How do I get my aunt to dress appropriately?

My mom does this and I walk proudly next to her because it is one of her last abilities to choose in a world where she has lost many of her capabilities. She will ask if she looks ok to go out and my feeling is that if she wants me to help her pick out clothes I will, but we are nearing the end and comfortable familiar clothes - even with holes - really can help to ground them in an increasingly alien world due to aging problems.

As other pointed out - depression era rooted deep for many. Those who survived and prospered seemed to maintain restoration & mastery of their "things" as compared to today's world of losing that mastery...we tend to toss things.

Acceptance is a huge thing and dressing is the least of my battles and hers with dementia and advanced heart disease. She has a closet full of clothes that are simply beautiful - but she wants familiar humility and thats fine

Hulacat13, perhaps all mentally competent people should be held to some standards, regardless of their age. Is it up to a niece to do uphold these standards? Note that the niece is not her caregiver. That is the piece that I find a little disturbing here.

Certainly parents and schools set clothing standards for kids. Employers set clothing expectations for employees (but only on company time). Nieces or nephews setting standards for dear old aunties? I'm not so sure about that.

This is a discussion I could never have had with my aunt, but maybe if you bravely asked "Auntie, can you tell me why you dress the way you do?" you might be able to start a discussion. If she responds "what do you mean?" you point out that her clothes are in poor repair, and that you know she has better in her closets because you have given them to her. If she tells you it doesn't matter, I would be concerned about depression. If she can't see anything wrong with her clothes then you know there is something cognitive going on, perhaps dementia or a mental illness.
If you just can't, then is there no one else in the family who can discuss this with her? If not then how will the family ever approach her about important issues like ensuring she has a Will and POA, or what her desires are about end of life and her living will, or what will happen if she should become unable to cope on her own any more?

This may not be relevant ... disregard if not.

As long as I knew her my grandmother had a big tumor on her cheek -- it looked like she had a jawbreaker in there. She was once staying with us to help with a new baby and my mother had to have a doctor come to the house. He attended to my mother and then glanced at Gram. "Make an appointment with my office. I can remove that growth on an out-patient basis. You won't need to come into a hospital." Clearly my gram was not pleased with this suggestion. I knew that she was self-conscious of this growth. She wore a scarf indoors and out in every season. So here was an appearance problem that could be easily solved, but she chose not to solve it.

My father lost the use of his eye in a childhood accident. The eye stayed in place, but not correctly and it was a noticeable disfiguration for a very attractive man. I'm sure over the years a glass eye had been suggested and if not, he was an intelligent man who could figure it out for himself. But he never fixed that appearance flaw.

I know a person with a cleft lip/cleft palate whose parents had surgery for him at appropriate times during his childhood. But in his late teens he turned down some final fine-tuning cosmetic surgery. He said he really didn't want to be bothered with people who would judge him by his appearance.

If people know there are options to make their appearance more socially acceptable and they choose not to use them, does that make them cognitively impaired?

jeannegibbs, excellent point.

I have those age spots next to one of my eyes but I never ask the dermatologist to remove nor do I cover them with makeup. My Mom the very same thing but more. My Mom's other sisters also had them, and so did Grandmother. Guess you can say it was our DNA badge for the family :)

So Auntie is reclusive and dresses in 'clean' clothes that are in bad repair.....old ladies with old bras showing is never a good view...Perhaps you could visit her and offer to mend her clothes, after all you don't want someone calling the cops because too much is showing! I find mending a nice thing to do with another person; perhaps it could be made into a fun thing to do together. If the clothes are 'too' well-worn maybe you and she could replace it with another article of clothing and pick it out together. I would respect her wishes, if at all possible, on what she wants to wear without letting her wear clothing that could get her into trouble as in indecent exposure. Blessings to all of you, Lindaz.

lindaz, I'm laughing. Have you been to an urban shopping mall recently? Back in my day we were embarrassed if our slip inadvertently showed below our skirt. It seems now that bra straps are exposed without a concern, and sometimes bras are exposed. Lots of women don't wear bras at all, and expose all kinds of skin. If aunties bra shows through a hole in her shirt? I can't imagine anywhere in the US that she would be in trouble for indecent exposure!

