I accidentally marked with a star when I meant to hit reply and it won’t let me remove it.
If she’s embarrassed this may just make it worse. Imagine how you would feel if you had any accident’ and the whole house knew about it? We often forget to imagine it from the other side. Emotion isn’t always logical. I’ve been on both sides of this, as a caregiver & as an adult who has struggled with incontinence issues at times. Labels or staying in the room will just make her more embarrassed if this is the case and will feel like belittlement. There’s also the possibility she may not know. Before you dismiss this- a friend’s in laws continually threw HER BABY’S disposable diapers into the laundry. Not everyone older has experience with them and she and I were honestly surprised her in laws didn’t know they weren’t washable.
Here Are Your Options: 1) Your best bet is to buy the diaper genie, there are styles that work with regular garbage bags but they don’t work as well as the genie does at hiding smells - so you’ll have to empty it more often if you go this route. 2) If you can’t afford a genie, buy a garbage can with a lid/foot pedal (limits smell/prevents mess!) and keep it next to the hamper for clothes. If you are worried about dementia, add labels w/ pictures (BUT labels would be BAD if embarrassment is the cause). Different colors or styles can help instead of labels. For example, clothes hamper next to a blue garbage can w/foot pedal lid 3) specialized underwear that is made to hold accidents. These are basically the adult version of cloth diapers we use for babies and have become more popular w/environmental concerns. Adding 3/4 cup pine sol to laundry will disinfect And sanitize clothes. (Remember not to use bleach at the same time).
good luck. I’ll repost this on the main thread too.
We bought my dad a diaper genie at Walmart. Ask your mom to hide the diaper in the Diaper Genie. They cost about 35 bucks, well worth the purchase. Now, no smell either She might like stuffing the diaper in there too. Also, tell her soiling a diaper does not upset you, she must be ashamed and afraid. Reassure her you are not angry, but you want her to use the diaper genie. Show her how it works. Oh buy extra bags too.
I expect you've already done this, but just in case: make sure she has everything she needs for disposal in the right place. Where are you expecting her to put the used depends, and are the bins strategically positioned where she usually changes?
I have a portable commode next to mom bed. This is also behind her door. There is a laundry basket. Her Depends, baby wipes, hand sanitizer, garbage bags, disposable chucks, etc are in a hang up shoe rack behind her door. Mom can stand, pivot and sit on her commode. All paper products go in her garbage can where I can grab the bag and toss. She puts all her laundry in the basket. I have let her know that Im the end of the independent road. Nursing home is after me and I am no spring chicken. If she can't work with me to be at home then maybe she should be in a home because I can't allow her to over work me to where I need to be in one. We work this out good together but it was work.
It sounds like you have good communication but I would warn the person asking the question to be careful in this sort of discussion. MANY aging parents hear the words “nursing home” as a threat- and often rightly so. There are zero nursing homes in the United States without history of major complaints including injury or death. I’ve worked in several and seen the treatment patients receive - sanctioned/typical treatment, not abuse. Unless the individual is mostly independent, w/come & go privileges and verbal/articulate (rare in a nursing home), patients are treated like things to be dealt with. Burdens that are unwanted by families.
Imagine an abused child being told it’s me or the street- good luck there!” As an adult, it becomes: deal with it here or it’s the nursing home. AND at the nursing home it becomes: deal with It here or die because nobody else will help you.
Obvs most workers wouldn’t say it like that, but it IS said and otherwise implied in dozens of other ways. “Well if you don’t like waiting to get off the commode go back to your daughter’s” (knowing that patient is literally in pain after waiting for 40 minutes uncomfortably, w/excessive waiting eventually causing hemmoroids, constipation, & other problems AND that their daughter is the one who they lived with before- they have nowhere else to go). The longest wait I saw was 2 hours, when I took care of someone else’s patient. I’ve also seen borderline rape & abuse multiple times in diff facilities (obvs reported but it went nowhere) - you would be surprised how much DOESNT leave a mark and how many marks are easily dismissed- ‘oh she fell’ (anyplace w/vulnerable ppl attracts predators to their employ)
Life is hard for those with no choices, and we may forget to be compassionate in our words and roles as caregivers at times. I’m not in any way accusing the writer of this comment of any of these things- ONLY warning the readers/Qauthor of how it MAY sound to their Mom’s ear. Personally when taking care of others, including my Mom I strive to never use the words assisted living or nursing home, or ever imply/remind them of their lack of choices.
(PART of this used in reply to another comment) If she’s embarrassed adding labels or going in with her may just make it worse. Kids hide accidents to avoid parents negative reactions. Be as positive and non judgmental as possible and at all times to encourage her to be honest & forthcoming.
