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Hi all...thanks in advance for reading. I am 50 years old, and live in a different state from my mom. She raised me and my brother after her divorce from my dad when we were very little. He was involved with us on weekends, and school holidays. It's sad to say, but I have very few fond memories of my mother. She constantly lived in chaos, all she did was yell, and cry (always about money)..."health concerns" (which were never major), and seek attention from whoever would give it to her (sad). I can remember always consoling her. Don't cry mommy...like I was the mother. She had several failed marriages, and boyfriends after my father, but of course, it was always "their" fault. Anyway, fast forward. She's still the same way. I dread calling her. Every conversation revolves around her health problems, and if she doesn't have one, she'll make one and "TEST" to see who will be there for her. I flew up to see her 5 times in the past 2 years to help her through her medical issues. She's happy in the moment, but reverts back to "my own kids don't care" a month later. I have a severely disabled teenage daughter that I care for. I have help, but not overnight, or for the entire day. She rarely even asks about her, but seems aggravated by the fact that my daughter consumes so much of my time. She's never ONCE offered any support, or sent a little thoughtful gift, and actually asks when I am going to place my daughter in a home. I am so resentful.


Then, she gets so angry at my brother, who works full time and has his own family to take care of. She is actually holding a grudge on him because he didn't sit at the hospital visiting her for hours and hours a day. He did what he could, after work, to visit but she was so miserable and nasty, that he was counting the minutes to leave. All she does is complain about us over and over like a broken record. It's all about her, and her problems, it's always been that way. I guess I'm burned out. I try to give her emotional support by calling 4 times a week, flying to visit her, send her money, pay her phone bill, aside from sitting bedside vigil, and making her feel a priority, she's never satisfied. I called her yesterday, and she started. I finally said..."mom, I didn't call to hear complaints...", and she hung up on me.


Then, the guilt pours in. I don't think I was out of line. What about my sanity? I'm supposed to WANT to call and take care of my mother, but I don't WANT to and I feel terrible about it. It's an obligation, and not a joy.

You do realize that your mom is mentally ill, yes?

Have you ever sought support, or therapy, or counseling to repair some of the damage and learn how to deal with maintaining boundaries with this toxic individual?

Your mother will not change. The only person whose behavior you have any control over is your own.

When you call, if she starts being nasty say " sorry, mom, I'll call when you're feeling better and HANG UP. Let her calls go to voicemail. Call once a week.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Your mom is a narsasist, you will never be able to dance fast enough to please her. You see this and you want her to change, she never will. You have to set boundaries and stick to them because a narsisistic person will devour you to please themselves and you matter not one iota.

You are not responsible for taking care of your mom, period. She has you convinced from a very young age that if you earn her love, you will then be good enough. The real biotch about that, you will never earn something she doesn't have to give you. You have a daughter that needs you and a mother that could care less about either of you. Stop playing into her games, it will be very hard, 50 years of dancing to her tune. Start now and accept that she will never love you like you deserve, she will never appreciate what you do for her, she will never get what she is missing because she is ALL that matters in her world. Always has and always will be this way.

She has made her choices and lived her life according to herself, time to start dealing with the consequences.

Great big hugs, I have the same kind of mother, by the grace of God I figured out young that I would never please her and why torment myself fighting a loosing battle. You can do this. You are not responsible for your mom. You are responsible for you and your family.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Reread your post, Elena77. What you have written shows a daughter who is desperate to please her mother and keep the peace. The more you do for your mom, the more she wants. So you do even more. Although your daughter needs you, you will constantly drop everything to run to Mom, who appears to be oblivious to her granddaughter’s very existence. And she does nothing but complain about you, but yet you continue to mollify her.

Call no more than twice a week. When she manufactures a health emergency, offer to make a doctor’s appointment for her or call 911 and no more. Why are you sending her money and paying her phone bill? She has no income? If you access a website called Low Income Relief, she can get a free phone. If she collects Social Security, she will have to learn to live within her means without handouts from you.

