My father doesn't drive. I bring him to his house when he wants. He has very poor eyesight, very hard of hearing, poor balance but pretty healthy. I was expecting him to get tired of taking care of his house and paying bills for it. I've known for about 2 years he was adamantly against selling his house. I have no problems with him living with me. We have a good relationship, but he is very stubborn about some things. For the most part there's no issues, until now.
His house just had a major catastrophe. A hidden water leak that he had no clue about. Most people would have figured it out which to me means he isn't able to take care of it anymore. So I've been boxing up 60 years of stuff, everything in his house and putting it in an on-site storage container so the remediators could tear out everything that got wet and some mold too. The kitchen bath and hallwat are all demolished. I told him he would have to sell it once it was all restored. Especially before some other disaster happened. And it became a huge argument. I said I could not do all this work and take care of him. Everything I've tried saying to convince him hasn't worked. I've said I can't take care of him, his house and my own house. I tried using tough love, saying if he wouldn't agree to sell his house he'd have to go to assisted living because I couldn't take care of both him and his house. It was quite hard to say that to him. To be honest he's hardly no work at all. But after this catastrophe I don't want to go thru all this work again. He has not been making any updates to it for awhile.
Now his oil heating boiler has failed. And now I'm arranging for a new boiler system and that took some convincing. I brought him an offer to sell as is. But for some reason that only motivated him to have his house fixed up and gave the ok for the new boiler. But he's not going to be going back to his house to live nor is his stuff going back in. I don't get it. At 1 point I also tried telling him I wasn't being paid for this and I wasn't going to help him with his house-fixing arrangements unless he agreed to sell it after. He just refuses. It turns into a big argument. I just don't want the responsibility of worrying what's going to happen if I don't watch out for it. I don't like being mean. But should I just let his house go to disrepair. It would be hard to watch.
So, I could carry out my threats but I wished there was a better way. I should mention I do have power of attorney for financial decisions. I could sell it myself. He would never get over that kind of betrayal. I'd hate to end our relationship that way. Why is he hanging on to it? I do have 3 siblings but for some reason they're able to ignore all this. They won't help other than insist to me he has to sell and ask why he hasn't. Out of sight out of mind. Any ideas?
I'd say to do it this way if the list doesn't work. 97 yrs old? Very unlikely to change his mind. My dad was this generation (silent generation, depression childhood) and he and his brother would not give up the family property (bought in 1940s). They let the property fall into disrepair, refused to spend money on anything, and essentially became slumlords. They would not let it go, but they also would not take care of it properly and did the absolute bare minimum when forced to. I definitely think it is generational.
Another idea, perhaps say that one of your cousins is moving into it so that it can "stay in the family" and maybe then he will let it go mentally and you can quietly sell it. If he asks, said cousins are very private people and don't want visitors, but maybe you can drive by?
My dad was for moving, and my siblings and I decided it was time to move our parents closer to family and begin their much needed care.
But my mom would declare, "I will die in this house!"--the house she and my dad had lived in for 40 years.
But her memory loss was evident, so she would ask, "Why do we have to move again?" Then without talking, we would show her the list of reasons--about 10--that she could not argue, without saying a word to her. No discussion, just show the list.
Each time she'd ask or bring it up or say no, we'd show her the list.
Perhaps that is an option, or something similar, to cut down on the arguments between you and your father?
My guess is that you both are on repeat, saying the same things to one another.
This reminds me of something I read in a parenting book long ago when my elementary school age daughter kept leaving her bed in the middle of the night and would ask to sleep with my husband and me. I tried to tell her "No, go back to bed" but it would end up turning into a long conversation between us, with explanations, etc. and no one getting any sleep.
But the tip in the book suggested, without saying a word, to get up and walk my daughter back to her bed. So that each time she tried it, she learned that I was simply going to walk her back to her bed in silence. After about 2 or 3 nights of this, it worked. I couldn't believe it.
Perhaps a version of this method might work for your dad--that if he discusses it with you, he'll know what you're going to say--that his house will be sold--so there's no use in talking about anymore, and he can refer to a list of reasons why it's in his best interest to do so..