Which is not to say she won't get strange looks, and maybe some pity, and maybe some attempts to take advantage of her assumed cognitive problems. I can see why Ellen is concerned. But charged with indecent exposure? I can't imagine it.

Do you have cable TV? Watch an episode of "What Not to Wear" with your aunt. That's how I discovered I dress like a teen-aged boy. LOL.

I am somewhat saddened by the critical tone of many recent comments above that turn in judgment against the original poster. Her question was: "How do I get my aunt to dress properly?" Not "Should I get my aunt to dress properly?". So many of us have addressed the "how to" bit - and it is usually done by the surreptitious substitution method which is intended not to cause confrontation or embarassment.
But why do some of you choose to attack these good intentions by insinuating that this is controlling behaviour that would infringe the aunt's personal freedoms?
Someone has even used false logic, equating people living happily with a physical disfigurement with people who happen to be dressed sloppily.
As a person with a scarred face myself, and one who is also a careless dresser, I can inform you that most people refrain from commenting on a physical characteristic but almost everybody will point out a loose shoe strap, a button undone, a stain etc and most wearers of such clothes say "thank you" for this thoughtful attention.

Seriously folks, if a person is depressed, or in a tearing hurry, or has other things on their minds, he/she may well go out quite wearing a sweater that is inside out (has happened to me) or a T shirt pulled out of the ironing pile with holes or rips that have been forgotten about. It is not a crime to want to remove and replace the clothes with holes.
Once again, if someone posts a "how to question", please take it at face value.

Ellen, when I saw your story, it brought back so many memories of how things started with my LO. Everyone is different and the behavior of not caring about shabby clothes varies from person to person, but, I would keep an extra eye out for her. When this problem first started with my LO, I just wrote it off as odd, annoying, embarrassing, etc. Eventually, it became clear that it was an early warning sign of a more serious issue. I"d make sure that your aunt gets a full medical evaluation and even one for mental health.

My LO (cousin) lost a lot of weight, but insisted on wearing clothes that were 3-4 sizes too large. It looked ridiculous and I told her so, but, she didn't care. I bought her new clothes that fit, but, she showed little interest. She also stopped wearing bras in public, which I told her was unacceptable, due to her very large breasts. She ignored me. It became to the point that I refused to go in public with her, and even telling her straight to her face that people would think she was crazy to go out that way, meant nothing to her. She didn't care. I should have known then that her brain was not working properly. As her condition progressed, I had to insist that she bathe, wear bra, brush teeth, etc.

I'd check her fridge for spoiled food, mail for unpaid bills, car for dents, etc. I hope it's something else, but, if it is related to cognitive decline, nothing really helps. I ended up having to set her down, insist she bathe, supervise as she dressed, etc.  She just didn't get it. Now, she requires daily care for all her needs. 

I would start by taking a look at her financial matters and see were all of her money is going and definitely take a look at her bills versus her income because she may not even be able to afford new clothes. I can tell you from experience I wore rags when I had to pay full rent out of a tiny SSI check while awaiting section 8 to kick in for about 2 1/2 years. Additionally, I also lived out of cans so I didn't really cook. It was hard getting by during that time until section 8 finally kicked in and gave me a better life experience. I'm so thankful I didn't have utilities on top of full rent but I did leave out of food banks and soup kitchens for quite a while. There's also this lovely thing called curbside shopping and dumpster diving and you'd be surprised what you'll find that people throughout that's still good! Some of the stuff would blow your mind when there's really nothing wrong with it. Sometimes people must wear rags when they can't afford new clothes, been there, done that!

Definitely look at her income to see how much she gets

Check all of her bills and where all the rest of the money goes. While you're at it, check her house for expired food, specifically look for expanded cans, broken seals, spoiled food, bugs, etc. Check for these signs, I'll bet you a nickel she probably can't afford to take care of herself on what little she gets, especially if she happens to be wasting money on non-essentials. Her clothes is just a sign somethings just not right, and it might very well be something going on with her money. Hopefully no one is stealing her money or taking advantage of her as what's so common in today's world. I would definitely do an investigation and even alert the APSt

