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She just sold her home 3 months ago and gained $40,000. Now all her grandchildren are asking for funds and she has given away $7,000 so far. I am her POA and tell her she cannot just give all her money away in the event she needs senior living facilities. There are six of us and I was never close to her like the others yet she decided she wanted to buy a home in my community and at the last minute changes her mind and says she can't live alone and wants to live with me. It's been 4 months and she is a full-time negative, needy, ungrateful person. Refuses to make friends and goes to the hairdresser every week. She's been through 3 hairdressers. NOTHING is EVER good enough. I can't do it any longer. Dr. appointments several times a week. She wants to keep her money rather than spend it on living in assisted living.

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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Betty, who is 87 years old, living in my home with arthritis, cancer, depression, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems."

And you also wrote that she's draining you financially.

She is going to keep giving away her money unless something changes. At her age with her maladies, she could go downhill fast. What do you have to do for her now? Sounds like she is beyond any sort of independent living.

As she needs more and more care, she may need to be in a facility. What is her income/month? Is the $40K (well, now $33K after the gifts to grandchildren) her only asset?

What could happen is that she worsens and you will not be able to be her caregiver. And then she won't qualify for Medicaid because there is a 5-year lookback period (in all states but CA, I believe), and there will be a penalty for the money she is gifting to people. And then YOU will be stuck with her.

Please please do what others have advised. You can change course now. Don't sacrifice your life for this woman. But you have to be proactive. I'm sure your siblings love that the burden is all on you.
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I agree with Alva to give her a deadline. For your own benefit, I would research senior communities with a continuum of care (from AL to LTC to MC to hospice) whether your mom likes it or not (and you don't have to tell her you're doing this). You will need to find out: 1) what is your mom's full financial condition; 2) the prices of the nearest, best facilities. It may turn out that, based on the prices of the facilities she may not have as much money for her future care as she (or you) think. That would lead to the Medicaid discussion, but that's for later if necessary.

Your mom is making an assumption when she says she wants to keep her money rather than spend it on AL. What did she save her money for? Is she paying you rent, food, utilities...? If not, she should be for now (and keep record of it). But you didn't agree to be her permanent caregiver so this is the main discussion.

Regardless of her prickly personality, she needs reassurance because most people like her are secretly terrified of aging/dying. Assure her you will help her find a great place that fits her budget. Tell her you'll help her every step of the way (this is for YOUR benefit, to expedite her exit). Tell her you understand it's a huge change but that you are not willing to be her permanent caregiver.

Although not as bad as yours, my mom is similar in personality. But when I took a different tone with her, more sympathetic, softer and not combative (no matter how she responded to me) we were able to have a productive conversation that is ongoing.

In the end, no matter how she responds I would keep moving forward in figuring out her finances and finding places she can move to. Wishing you great patience and success!
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AlvaDeer Oct 18, 2019
And it doesn't say here that Mom even needs assisted living. She may thrive in a nice Senior complex where most folks are living for much less than ALF would cost, and with assistance could do this for some years perhaps. But anything is an option. Staying here, I sure agree, is not.
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I agree with Alva.

I would tell Mom that its not working. She needs to move out. You will help her get a nice affordable place. You may want to look into that place now and hand her the info when u tell her she needs a place of her own. There are Senior facilities that charge rent on scale. There are low income 55 and up. Some places may offer transportation. Check ur County Office Of Aging for transportation and other resources. Just because ur retired doesn't mean you are at her beck and call.

Dr. Visits...I would check these out. Does she really need to go as often or at all. Is she to the point her PCP can take over and if he feels she needs to go back will send her. I found you get in a rut, see u in 3 months and nothing really changes. I would go over her meds with her PCP, too. Does she need Cholesterol meds at this point in her life? Stuff like that.

40K would only keep Mom in an AL for maybe 8 months at 5k a month. Independent living would be cheaper and she would get meals and transportation included in the cost. Using the 40k to pay what her SS doesn't.

She needs to stop giving money away if Medicaid is in her future.
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Give her a set amount of time in which she must move out. Tell her that you are sorry, but you don't wish to live with anyone at this point. Assist her in looking for low income housing in her area. Since she will not listen to you regarding money and gifting I would, quite honestly, tell her that you do not wish to serve as her POA any more, and suggest she hire a fiduciary. Find a Lawyer; it is a simple letter to document your resignation as her POA.
Sorry. Not everyone is deserving of our care. Your mother may live for many decades more. As difficult as she is to deal with now, I can assure you it is unlikely she will improve over time.
You have a right to a life. You are responsible for some poor decisions here in allowing her to move in. But it is not too late. Wishing you good luck. I hope you will update us when she is settled in her own place.
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