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Mom clinically depressed for 20 years. Lives alone in same house for 60 years. I am 20 hrs away in another state. She says she will move but then gets depressed and too sick to move. She’s a hoarder and never cleans. Thd house is disgusting. She won’t let anyone come in except my brother. My brother goes up once a month. My other brother farther than me. I’m sick over it. She can not live with me. Not an option. I cared for my dad with dementia in my home for 3 years. She could live a good life in a nice apartment here. She just says I’ll move when I’m better. What can I do. Talking to her is the most depressing and heart wrenching thing. She won’t get help. I write down how long she is depressed. Right now 15 weeks. Not going anywhere . Not getting dressed. I’m going up to see her in a few weeks. It’s been 4 years because walking in that house is going to be s nightmare. I know I will just want to pull her out. But she won’t go.

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It is heart wrenching. Especially since I am surrounded by people who think I need to get my mom out.go up and get her and make her move. How do I do that ? Yes I wish I could get it cleaned for her. Yes I wish I could do if for her. My brother who sees her once a month tells me I’m taking a risk going into the house. I am going up there in 2 weeks to see her. I have to. I have not seen her in 4 years. It’s my mom. I just need a professional to help me at this point.
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Your mother is in a long established pattern that isn’t likely to change, and any change will have to come from her. As much as you want her life and home to be better, it’s beyond what you can do to make it so. That’s sad for you I’m sure. Consider reporting her unsafe living situation to Adult Protective Services. Please don’t make yourself ill over what you cannot fix. Accepting what we cannot change helps us all
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"She won’t get help".

Suggest she get help.
Take her to her Doctor (or telehealth together) if possible.

She will need to change her mind in order to save herself & make changes.

So hard. Not much you actually can do.
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Carolina18 Oct 8, 2023
I offered to take her to doctor. Talk with Doctor. I even found a traveling social worker who made 1 visit to my moms home. My mom refused any more visits.
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Hoarding is a mental disorder, therefore you will not be able to reason with her so please save your energy and don't attempt to convince her. Instead, consult with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. This therapist can give you strategies to talk to her and engage with her in more peaceful and productive ways. Hoarding is very common in the elderly: sometimes it is a feature of cognitive decline, sometimes it is set off by a trauma. Either way you need to stop interacting with her as a person she isn't. She is what she is and it won't change: you're the one that needs to change.

You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her. You did yeoman's work taking care of your Dad. Your Mom may be a different story so please have tempered expectations.

FYI I would not set foot in that house. See if she'll come out the door to talk to you. This is called a boundary and you should defend it.
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Carolina18 Oct 8, 2023
My brother has warned me. He says I’m taking a risk. I just have to do it. It’s so hard because I remember when she was ok. My brothers don’t. I just feel I need to see her.
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Have you called Adult Protective Services(APS)to report a vulnerable adult living in filth? They will come out and do an assessment on her and her house and try to get her some help.
Your mom needs way more help than you could ever provide, with her depression and hoarding(which often go hand in hand)so try to involve as many as local agencies as possible like Senior Services and Area Agency on Aging. But I would start with APS.
Best wishes on getting your mom on the road to a better life.
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Carolina18 Oct 8, 2023
My mom knows if she let anybody in they would report it. So she lets no one in. We tried having someone come in and she refused. I have not tried adult protective services. I’m hovering over that button
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There is really nothing you can do about this. You can report her to authorities, but they will likely not be able to control this behavior either, and if the place is judged safe by police and fire and APS there is little you can do. I am glad you will not be taking her one. Let the State seek guardianship when and if it is needed.
I suggest to you Liz Scheier's excellent memoir called Never Simple, about her attempts to care for and rescue her mentally challenged Mom over many decades along with the city and state of New York, all to no avail. Not everything can be fixed. This is a tragedy and horrific to witness. I am so very sorry. I wish I had answers. But for mental illness there honestly are very few answers out there in our society.
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