. Right now, my brother and sister tag team to meet her needs, but he and my mom need to move back to their own home. I know my brother is nervous about being the only one home with her, but I also know that my sister would like her house back to living alone. Like I said earlier, my brother is a procrastinator. He even still has his own house in another city that has been vacant and falling apart for 15 years because he won't get the last of his stuff out of it to sell it. My mother's Social Security is less than $1000 per month, but she has money in savings from being widowed twice and inheritance from her parents so she doesn't qualify for Medicaid. Both of her husband's were veterans so wondering if VA would help with the costs of a caregiver. My brother needs help with her when they go back home so he can do his own daily routines and run errands. We are thinking just 4-6 hours a day, 3-5 days a week would be sufficient. Any suggestions on how to light a fire under my brother would be appreciated.
Your sister is “too nice” to give them an ultimatum and your brother is “nervous and procrastinating” (for 15 years?!?) and they both agree something needs to change but they don’t act on your specific suggestions.
Something will give eventually. One of them will either die or experience an emergency health crisis and someone will be forced to act. If any of the three wind up in the ER and you are consulted, you can tell them “unsafe discharge.”
I hope you can find a way to stop worrying about it so much as you don’t have any control. (I’m in a similar boat as my mom won’t take 99% of my suggestions, and lives alone and is prone to falls. I’ve stopped making suggestions as it doesn’t accomplish anything)
My brother is retired from the IRS and receives a really good pension. He does not need my mother's support. He has always been very frugal with his money and takes care of my mom's money the same way. My mother's parents both lived to be around 100 years and he doesn't want her savings used up too soon.
He procrastinates.
I'm sorry that your sister is now bearing the brunt of this. You sound like a very nice family, wanting to change the situation but not wanting to fight over it.
Unfortunately you can't force someone like your brother to get his act together. Your sister is the one who will have to do it. Do you talk with her privately about the situation? Do you live close enough, or are you able to travel, so that on an appointed date the two of you will pack your mother's things up, drive her (or get a medical transport for her) back to her home, and stay for just a few days while your brother is forced to make some arrangements, with your assistance and supervision, calling agencies and filling out paperwork and setting up payments? Otherwise he's just never going to get it done.
I wish both you and your sister well going forward with this. Let us know how it goes.
My brother is retired from the IRS and receives a substantial pension. He does not need my mother's support.
His plans are to sell his house, pay off mom's reverse mortgage, and remain in that house, especially since it was remodeled.
I do talk to my sister privately about this frequently. We live within 3 miles of each other, but I have no transportation. She is my "chauffeur" a lot of times.
The whole family is close. I have two sisters and the brother. Fighting is not an option.
We can't take my mom home without him. It is his home too.
I am also retired, but disabled so I could not take care of her. My older sister still works part-time and my younger sister babysits her grandchildren frequently.
I will keep trying and bombarding him with the information I gather. Hopefully, he will do something before she falls or something.
If she has plenty of funds, the VA should not be stopping your "procrastinator" of a brother from hiring in home help. Being dysfunctional and "frugal" is more likely a reason for his refusal to act.
Your sister needs to stop being so nice, give him a firm exit date from her home, AND give him a choice to either hire in home help for mother or SHE will exercise her backup POA authority since he's neglecting his. It's rather simple, really. In a misguided effort not to step on any toes, your sister is allowing your brother to take over her home AND abuse the POA
mother entrusted him with.
This is the best way I know of to "light a fire" under someone who's 100% unmotivated to do the right thing by his family. I would be leery of having your brother be caring for mom at all, if this were me.
Best of luck to you.
Mom's father and first husband served in war times (WWII and Korean), but her second husband did not.
I agree with what you said about my sister, but that is just not her. She has unconditional love for all of us and helps however possible. She is an enabler.
My mother is safe anyway.
I will keep plugging away at my brother and bombarding him with information I receive.
My house has asbestos tiles under the siding. They aren't a danger. But if removed, they cost money to have them properly distroyed.
The house has been totally remodeled and has been ready to move back in since before Halloween.
I guess my real question is: How do I convince my brother that he needs help and that it is okay to spend her savings on that help? I don't expect any inheritance.
My family would like to keep my mom at home as long as possible, but keep her safe at the same time.
Again, thank you.
That would be the person who makes the decisions.
Who is handling the mother's finances here?
I can't tell. Sounds to me like this is a case where the necessary documents may not be extant?
If so that is all an issue.