Imagine how you would feel if you had an ‘accident’ and the whole household knew about it? We often forget to imagine it from the other side. Emotion isn’t always logical. Even if she knows she *can/should* not hide it, embarrassment may make her act illogically. **I’ve been on both sides of this, as a caregiver & as an adult who has struggled with incontinence issues at times.** Labels or staying in the room will just make her more embarrassed-if this is the case doing so will feel further belittling.
Here Are Your Options: 1) Your best bet is to buy the diaper genie, there are styles that work with regular garbage bags but they don’t work as well as the genie does at hiding smells - so you’ll have to empty it more often if you go this route. 2) If you can’t afford a genie, buy a garbage can with a lid/foot pedal (limits smell/prevents mess!) and keep it next to the hamper for clothes. If you are worried about dementia, add labels w/ pictures (BUT labels would be BAD if embarrassment is the cause). Different colors or styles can help instead of labels. For example, clothes hamper next to a blue garbage can w/foot pedal lid 3) specialized underwear that is made to hold accidents. These are basically the adult version of cloth diapers we use for babies and have become more popular w/environmental concerns. Adding 3/4 cup pine sol to laundry will disinfect And sanitize clothes. (Remember not to use bleach at the same time).
Lastly, there is also the possibility she may not know. Before you dismiss this- a friend’s in laws continually threw HER BABY’S disposable diapers into the laundry. Not everyone older has experience with them and she and I were honestly surprised her in laws didn’t know they weren’t washable.
Good luck. Remember to stay positive. You’re asking her to trust you not to think less of her after having it ingrained from childhood as something ‘only babies do’. It may take some time. Just imagine - If you work in an office, imagine the person nearest you crapped their pants and you knew about it. How would you feel about them? And if you knew they did it regularly? Most people would have a slight aversion to interacting w/that individual-as an emotional/instinctive/subconscious response. Some might unconsciously not want to shake hands or sit in the same chair after they did. In the USA at least, poop and pee are ‘dirty’ not ‘natural’ and being embarrassed would be a completely typical reaction for an adult- at ANY age.
What a sensitive, thoughtful reply! Thank you for just being you and taking the time to type up such a caring loving answer. Candace ( oliviaphelps1@yahoo.com)
Yes, it is likely dementia causing this. The whole toilet training thing swings back in from infancy, and the hiding of accidents starts. Have seen this in an acquaintance who has alcoholic encephalopathy. This would be hard to deal with without knowing the set up. Does she live with you, have her own room and her own hamper? If so, emptying several times a day might help. I can't think of much else because no amount of reminders will work. You can try for two bins, one marked with drawing of an adult incontinent pant (picture) and one with clothing. Might work. Might not. For the person I know it was hiding it in the drawers, so you may be so far ahead of the game.
Luz would do that to me. I learned to just live with it and to search the bed and house on a daily basis. for us it became a game. I found them almost everywhere.
Is she hiding soiled/wet clothes and bedding or just the incontinence underwear amongst her clothes? My mom hides her soiled bedding and clothes rather than just put them in the laundry and sometimes things get wrapped up in the hidden laundry but not on purpose. She has one of those small metal garbage cans with a self closing lid in the bathroom for her used underwear and I get her the small lemon scented bags from Walmart to go inside so she can just tie it up when she wants to get rid of what’s in there. So far this has worked pretty well but she’s all about throwing out her soiled underwear and is able to use the bathroom on her own so this may not work for you. Some of it depends on whether your mom is hiding stuff because she’s embarrassed or for the activity of hiding stuff, is she hiding other things as well?
When you find it and ask her about it - do you get the impression she does not remember (dementia issue) or she is embarrassed or even that she thought she put in laundry for washing. That should tell you why she hides it or puts the depends with the dirty clothes.
It's also possible that she considers the depends the same as underwear and she thinks she is putting it in the correct place - the dirty clothes - to get it washed. You might try telling her you'd like to keep 'panties' and other clothes separate and have a separate can next to the laundry bin - mark the trash as panties or underwear.
Probably dementia related if she has been diagnosed, or starting to show signs. After my 92 year old mom had a few accidents, I took away all cloth underwear and put depends in drawer. I have to ask every day if she needs new underwear. She tears out the thick padding and throws it in trash when it gets dirty. She thinks its a pad. I have to fight with her to get her to change them and throw out the ripped up pair and put on new. She uses bathroom by herself, but i check on her every time. The depends dont hold anything without that padding... I act like a nurse, all business, very discreet,
If she’s embarrassed this may just make it worse. Imagine how you would feel if you had any accident’ and the whole house knew about it? We often forget to imagine it from the other side. Emotion isn’t always logical. I’ve been on both sides of this, as a caregiver & as an adult who has struggled with incontinence issues at times. Labels or staying in the room will just make her more embarrassed if this is the case and will feel like belittlement. There’s also the possibility she may not know. Before you dismiss this- a friend’s in laws continually threw HER BABY’S disposable diapers into the laundry. Not everyone older has experience with them and she and I were honestly surprised her in laws didn’t know they weren’t washable.
