She is 88 years old and lives alone. My sister and I have been taking care of her basic needs but things are becoming labor intensive. I found an Assisted Living facility near me only 15 minutes away but she refuses to go.
So you are speaking with your Mother. I wonder if you are speaking HONESTLY in that I wonder if you are telling her that YOU and SISTER cannot go on in this manner. Often people approach it as "What's best for YOU, Mom. That isn't really honest, because Mom thinks she knows what's best for her and thinks she has it all wrapped up with you and Sis helping; she is hoping to beat this thing by "going" before she has to go into care. My partner is 83; I am 81. I can identify with her EXCEPT that I have no daughter living near me and I thank heaven for that--and my partner's girls are both in no condition physically to be of help (that is to say more off their feet than WE are). So we KNOW we must make "plans". And we do not WANT our kids responsible for our lives (or deathes) when they are in their last quality years, kids raised, able to enjoy some freedom from work, etc.
You will need to be honest. You will need to tell Mom that you cannot go on. That she needs to be safe so you can ALL relax. My brother in ALF said "You know; this is like when I was young and in the Army; I didn't much like it but I make the best of it". You are going to have to tell Mom she is going to have to make the best of it.
By this I mean you are going to have to tell Mom that this is the year you all three get this move done. And if she refuses to consider this you will withdraw your care. That she is on her own. You will provide her the number of a good Elder Law Attorney, a good Fiduciary to handle bills and accounts, and you will provide her some numbers to call such as "Visiting Angels" etc for shopping, cleaning, cooking, appointment.
I understand how tough and anxiety provoking this time is. Approach it with hard honesty. Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker with Sis who does private practice to work on a path forward. Be honest with your Mother. Tell her that you CANNOT and you WILL NOT go on with this.
Good luck. Please update us. Your journey will help others.
In your profile, you wrote that your mom has Alzheimer’s disease, along with several other serious health problems. The Alz means that she very likely cannot make informed decisions for herself anymore. The part of her brain that is responsible for logic and reason is broken and is unavailable to her.
”Letting her fail until she figures it out” simply will not work for a person with Alzheimer’s disease. She will NEVER figure it out, because she CAN’T.
You said you and your sister are her POAs. Is the financial POA in effect already, or do you have to get doctors to write that your mom is no longer competent to make her own decisions?
if you need the doctor sign-offs, then get going on those. Have Mom evaluated by a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist, and ask for referral to a neuropsychologist to have her cognitive function thoroughly tested.
if the financial POA is already active, then now is the time to use it. If you and your sister are unable to arrange to move mom to Assisted Living (by taking her there for a “temporary” stay that then becomes permanent, for example), then you may need to petition for guardianship so that you can make all decisions for your mom from now on.
My sister and I had to move my mom’s things into her new AL apartment while she visited a friend for a few days. Then, when I went to pick Mom up, I drove her to her new place, where Sis and other family and friends were there to welcome her to her new home.
it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
My mom is still angry at me about it, two years later, but she goes on and on with everyone else, telling them how much she loves living there with the friends she has made.
i wish my mom could have made the decision to go into AL for herself, and I wish she wasn’t angry at me, but she is safe and has friends, gets her meds and her meals on time, and I can breathe again.
I wish you great courage and creativity. This is HARD.
I had a talk with my aunt who is still in rehab after knee surgery. She's in a rush to go home and sit in her house by herself. She basically laid down the law with me and told me that SHE will decide IF she needs a caregiver. and IF she needs a caregiver there, they will ONLY come two days a week for light housekeeping only. I basically knew she was out of her mind and being delusional. I told her well, you know I cannot move down to where you are to take care of you, and I cannot visit with you and stay with you for a week or more to care for you, as I work, and live far. She just pretty much whatever at me, and told me I was out of her will and for other reasons than that. I haven't spoken to her since. I agree with the others to pull back. If they want to be that delusional to think they're independent, and can do for themselves, and make decisions for themselves, let them. I'm not going to let her or anyone else run my life.