The sad truth is that you are describing a brother in charge who doesn't know what he's doing and a sister who is enabling the problem. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. What is it that you would LIKE to do?????
Your mother has assets. While she does, those assets are there to take care of her. That can be in home care or nursing home care. That is up to whomever is in charge (as in the POA or guardian).
I sure wish you the best, but as to what you can do about all this, I simply don't have a clue.
If your Sister wants out of having them in her home she needs to tell brother that. And he needs to move back home with her. What he does from there is up to him if he is the POA/Guardian. And if not, your family badly needs advice of an elder law attorney.
Others are correct that there may well be VA benefits. Again, that is for the POA to check on. And you cannot make a POA do anything. You can't in fact, make anyone do anything.
My brother is the POA with my sister as backup. He controls her finances.
I would like to convince my brother to seek help and let it drain her assets, if necessary. How do I do that? It may just take a fall or something, God forbid.
I will keep trying and try to convince him to contact the VA on her behalf.
Again, thank you.
My brother is her POA with my sister as backup.
I will keep trying and see if he will contact VA.
I have already been contacting home health agencies and passing on the information to my brother. I talk to him about it everytime I see them.
I guess my real question is: How do I convince him that he needs help?
But many of the VA programs are "means based" so if mom has savings she may not qualify. It is worth checking out though.
Get her last husbands DD214 and talk to either a Veterans Assistance Commission employee and they can help determine if she qualifies. Or you can call the VA and ask.
Contact the local Senior Service Center and see if she may qualify for any programs they may have.
Who, if anyone, is mom's POA? this is the person that can more easily "force" some action that will give your brother respite and keep mom safe.
Honestly if your brother is this resistant to having help there might be a possibility that he would refuse any caregivers. It is not that he is a procrastinator.
Your sister is the one that may hold the key here.
She tells brother that he has to be out by ____________ pick a date.
Now if they have been in her house for a while and if he is getting mail there it may be viewed that this is now their residence as well and if that is the case she may have to legally evict them.
Is mom's house ready to move back into?
Once they are back in the house a call to APS for a well being check might also help with another group of people telling him that he needs help in order to keep mom safe.
Do you still really think you can get him to do anything? "Light a fire under him"? You keep wanting him to be someone he never was and is never going to be. Should he be the one managing your Mom? No. Wake up to this reality.
"...someone to sit with her at all times"
Why? Does she wander? Does she start calling their names? Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, why not?
I'm asking a lot of questions but context will help responders to make the most useful suggestions to you.
Is anyone the PoA for your Mom? If so, is it your brother? If so, it is apparent he is an incompetent PoA and is NOT going to improve with family pressure and nagging.
You have a choice: someone else in the family makes the effort and pays the money to become your Mom's legal guardian through the courts. OR, you put them both back in the tree-wrecked home and report your Mom to APS as a vulnerable adult and they will eventually act to remove her to a facility for her own good.
I'm not sure how much of her future financial and medical management can happen without someone having actual legal authority. If your brother is PoA and still has the document, I would ask to review it to see if an alternate was named.
Another strategy is to call 911 and tell the responders that your Mom is not herself and may have an untreated UTI. At the ER you tell the discharge planner that she is an "unsafe discharge" who is being neglected by her mentally ill son and that no one else in the family is willing or able to care for her. FYI they do not diagnose dementia is the ER or hospital, and they don't consider it "life threatening" and this is why you ask to get her checked for a UTI.
Whether or not she gets diagnosed with a UTI, you then ask to talk to the hospital social worker to discuss discharging her directly into a facility. You may not like this solution, but it's still a solution. Going forward there isn't going to be any savory solution to her care needs, especially with no money.
If it turns out she is a candidate for LTC, then she may qualify for Medicaid to cover her medical portion and her SS will cover her custodial (room & board). My MIL was in a lovely faith-based facility on Medicaid for 7 years before she passed.
Nothing is going to improve until you accept the fact that your brother is NOT the solution.
Yes, my brother is her POA with my sister as backup.
My sister is too kind-hearted to ever evict them fom her home even though the house has been ready since before Halloween.
My mother does not qualify for Medicaid. She has too much in savings. She also doesn't qualify for Texas Attendant Services for the same reason.
I guess my real question is: How can I get my brother and sister to admit they need outside help? I bring it up every time I see them and they agree, but he won't do anything. I have even called home care agencies and give him the information to follow up on.
APS is not required because my mother is safe. My family does not want in a long-term facility. We want to keep her home as long as possible.
I will contact the VA to see if they can help.
Thank you again.