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4 years ago my Dad had a 911 event that made it clear it was not safe for him to no longer live by himself in his home as it was 2 story and all the bedrooms and showers were upstairs. He was stressed and didn't know how he would manage considering my mom was already in a board and care facility and he probably would need to sell his home in order to afford it. My wife and I offered for him to live with us until we could figure something out.


Since he was weak after his 911 event, he asked me to open his mail and let him know what were the outstanding bills and he would pay them. It was the first time I had a glimpse of my parents financial situation. I was under the impression that money was tight, but on the contrary their income stream was more than enough to cover care for both of them and they could be together. My mom passed away in 2017, but due to her incredible pension, my Dad still gets my mom's outstanding health & dental benefits and 50% of her pension. He himself gets an above average SS check as well as a small monthly private pension.


I am emotionally burned out and I feel duped letting him into our home 4 years ago when he has plenty of resources to go live his life. There is too much baggage from my childhood and teenage years to deal with him. We were told by social services that since he is a fall risk we cannot leave him alone for days if we want to get away to reenergize. It is stressful for my marriage as my wife is the only one working and I have been unemployed since 2017 after my mom passed away. We are running a monthly negative and I am burning thru my savings I had set aside for retirement.


Early 2018, I presented him with a schedule to get him to look at Assisted Living Facilities both locally and out of state where my sister and her kids live. He said he would need to sell the house to feel more comfortable financially to do this. (From 2015 thru 2017 he lived in our home for free. In early 2018 I started asking him to contribute but it is like pulling teeth to get him to and we usually end up in arguments.)
It took me 9 months to physically clean out his house (hoarders) but we recently sold his home. Needless to say he is still here and hasn't even looked at any of the brochures we had given him.

You've sold his house. You've got the brochures. Visit the shortlisted places, ideally with your Dad. Make your selection. Begin the admissions process. If he argues and says he wants to stay with you, tell him you're leaving the country.

But if you wait for his permission to start this, or to do any of the actual work, you'll be dead long before he leaves your home.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 10, 2019
Very, very true CM.

Dad knows he’s got a great deal!
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I’d like to offer the opinion that you’ve been spinning your wheels on this long enough. You’ve taken on an incredible amount of responsibility and your thanks is going broke. I’m sure your wife doesn’t appreciate being the sole breadwinner so her FIL can live in his self- created hotel.

Set a a time limit for yourself and your father. In six month’s time (or sooner if you can), a new living arrangement for him will be in place, papers signed and all. .His things will be packed and labeled. The door will not be hitting him in the behind on his way out. If he is deliberately “forgetting” to look at the brochures, you will tell him you are choosing for him, then do so. Then, take your life back.
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anonymous898674 Apr 10, 2019
Thank you for your support! I think I am going to need legal help on getting him out. I gave him a schedule early 2018 which was supposed to have him out of the house last summer, yet here we are. Proper authorities will need to physically remove him from my home ( I do not want to be accused of physical abuse). Also, the assisted care facility will want a deposit and I am not going to pay that as I've been drawing down my savings long enough. I have zero POA over him. It is frustrating trying to manage someone who doesn't want to be managed. I don't even have any authority over him or his finances, I regret feeling sympathy for him without truly knowing all the facts. Now all I ever feel is resentment toward him and feel imprisoned.
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Sorry. I’m not as sympathetic as some of the others. I am basing this reply on the inconsistencies in both your question and accompanying explanation.

POA? Power of attorney is a tool to assist the mentally incapacitated. If you are looking into Assisted Living, you believe your dad has capacity.

First and foremost, he is your dad. Without him, you would not be alive— childhood with baggage, or not. Never forget that. It’s very important to every aspect of your life.

Are you blaming him of incorrectly representing his situation as one of financial irresponsibility while at the same time you also write that, at least partly due to your own unemployment, you and your wife are not currently living within your means and are spending your retirement money early?

Baggage from your teenage years? Were those years a breeze for your parents? Based on what you write, I’m guessing that you were a handful.

Duped because he didn’t feel completely financially secure for his future? Isn’t that the way we all feel? Your explanation describes your parents as financially responsible with secure retirement planning.

I’m guessing your dad took care of you (physically and financially) for more than the 4 years you have taken care of him. During some of that time you needed to be carried. For a short while at least, you too were a fall risk. You may have (like him) even had a “911” emergency —or possibly two? Did he charge you rent? Did he put you out? During your childhood, he also could not have left you alone while he “reenergized” on a getaway. If he and your mother went away, he would have also needed to plan for your care. Did he (and your mother) clean up after you for a period longer than 9 months?