In my case, I visited several on my own when she broke her back and started showing memory issues. Once I narrowed it down to two, we would go to open house events and just have lunch a couple of times. I still couldn't get her to go, even though there was one that she liked best. It took her breaking her hip and physically seeing that she couldn't be by herself before I got her in one. Even then it was a struggle, she just couldn't accept that it wasn't just the physical limitations but her memory issues as well. She's been there three months and has now settled in nicely. It's an active community and I think that makes a difference.
Has she ever seen an assisted living place? Does she know there are birthday parties, outings, entertainments, transportation? Find an inviting one, check it out, and have them give her the grand tour. Maybe lunch. I do not know why any elder would prefer to sit home and vegetate while declining when they could have some fun in their last years.
You take her, admit her, see she is sort of settled in, let the aids get her settled, you walk out. The memory care I put my husband in told me to stay away for 3 weeks. Then come to visit. I did this. Not a problem, He asked me where I was, but didn't know we had been separated. You can't let a demented person call the shots, they don't know any better. Don't tell her you are putting her in a home. Period. Just do it, "she's getting a check up" you leave and let the home take care of her settling in. Period. I did this with my husband, Believe me, demented persons don't know what is happening. Just get it done, leave, let the facility finish settling in, Amen. Don't baby the patient. Don't feel sorry for them. They lived their life, but can't finish it by themselves. Let the NH handle it. Stay away for a few weeks. Best wishes.
You are two more daughters among many other daughters and daughter in laws stuck in servitude . If your mother has dementia she may never agree to leave her home . Mine didn’t . Maybe a social worker can talk her into it , maybe not.
Call your County Agency for Aging . That’s how I got my mother out of her house. They said to stop helping my mother so much . They sent a social worker out to the house , the social worker interviewed my mother and determined she was not safe to be alone. The social worker gave my mother various scenarios and asked my mother what she would do. My mother either could not come up with a plan or finally said she would figure it out . The social worker said mother needed 24/7 supervision . At least in my mothers case they had the power to remove her from her home . Maybe other states are different . I had an AL picked out already . Do not move in with your mother or let her move in with you .
The social worker was scheduled to return to my mothers house in 2 weeks with a strong person to remove mom . However , one of my stupid sisters told my aunt . My aunt called my mother and told her that her children were dumping her in a nursing home . My mother went off the deep end saying she had chest pain . EMS took her to the ER . She was admitted for observation . I asked to speak with the social worker there . I told her the situation . She called and spoke with the social worker who had come to the house . My mother left the hospital a few days later and went directly to the AL , luckily her room was available early .
If mom has a documented diagnosis of dementia then she may be unable to make the decision to remain in her home. If it is not safe the person that is POA makes that decision as to her living arrangements. If no one is POA then someone may have to petition for Guardianship. Mom probably figures she is doing well and does not have to move. Stop doing for her what you are doing. Your sister should also stop. this may get her to realize that she does need help. Unfortunately in some cases it takes a catastrophic event for things to be put into motion to make a change like this. If mom falls, or is otherwise taken to the hospital you and or your sister need to make it VERY clear that mom is not safe at home and she can not be discharged back to her home, you also need to make it clear that neither of you can safely care for her at this point. With the diagnosis of dementia if the AL is not a locked facility then Memory Care would be a better and safer option.
Oh, to answer the base question ... you will never get her to agree to move into AL. The person with POA is the one that makes that decision.
Her mother doesn’t have dementia, there’s no mention of it in her post. I understand a number of folks here have parents or spouses w dementia but it doesn’t automatically apply to all seniors. There was also no mention of falls or other issues other than the op and her sister needing to have more free time of their own so they don’t have to check in or help her w basics. A caregiver for a window of time x times a week would allow the mother to remain at home at this point
My brother and I hooked up with a senior advisor who knows the facilities and helped us choose 4 ALF to view. Somehow my brother got my mom to come and see the 2 we had chosen. The first didn't seem as good and was a horrible drive but the sales staff was genius. She engaged my mom and by the end got mom to agree to a weeklong visit. The 2nd place, the staff was not so savvy, I pulled her aside to tell her to schmooze mom. Then we went out front and mom met the patio ladies who all oozed praise for the place. Mom wanted to hang out with them. So we signed her up for a short term respite stay that she never came home from.
