Should I move mom? How do I get her to understand that if she doesn't go with me she has to go into a nursing home?

I'm going to be the person that has the response you don't want to hear - you need to sell the house and have her move to assisted living or a nursing home. Having her make the move with you only briefly postpones the inevitable - having to go to the nursing home. You say she can't care for herself, you have heart failure, and your husband will be on the road working. This is not good for your health and you will be unable to care for your mother for the long term.

If she is mentally competent she can decide to fight you on the sale of the house, but she can't stop you from moving. Consult with a real estate attorney to arrange for the sale of your half of the house. I don't know how that works but I know it can be done. And your mother can make her own decision to stay or go with you. Don't expect her to like being put in the position of having to make a decision that she doesn't want to make. She really wants everything to stay just the same and that can't happen.

We all spend too much energy trying to find the magic solution so that our parent won't be upset, angry or disappointed.

Thank you all for your input. Sometimes you end up feeling alone in your quest to care for your parent. I am glad to know others see my side.

Your mom is likely feeling the home and life she’s known slipping away along with her abilities to care for her own needs. She’s in a frightening place with this. When my dad was filled with anxiety and fears about “what was to come” I found the best approach was very direct conversation, laying out what needed to happen and what it would look like if it didn’t. He always needed a couple of days to ruminate over it but usually came around. Don’t justify why your family is moving, just be clear that her help is leaving and funds are needed for her to receive the needed care. She must choose to sell the house and go with you or remain going into professional care, no other choices

Wow, this is stressful.

If your mom is still OK. mentally, just have a calm conversation where you lay out the facts for her.
Sorry mom, I know you are not going to like most of these things I have to tell you. This is stressful and difficult for me, but some big changes are going to be happening, whether you like it or not.
1) I AM moving with my husband.
2) You can: A) move with us B) go into a facility of some sort
3) We need to sell the house A) you can agree to sell B) you will force me to force a sale where you will have to buy me out.

Your mom is scared to be alone, but asking you to stay is to ask you to separate from your husband and daughter. Her request is unreasonable. But making her understand is probably unrealistic. She might not ever understand. So, forget that mission impossible.

You have to do what you have to do regardless of mom's understanding or acceptance. When she sees that you are really leaving and that she has only two choices: go with you or go to a home, then she will have to choose one. She will probably choose to go with you.

Check with a good real estate attorney on how to handle the sale of the house. Moving/relocating is already hard without the added stress. You have my sympathy.

As a co-owner of the house, you will be able to force a sale. My guess is that it is probably joint ownership so that you will automatically inherit when your mother dies. Whether it is that or the alternative, ownership as tenants in common, you should still be able to force a sale. Your mother would have the option of buying out your half share, but probably that is unlikely to be practical. I should say that I am not a lawyer in the USA, there are some differences in the law, and you should check the situation in your own state.

Perhaps the simple answer is for you to tell your mother (perhaps with the lawyer to back you up) that you intend to go ahead and force the sale. You can say that the options for her are to come with you and DH, or to raise another mortgage and buy you out. If she does that, she will need to arrange care for herself as well, because you won’t be there. It's her choice.

It sounds harsh, and there will be major ructions, but it is the law. At least it provides a clear solution which is not just about what your mother ‘wants’. Just remember that she currently owns half the value of the house, so if she moves with you and the rest of the family, you should provide her with compensation. For your own financial interests, you would be advised to get it all set up by a lawyer, so that as with joint tenancy, you will inherit that half share automatically when she dies. You can move on with the details once your mother knows that she can't control your rights to sell.

It’s a tricky situation, probably one that your father didn’t anticipate. But life’s like that!