Since your dad has the money, he could have paid to have his home professionally emptied when he sold it. Who forced you to take on that task? Who forced you to invite him into your home?

Why don’t you try honesty? From your own words...“Dad, this is not working out for me—your living in the house is harming my marriage. I don’t feel I can reenergize with you around. I haven’t gotten a job since mom died and your presence has made me feel emotionally burned out. As a result of all this, we are spending more than we are making.” You could add, “We are losing rent that we could be earning by renting out the room you are staying in.”

Your dad probably has no idea you feel this way. He probably will be blindsided when you share your true feelings with him.

Since you have no patience or tolerance for him, he will probably Live his best life in a more positive environment.
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SFdaughter Apr 14, 2019
Way to slap a man when he's down. Are you new to this? You know nothing about his relationship with his father, nothing about what occurred in his childhood and adolescence, but you're somehow absolutely positive that he's disrespecting a thoroughly wonderful man just because he and his wife can't live within their means on one salary, instead of two, with an extra person who can pay for his living expenses but refuses to do so. He's not being a selfish, irresponsible brat. He's being a grown-up. I commend you if you can take care of an aging parent with minimal income, and if you find care-taking an easy, joyous experience. I wonder why you're using this forum....
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I do apologise. The full force of this story has only just sunk in.

Your father had his wife admitted to a care home because he could not manage her needs at home (fair enough); and then moved in with you so that you could care for him..?

I should be ready to put on your Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid outfit. If he mounts any serious resistance to a fair, reasonable, sustainable plan he will have the nerve of the devil.

By the way though, he wouldn't be the first to be terrified of running out of money even though he's sitting on pots of the stuff. Money isn't only about the numbers, there's the emotional and psychological side to it, too.
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anonymous898674 Apr 11, 2019
Thank you for your insight! I hadn't thought about the emotional and psychological side of money. I guess everyone has their "number" in mind which gives them some peace of mind and it is not for me to say what that number is. Since I've tried putting together a schedule last year for him to move into a facility and he ignored the schedule altogether, perhaps I need to consider what is a reasonable plan including monthly $ contributions that could make our living situation less stressful. Of course then it comes back to the arguments when I ask him to contribute, it is like pulling teeth. I still would like to know what is involved legally in removing him or gaining conservatorship so that I can place him in a local facility where he can socialize with people his age. He is 90. As his health and functions continue to decline, his care needs will go up. Though his body is slowing down, his mind is sharp and stubborn as a mule :D
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Legally, you would have to evict him. But, come on, he is your dad. Assisted living is really not that expensive once you consider all the inclusions. The rent covers apartment, food, care and nursing costs.

Get in the car, drive to the most liked assisted living facilities and start forcing him to take tours. Just put your foot down and explain why. Such as you are not getting any financial assistance for him living there, which is wrong, and that he could receive better care in a facility. If he refuses, ask for some monthly rent. On the tours, he will find out the costs and might want to just pay you a smaller fee instead. You could also ask him to pay for a home health aid to come in so you are not so burdened. But, assisted living will have someone 24/7 to help him.