You will need to be honest. You will need to tell Mom that you cannot go on. That she needs to be safe so you can ALL relax. My brother in ALF said "You know; this is like when I was young and in the Army; I didn't much like it but I make the best of it". You are going to have to tell Mom she is going to have to make the best of it.
By this I mean you are going to have to tell Mom that this is the year you all three get this move done. And if she refuses to consider this you will withdraw your care. That she is on her own. You will provide her the number of a good Elder Law Attorney, a good Fiduciary to handle bills and accounts, and you will provide her some numbers to call such as "Visiting Angels" etc for shopping, cleaning, cooking, appointment.
I understand how tough and anxiety provoking this time is. Approach it with hard honesty. Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker with Sis who does private practice to work on a path forward. Be honest with your Mother. Tell her that you CANNOT and you WILL NOT go on with this.
Good luck. Please update us. Your journey will help others.
If she doesn't tell her that you can no longer meet her demands and she can hire a caretaker to come in and take care of her.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Good Luck!
”Letting her fail until she figures it out” simply will not work for a person with Alzheimer’s disease. She will NEVER figure it out, because she CAN’T.
You said you and your sister are her POAs. Is the financial POA in effect already, or do you have to get doctors to write that your mom is no longer competent to make her own decisions?
if you need the doctor sign-offs, then get going on those. Have Mom evaluated by a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist, and ask for referral to a neuropsychologist to have her cognitive function thoroughly tested.
if the financial POA is already active, then now is the time to use it. If you and your sister are unable to arrange to move mom to Assisted Living (by taking her there for a “temporary” stay that then becomes permanent, for example), then you may need to petition for guardianship so that you can make all decisions for your mom from now on.
My sister and I had to move my mom’s things into her new AL apartment while she visited a friend for a few days. Then, when I went to pick Mom up, I drove her to her new place, where Sis and other family and friends were there to welcome her to her new home.
it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
My mom is still angry at me about it, two years later, but she goes on and on with everyone else, telling them how much she loves living there with the friends she has made.
i wish my mom could have made the decision to go into AL for herself, and I wish she wasn’t angry at me, but she is safe and has friends, gets her meds and her meals on time, and I can breathe again.
I wish you great courage and creativity. This is HARD.
Move completed and subject installed. Bravo!
I agree with the others to pull back. If they want to be that delusional to think they're independent, and can do for themselves, and make decisions for themselves, let them. I'm not going to let her or anyone else run my life.
Call your County Agency for Aging . That’s how I got my mother out of her house. They said to stop helping my mother so much . They sent a social worker out to the house , the social worker interviewed my mother and determined she was not safe to be alone. The social worker gave my mother various scenarios and asked my mother what she would do. My mother either could not come up with a plan or finally said she would figure it out .
The social worker said mother needed 24/7 supervision . At least in my mothers case they had the power to remove her from her home . Maybe other states are different . I had an AL picked out already . Do not move in with your mother or let her move in with you .
The social worker was scheduled to return to my mothers house in 2 weeks with a strong person to remove mom . However , one of my stupid sisters told my aunt . My aunt called my mother and told her that her children were dumping her in a nursing home . My mother went off the deep end saying she had chest pain . EMS took her to the ER . She was admitted for observation . I asked to speak with the social worker there . I told her the situation . She called and spoke with the social worker who had come to the house . My mother left the hospital a few days later and went directly to the AL , luckily her room was available early .
Tough Love is still Love ❤️
If it is not safe the person that is POA makes that decision as to her living arrangements.
If no one is POA then someone may have to petition for Guardianship.
Mom probably figures she is doing well and does not have to move.
Stop doing for her what you are doing. Your sister should also stop. this may get her to realize that she does need help.
Unfortunately in some cases it takes a catastrophic event for things to be put into motion to make a change like this.
If mom falls, or is otherwise taken to the hospital you and or your sister need to make it VERY clear that mom is not safe at home and she can not be discharged back to her home, you also need to make it clear that neither of you can safely care for her at this point.
With the diagnosis of dementia if the AL is not a locked facility then Memory Care would be a better and safer option.
Oh, to answer the base question ... you will never get her to agree to move into AL. The person with POA is the one that makes that decision.
See All Answers