My dad was for moving, and my siblings and I decided it was time to move our parents closer to family and begin much their needed care.
But my mom would declare, "I will die in this house!"--the house she and my dad had lived in for 40 years.
But her memory loss was evident, so she would ask, "Why do we have to move again?" Then without talking, we would show her the list of reasons--about 10--that she could not argue, without saying a word to her. No discussion, just show the list.
Each time she'd ask or bring it up or say no, we'd show her the list.
Perhaps that is an option, or something similar, to cut down on the arguments between you and your father?
My guess is that you both are on repeat, saying the same things to one another.
This reminds me of something I read in a parenting book long ago when my elementary school age daughter kept leaving her bed in the middle of the night and would ask to sleep with my husband and me. I tried to tell her "No, go back to bed" but it would end up turning into a long conversation between us, with explanations, etc. and no one getting any sleep.
But the tip in the book suggested, without saying a word, to get up and walk my daughter back to her bed. So that each time she tried it, she learned that I was simply going to walk her back to her bed in silence. After about 2 or 3 nights of this, it worked. I couldn't believe it.
Perhaps a version of this method might work for your dad--that if he discusses it with you, he'll know what you're going to say--that his house will be sold--so there's no use in talking about anymore, and he can refer to a list of reasons why it's in his best interest to do so..
My advice is to wait a little while before approaching him with the subject of selling the house. More than likely he has gone into major control mode to deal with this latest crisis. Anything you suggest right now will turn into an argument. Hold off for a little while and then calmly approach the subject again. You may have to do this a few times. Patience and timing is everything with older people and ultimately will pay off in the long run.
maybe it’s a control thing ?
it needs to go tho - I’d move him back into his house and say you’ll visit
but cut that due. So that it forces the issue- tell him he’s fixing up the house so obviously wants to live there
you are struggling financially so he either lives there or he sells up so he contributes to your house and his care
tell him how much you need from him fur him to continue living with you
i don’t think selling without his consent is the answer tho -I don’t think he’ll forgive you - he’s got to make that decision
You are his POA, but if you cannot act on it it is a worthless piece of paper, and if he isn't demented, it is his right to say no.
If he is living with you at this point, what sort of a legal arrangement is in place for shared living costs, because if there were such a thing, you would have records kept and you would be hiring out these problems with HIS money.
Is your father paying fully for all these repairs?
Basically he is 97. This is in one sense self-limiting.
Are you the executor to do the sale and etc. of this house? You are doing all the work; when this is over are the siblings still getting as his beneficiaries the full portion division of property, because that isn't fair either.
You don't want to upset your father, but to be honest, someone has to level with him. If not, you are in for this continued abuse until his demise. If you do it all, everyone will let you.
It's important to let us know what legally is in place for you to address these issues. If not, then you and Dad need to see an attorney, and if he is living with you with no understanding of how all this will work and who will pay, then the cart was put before the horse and it will not be a good trip to try to get it straightened out.
At this appointment ask for the HIPAA form for Medical Representative and write in your name and have him sign it. This gives his doctor the ability to legally discuss your Father's private medical information without further consent from your Father, and without him having to be present. If he is deemed cognitively impaired, make sure you privately ask the doctor for a letter on clinic letterhead stating that he is sufficiently impaired to need the management of his PoA. I needed such a letter when I was managing my Mom's annuities.
If your PoA does not include real estate transactions, you may need to convince your Dad to create a new, durable PoA that includes this authority.
Unreasonable stubborness is a symptom of dementia. Please don't waste your energy on trying to convince him to sell the house. Just discretely go about reading the PoA, doing what is necessary to activate it, and then start talking to realtors. He does not need to know. If he asks to go to the house give him a "therapeutic fib" that he will accept ("a watermain broke and the road is blocked off until they fix it", etc).
Also, I'm not sure I would tell your sibling what you are doing either, unless they are in total agreement to sell the house and help pack it up.
Does he have a social life? It's great that you and he get along well but may this is partly because he's bored and needs to be engaged with something. Look into a daytime adult center that will give him some other activities and socialization to distract him from his fixation on the house.
You're very kindhearted and caring. But you need to protect your time, energy, and health from unrealistic demands and expectations.