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Assisted Living has been discussed with my 86 year old mother. She cannot walk unassisted without falling (may be polio coming back again) and she is losing her memory. I'm ready to put her in, she is disrupting my home soooo bad. My sister-in-law kicked her out because mom was to demanding. Well mom wasn't, I visited everyday and my sister-in-law was MEAN to mom, made her sit all day in a hard dinning room chair. No TV, nothing to do but look at the window. I have her sitting in a lift chair in front of the best view in our place, TV, puzzles, knitting, phone, anything she needs. But she's driving me crazy not remembering that this is my home. Anyway, she does not want to spend any of her money on a nursing home or anyplace. All her friends went in and didn't pay a dime. I can't convince her that her friends had nothing (I'd like to tell her -- remember that's why you didn't want to be seen with them cause they looked poor). She thinks all her money and "things" should go to us kids. I don't want anything, I have more money than she and my brothers have ever had. So how do I handle this? How can I get her on Medicaid so she can be happy and get it paid for?

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.You said: "..she's driving me crazy not remembering that this is my home." What actually does she do that drives you crazy? Repeated questioning? Does she have some form of dementia? Have you tried explaining to her that she has to use up her money first and when she runs out, the government can step in and help?
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Reply to polarbear
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Try to have a loving conversation with her that her money is HERS to use, and whatever is left over can be left to your and your siblings. She's from a generation that saved and saved, and the thought of spending that money is abhorrent to them, but you have to get her to gently loosen the purse strings for her own benefit. I had to get my dad to spend $100,000 to update their bathrooms so they could stay in their house, and it darned near killed him. He got through it by writing a $5,000 check to the contractor once a week. (Hey, at least it worked.)

Just work with your mom on understanding that she will still have money to leave to you kids, even if she won't. Eventually it won't really matter to her, but it's getting their head around large expenditures like that that are tough for them. They're used to living without a mortgage, paying little for groceries, and having minimal expenses. Suddenly everything is going to change, and change is difficult.
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Reply to MJ1929
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I fought that same battle with an elderly relative who wanted to stay in her home and wanted me and another relative to drive to her house (8 miles one way) multiple times a day to cook and take care of her for NO PAY, so that she could save her money. She was very resentful of her friends who did not have to pay, but a little digging revealed that they were receiving VA widow benefits.

It took multiple falls and hospital/rehab visits and me backing away and letting her fail and be afraid to get her to come around. Sadly, you already have your mom in your house, so the job will be harder for you.

Also, if your mother requires a 2 person assist in transferring from chair or bed to wheelchair, she likely will not be a candidate for AL.
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Reply to XenaJada
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Medicaid won’t foot the entire bill for Medicaid, your mom will have to use her monthly income to pay for it and use a Medicaid waiver to cover the remaining balance since her income likely won’t cover the entire monthly cost. If your mom needs Medicaid now then she will have to spend HER money on HER care. Medicaid is not for those with money.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Are you asking us how you can get your mother on Medicaid when she HAS money? Do you understand that medicaid is a program that is funded by our taxes? It is both illegal and morally questionable (imho) to go on medicaid when you have money.
You have written us a few notes admitting that you really are not wanting to continue 24/7 caregiving. I am not blaming you. I couldn't do it for a day, myself and I am the first to think we should admit our limitations. I would simply not be capable of this at all. The point is now to make it clear to mother that you do not wish to keep her in your home.
Next comes the questions. Does she have dementia? Who is her POA for health care questions, her guardian or conservator? If you are none of those things then you need to use some of Mom's funds to see an elder law attorney. If it is too late for POA (in which your Mom must be fully cognizant of the powers she is bestowing on you) then you will become guardian or conservator and place her where you think she will be best served.
At this point the question is not really what Mom wants. Sadly you already took her into your home. So you will now have to do the difficult steps to remove her from your home. You will be a much better support to her when she is in her own living circumstances than you are able to be now. Your recent posts show you are becoming increasingly unhappy and frustrated. That won't be good for either of you.
Take it a day and a step at a time. Recognizing the problem is done. Making the choice is next. Informing Mom. Seeing the Lawyer and then lastly finding placement. Wishing you luck. A tough road, but it will be so much better for all concerned.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Polio doesn't come back as such but it can cause things like rheumatoid arthritus and other physical problems. I worked with a woman whose sister suffered fro Polio. The woman suffered from RA. Doctor said she may have had a light case that caused the RA.

As said, her friends may have met the criteria for Medicaid which means they had no money. If Mom has money, you could place her in an AL. She may not be ready for long term care in a NH.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Tothill Aug 26, 2020
There is a post polio syndrome does exist and a family friend suffered from it. https://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/patient-caregiver-education/fact-sheets/post-polio-syndrome-fact-sheet
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This is going to be a very hard conversation because she's not going to qualify for Medicaid as long as she has the financial resources to pay for her care. And she can't just start giving her money away to you and your sister and brothers at this point because of the Medicaid look-back period. You are going to have to be very honest with her that she can't live with you anymore. There will be crying (probably on both your parts) and hard feelings. If there was some magic sentence that we can say to our parents that gets them to understand that their needs are more than we can provide we'd have all used it. It seems that her big concern is that she doesn't want to spend her money. Is she still handling her own finances? Is she aware of what she has and how long it will or won't last? My mother managed to pay my grandmother's care bill by telling my grandmother it was one lower and to my grandmother, reasonable cost and had my grandmother write a check for that amount and then my mother would write a check for the balance, still from my grandmother's funds. It was sneaky but it did get the bills paid without arguments on what it was costing. There are very fine lines that I imagine we all cross occasionally with our financial POA's for our parents but filing for guardianship for a stubborn parent just seems like so much drama that we often take the risk.
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Reply to jkm999
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