Here Are Your Options:
1) Your best bet is to buy the diaper genie, there are styles that work with regular garbage bags but they don’t work as well as the genie does at hiding smells - so you’ll have to empty it more often if you go this route.
2) If you can’t afford a genie, buy a garbage can with a lid/foot pedal (limits smell/prevents mess!) and keep it next to the hamper for clothes. If you are worried about dementia, add labels w/ pictures (BUT labels would be BAD if embarrassment is the cause). Different colors or styles can help instead of labels. For example, clothes hamper next to a blue garbage can w/foot pedal lid
3) specialized underwear that is made to hold accidents. These are basically the adult version of cloth diapers we use for babies and have become more popular w/environmental concerns. Adding 3/4 cup pine sol to laundry will disinfect And sanitize clothes. (Remember not to use bleach at the same time).
good luck. I’ll repost this on the main thread too.
Imagine an abused child being told it’s me or the street- good luck there!” As an adult, it becomes: deal with it here or it’s the nursing home. AND at the nursing home it becomes: deal with It here or die because nobody else will help you.
Obvs most workers wouldn’t say it like that, but it IS said and otherwise implied in dozens of other ways. “Well if you don’t like waiting to get off the commode go back to your daughter’s” (knowing that patient is literally in pain after waiting for 40 minutes uncomfortably, w/excessive waiting eventually causing hemmoroids, constipation, & other problems AND that their daughter is the one who they lived with before- they have nowhere else to go). The longest wait I saw was 2 hours, when I took care of someone else’s patient. I’ve also seen borderline rape & abuse multiple times in diff facilities (obvs reported but it went nowhere) - you would be surprised how much DOESNT leave a mark and how many marks are easily dismissed- ‘oh she fell’ (anyplace w/vulnerable ppl attracts predators to their employ)
Life is hard for those with no choices, and we may forget to be compassionate in our words and roles as caregivers at times. I’m not in any way accusing the writer of this comment of any of these things- ONLY warning the readers/Qauthor of how it MAY sound to their Mom’s ear. Personally when taking care of others, including my Mom I strive to never use the words assisted living or nursing home, or ever imply/remind them of their lack of choices.
Imagine how you would feel if you had an ‘accident’ and the whole household knew about it? We often forget to imagine it from the other side. Emotion isn’t always logical. Even if she knows she *can/should* not hide it, embarrassment may make her act illogically. **I’ve been on both sides of this, as a caregiver & as an adult who has struggled with incontinence issues at times.**
Labels or staying in the room will just make her more embarrassed-if this is the case doing so will feel further belittling.
Here Are Your Options:
1) Your best bet is to buy the diaper genie, there are styles that work with regular garbage bags but they don’t work as well as the genie does at hiding smells - so you’ll have to empty it more often if you go this route.
2) If you can’t afford a genie, buy a garbage can with a lid/foot pedal (limits smell/prevents mess!) and keep it next to the hamper for clothes. If you are worried about dementia, add labels w/ pictures (BUT labels would be BAD if embarrassment is the cause). Different colors or styles can help instead of labels. For example, clothes hamper next to a blue garbage can w/foot pedal lid
3) specialized underwear that is made to hold accidents. These are basically the adult version of cloth diapers we use for babies and have become more popular w/environmental concerns. Adding 3/4 cup pine sol to laundry will disinfect And sanitize clothes. (Remember not to use bleach at the same time).
Lastly, there is also the possibility she may not know. Before you dismiss this- a friend’s in laws continually threw HER BABY’S disposable diapers into the laundry. Not everyone older has experience with them and she and I were honestly surprised her in laws didn’t know they weren’t washable.
Good luck. Remember to stay positive.
You’re asking her to trust you not to think less of her after having it ingrained from childhood as something ‘only babies do’. It may take some time.
Just imagine - If you work in an office, imagine the person nearest you crapped their pants and you knew about it. How would you feel about them? And if you knew they did it regularly? Most people would have a slight aversion to interacting w/that individual-as an emotional/instinctive/subconscious response. Some might unconsciously not want to shake hands or sit in the same chair after they did. In the USA at least, poop and pee are ‘dirty’ not ‘natural’ and being embarrassed would be a completely typical reaction for an adult- at ANY age.
I found them almost everywhere.
It's also possible that she considers the depends the same as underwear and she thinks she is putting it in the correct place - the dirty clothes - to get it washed. You might try telling her you'd like to keep 'panties' and other clothes separate and have a separate can next to the laundry bin - mark the trash as panties or underwear.
I act like a nurse, all business, very discreet,
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