You are, quite frankly, doing this to yourself. If Mom needs taking care of, hire an aide local to her. You can’t be two places at once and your daughter needs you. You can’t force your mother to stop acting like a spoiled child. But you can remove yourself from the situation.
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SparkyY Apr 24, 2019
I keep coming back to this post because I can't find elena77? I'm not being flippant (but I am probably getting close to a manic thing lol) please accept my apologies now if I've offended I've gone a little bit over the edge lately and I've been pouring over posts practically memorizing some. I really like your bend on things by the way. So please put me out of my misery. Who is elena77?
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You are calling her far too frequently. What possibly can be new in her life when you're talking every other day? Refocus on your daughter, your own life, and maintaining a relationship with your brother. Your mother is a complainer and that's not going to change. When she starts complaining, end the conversation.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Short answer, your mom is either selfish or not capable of being a caring mom. Everything is a one way street, her way or the highway. Don’t fall for it! Your daughter is blessed that she has a loving mom like you. My MIL used to say, “Most people learn what to do from their mom. I learned what NOT to do from mine.” Sounds like you are the same as my dear MIL. I miss her. She died many years ago but her wisdom remains wit me.

Hugs!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Pulling right back to the beginning, you didn't ask to be here, and your mother made your childhood and growing up period difficult and unpleasant - her behaviour irrespective of any external factors was her choice and it has determined how you feel. The old saying of "you made your bed now you lie in it" comes to mind - There will be those saying you should respect and want to care for your mom, she is the only one you have, you should be a dutiful daughter. To them all I have to say you haven't stood in my shoes since I was a child and I actually don't want to do this and I don't have to. I haven't worked all my life to retire to wait on someone who ruined one end of my life and now I am expected to allow to ruin the other. To be blunt she has had her life and lived it how she chose, you are not responsible for where she is now in life and you should not feel guilty no matter what you decide to do. Your mother wants you and others running around making her the centre of a small her based world - please don't do it. Visit once a week, fortnight, month whatever you are comfortable with - or even not at all if you find it too stressful or upsetting, and take no notice of what others who have not been in your shoes have to say - it is remarkably patronising of people to tell you you should be being what they think you should be, or that you love your mum and want to care for her - some of us don't and we have to accept that and make the best choice if called on to make one which doesn't negatively affect us, and we have a right to do that.
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cherokeegrrl54 Apr 25, 2019
Very wise words!!
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What your Mom is doing is called entitlement. You don't need that. Go see a therapist for the scars she's left you with and stop calling her. Her entitlement knows no bounds and that's why she makes you feel guilty. Parents can be really good travel agents for guilt trips. When she does try to call you, block her. She owes you an apology. You and your brother need to stand up for yourselves to a very selfish, very mean woman who needs to learn personal accountability. Good luck.
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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It might be useful to stage an imaginary illness yourself, and one that involves losing your phone. Word up your brother, and stay out of communication for six weeks. Is your mother any worse off? Is she any different afterwards? Don't be guilty about trying it, it's a valid experiment. She is unlikely to suffer dreadfully for that length of time, there really is no risk to her. It could be real anyway - carers do genuinely get sick and out of action. You can learn a lot about her and about yourself. It may be a lot easier to work on some of the previous advice posts after the experiment.
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Sparky Elena77 was the Original Poster's original name. Shortly after her first post, she deleted her account which caused her to become "anonymous".
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SparkyY Apr 24, 2019
Thank you! I was starting to COPD all over the place lol.
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If your 50 Moms in her late 70s? Unless she has a debilitating desease, she can care for herself. There are services out their for Seniors. Help with utilities. Food stamps and food closets. Her local Office of Aging can tell her what is available.

I think I would cut down on my calls. May be once a week. Why call if all you here is the same thing. When she asks you why ur not calling tell her. Same old, same old. Tell her ur tired of the abuse she hands out. No matter what you and brother do, its not enough. Tell her you both have families. Tell her its not easy taking care of a special needs child. She takes up your day. Your energies need to go to her. Mom has to do for herself and take advantage of services in her area. You will no longer be able to "jump" when she calls.

I read one time, a child will go to the parent who abuses them. Why, because they keep trying to get there love. Their are people that don't know how to love.
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