Good luck
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Shane1124 Apr 12, 2019
Perfect answer.
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Maybe you can "kill two birds with one stone", so to speak. Plan a vacation with your wife and since the doctors have said he can not be left alone in order for him to stay in your house while you are gone he will either need to hire caregivers or go to one of the AL facilities in the area for a "respite" stay. Perhaps if you choose the facility carefully he will find he likes it there. Maybe you could even help that along by not making life at your house quite as cushy shall we say? Meer his minimum requirements of course but maybe you don't serve his favorite meals, you have your wife's family favorites that include things that he isn't wild about. You don't get around to stocking up on his favorite snacks so they run out, maybe you start buying a new brand of TP...you get the picture and the changes start a few weeks maybe a month before the vacation so he's got a real taste of the new situation. Maybe your wife's brother could move in for an unspecified amount of time even and maybe something could change at work meaning your family income is decreasing so you need dad to start contributing and paying rent. That way you aren't just up and changing the arrangement there is a new circumstance requiring it. You could even use the opportunity to suggest getting other things in line, just in case maybe suggest going to an attorney who specializes in elder care who can help you figure out the best set up for your dad to start contributing, rent vs a little money here or there, contract vs none, that sort of thing as well as POA/MPOA/DPOA in case it's needed or the feasibility of AL for instance. If dad is afraid he will run out of money or afraid moving to AL means the end (your mom passed in a facility right?) spending time with an attorney who is giving him the unemotional valid reasons for doing some of these things might help him move out of this comfortable holding pattern with nothing to argue with you about...
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 12, 2019
I like it!
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Don’t feel guilty at all about going forward with moving him out to assisted living facility. As he gets older if he continues to live with you and declines further especially cognitively it may be much more difficult. If he needs to apply for Medicaid in future he will not be eligible if he is living in your home with all of his resources still coming in. Let him start using those resources to support himself.
Your responsibility is to your wife and kids not to blow your retirement and able working years supporting aging parents. It is selfish of parents demand we do this for them. It is expected to help out and guide them yes if needed, but to the detriment of our own futures no. My own mother-in-law lived with us for 4 years and was a constant strain on our marriage. She was able bodied but thought it was her sons “duty” to support her. I was supportive at first but in hind sight was a huge mistake from beginning. Changes the dynamic of the house; everything.
Finally my husband gave her deadline to move out and she found low cost senior housing apartment in few weeks time! She was mad at first but now she loves having her privacy and has worked out well.
Your dad needs more assistance, but there are “residential care homes” in some states that would be great for him. My Mom lived in 1 of these until she needed a higher level of care later as her Alzheimer’s progressed past the point of assisted living.
Definitely have him start using his own resources to support himself whether that be rent or a day worker so you can get some respite. Have a contract made up and notarize it since as he spends down his income he will need to document if needs Medicaid in future. Remember there is a 5 year lookback and he will not be eligible until he has under $2000 in assets. Any other income streams must be spent down or set up in special trusts: many other ideas but may need to have him meet with elder care attorney. Either way it has to be taken care of before you whittle away your own security.
Wish you the best on your journey! It is not an easy task and you are a loving son doing your best in a difficult time. My Mom would have never wanted to be a burden to us when she was younger and in her clear mind, but as they age they are not as rational. Many are happier once they settle in at AL since they have others to befriend at same stage in life. They are just scared of the unknown at first. I visited often when first moved Mom in and in beginning was tough. After couple months was much easier though. There were still bad and good days but was happy to have my house back: no incontinence pads to deal with and accidents on couch, could watch programs on tv without constant griping, no special meals to cook, and not having to jump up to assist every time she had to use the bathroom. It changes you over time and wears you down. Anyway I will stop rambling but there are many options and wishing you the best as you go forward!!
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I would talk with your Dad and tell him that he will be going to a ace to live and ask him if he wants an input as to where it will be.

Let him know that you will get a few brochures and take him to tour the two he likes best.

Give him 1 week and if he doesn't choose a place. You choose and then make an appointment to tour the place and tell your Father of the Appointment and let him know that he can come with you or not but you will be deciding if he chooses to not go.

Then, sign him up and take him there.

You can't end up ruining your life because of his selfishness.
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worriedinCali Apr 14, 2019
You must have overlooked one important fact-she doesn’t have the authority to sign him up. If it was that easy, she would have done it already.
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Give him a bill for back payment of rent in writing.
You will need a paper trail if he is to he evicted for non-payment of rent.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 11, 2019
Sendhelp

l like it!
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Years ago, I would get constant calls from my dad who was in the hospital for various things. He complained about how dire the situation was for him and that he wanted us to come see him. We decided we couldn't afford to fly to be near him. He was several states away. My dad kept saying he was really bad off and my siblings said similar things. (They were in other states.) We ended up borrowing a lot of money in order to fly where he was. It took us quite a few years to pay the borrowed money back. Calls to the hospital made us think everything was okay. But my dad was insistent about what a horrible place it was and how poorly he was doing. When we arrived at the hospital we asked a nurse how my father was doing and she said, "oh, he's fine. We're checking him out tomorrow." My father had exaggerated his condition so that we would come back to see him. At that point he didn't have dementia. My siblings used guilt to make us react because they couldn't be bothered to check on him. My father used guilt the same way. It is amazing what family will do to manipulate people. The other poster was correct about losing your power. In my situation, as my father's dementia increases, he has become very verbally abusive. I've had to step away from him. No one deserves to be treated that way. I try to remember it is his sickness, but sometimes I see the person behind the illness remembering he was always controlling and abusive. The manipulation he uses to get me to do things for him is unreal. I no longer have any guilt for saying no to him. I set clear limits.

I wish I had a better answer for you, anonymous898674. I agree with the other poster that you need to stop allowing him to take your power. Stop being anonymous and be you, the person that can take your life back. My father's use of manipulation and guilt will no longer work on me. It doesn't mean I've stopped loving, it means I've started living again. Caregiving will suck the life out of you. Best of luck to you.
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Isabelsdaughter Apr 17, 2019
I'm sorry you have a father like that. My father was the same way, I know how you must feel.
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