Another thing you may as well go ahead and do is to check the condition of her other clothes if she even has any. What you may have to do is replace everything that's less than suitable and just start throwing out all the rags. The final thing you'll need to do is get her out of the ones she's wearing and replace them with a new outfit, but this may require some help from others

Someone mentioned the idea of distracting her and sneaking into her bedroom and quietly replacing some of the rags with new items. I like that idea but just remember to refer to her as Cinderella who has a ferry godmother who must've waved her magic wand and fixed her clothes. Ask her if she ever considered that possibility but it must be done when she's not looking 

If it's your hubby, I can see figuring out strategies like removing the torn stuff and setting out ok clothes. But your auntie, uh uh. It's already tough for her to go out, and for whatever reason, she's clinging to her old familiars. The most you can do is a gentle question like, "Auntie, did notice that stain/rip--would you like to change? I'm happy to wait/help you." If she declines, let it go. I'm quite sure that if the rest of the party is dressed well, everyone will grasp the situation and see it with compassion. You might want to keep an eye out for signs that she needs other assistance--not eating, not taking meds, moldy food, etc.

I've thought about your question for a while, and I'll add my input.
I'm a worn jeans and t-shirt old lady myself, so maybe I can identify with your aunt.
My reasons:
1) Comfort. I wear good athletic shoes because other shoes make my feet hurt. These don't look too good with dressy clothes, so I'm always weighing foot comfort against dressing up.
2) Hate shopping. I wear my old jeans until they are no longer decent. If I find a brand that fits, I buy 3 or 4 pairs because it's very hard to find some I really like, then I wear them out because shopping is just no fun for me. Maybe you could ask your aunt to go shopping with you, and suggest that she try on some things, too. You may find out why she wears her old clothes forever--because she doesn't look so great in the new clothes available.
3) Identity. I have noticed on the rare occasions when I dress up, people treat me differently--more like a "Grande dame," you might say. Offering to help me. And maybe thinking I'm pretty well-off, so they hope to capitalize on getting on my best side. Maybe even thinking they can knock me over and steal my purse full of money. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm not as vulnerable or as attractive to potential thugs when I'm in running shoes and beat up jeans instead of heels and a skirt.
Now, I don't want to embarrass my family about being seen with me; so if a niece asked me to dress nicer for an important occasion, I'd do it IF it were an event I wanted to attend. You might say, "This is going to be a dress-up affair--I didn't know whether you'd want to go, but we really hope you will. We all would miss your company if you don't. "
The other suggestions about pointing out inappropriate clothes when you arrive to pick her up are good, too, assuming she has other options in the closet. Or getting her something you like and asking her in advance to wear that when you come for her.
Good luck. Sometimes I'd rather just stay home with the dog than get gussied up. Try to get her to be decent and take her to Dairy Queen instead of someplace with a dress code.

komentaightor, if all of us answered only exactly what a poster asked, the size of this site would be reduced by 80% More importantly the value of the site would be greatly diminished. Taking a critical tone is not usually justified, but sticking strictly to the exact wording of the question is not required or helpful, in my opinion.

I have to admit I got a little defensive on behalf of the original poster's aunt. A few months ago I was sitting across the table from my mother having lunch when she suddenly demanded "Don't you own any other shirts? You wear the same shirt every time I see you!" Truth is, I own lots of shirts, but I have three almost identical shirts that I wear almost exclusively in cooler weather because I like the way they feel and fit. I don't really care what my mother would prefer to see across the table. The other thing is, my mother was wearing the same ratty blue pants that she has on every time I see her and I never once commented about that. Because I didn't think it was my place. Well, I commented once when she had a stain on the back that I knew she couldn't see, but I never say a word about the fact that she wears the same pants every day when she has closets full of clothes. My feeling is, it's nobody's right to tell anybody else what to wear. Let alone to go through their closet throwing out their favorite duds.

Keep out of Aunty's closet it is no business of anyone but Auntie unless you plan to have her declared incompetent and apply for guardianship

What Sherijean said about saving the nice things for special occasions rang a bell for me. My mother uses her crappy dollar store eating utensils for every day and saves her special set of (stainless steel) utensils for special occasions. I mean, it's silverware, it won't wear out and it doesn't even need to be polished (unlike the good silver that my grandma had). No convincing Mom though. Sheesh!!