Well, my fuse blew. I can't find my Income Tax Returns I need for income proof for SSDI. I knew where the folders were before I was pushed to clean stuff out of my room and this house. She said she never told me to get stuff out of the house, but what do you call it when she kept saying put this in storage you're not using it. I went to my storage and looked through everything. I was so hot and angry that I called her up and said, "I literally hate your guts." Then I hung up. I told dad I called my aunt up to see if I could come up next weekend as I need to get away as I couldn't take mom anymore. I told him she cares more about this d---n house then people. He started to get emotional because he doesn't know what to do and he loves both of us. I told him there is nothing he can do. When mom came home from going to the store she and I had it out. I told her she was superficial and cared more for her stupid house than people. I told her I only asked for the bedroom to be mine and to leave it alone, but she couldn't. I accused her of possibly shredding the forms because she couldn't stand that there were folders in a box. I know she wouldn't do that but she was putting me down so I kicked back. I shouldn't have accused her of that and I knew better. She told dad that I've always used her as a punching bag. Then she yelled out over the monitor, "That if I would lose the d---n weight, I could probably get a job and get out and meet people. Yes, I am very overweight. Unfortunately, I fell into the same situation as so many other people. Food gives me solace for a little while but end the end it has torn me my body apart. I saw a psychologist about 20 years ago because of how she handled a situation when I was young. I was still messed up from it and it was affecting my life. My grandfather sexually abused me from the age of 5 through 9. I was fortunate, however, that he lived in NC and I didn't have to see him but twice a year, but it has bothered me all my life the way she handled it. When I got the courage to tell my parents what he was doing, she said I still needed to be nice to him as he was my grandfather but not to go around him unless someone else was in the room. I felt like she didn't care about me and that messed me up. When I tried to talk to her about it she said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I love her and would die for her, but I can't live with her. I know I'll apologize for what I said because I don't want to hurt her. Yet, I'll still carry around this anger toward her. Everything is my fault and none of it is hers. She yelled at me to shut up and I told her to stick it up her craw. I don't like being this way. I'm tired, fed up and feel trapped. God help me get through this situation.
It sounds as if you are in your parents' home, a difficult situation, especially if you cannot afford a place of your own.
I,. too, have conflicted feelings about my mother, she was emotionally very nasty to me when I was younger. When I was sexually assaulted by a stranger, and told her about it, she said I was lying because things like" that didn't happen to people like us". I still have no idea what that means. Please find a good therapist/counselor too. You are going through a very trying time.
Your mother is acting like a parent, with an adult child still living in her home. A child who is mad that she has to clean her room.
Blaming her for not " understanding" how hard it is for you to be an adult. It's not the best of either of you.
So write down what you want your life to be. Live independently?
Have a job? Lose weight? Have more support?
All of These things are possible for adults to achieve.
So write down goals and then find a therapist. And tell them that these are the things you want to change. A good therapist will help you with what you want to to do. Lose weight? You can get medical help with this. Live independently? Many people with many problems do this. So can you.
They will help you find community resources to help with the other things you need. They will help you take steps to reclaim your life, and celebrate your strengths.
This may seem harsh or overly simplistic. But focus on yourself and the things you can change. It's the start, the beginning.
The beautiful thing about accepting that because this is your problem alone, that you have all the power to change it.
You can do it, you are a smart and strong woman, and strong smart women ask for help.
So do you really think all this misery just your mothers fault?
This why adult children and parents seldom do well living together.
Parents keep parenting, and adult children keep reacting like difficult teens.
You have some truths to to look at.
This is your mother's house, right? That makes it her right to have any rules she wants. But, you two are adults fighting over you needing to clean your room. How old does that make
you feel? No wonder you feel so trapped and helpless, and angry.
You are blaming your mother for having adult expectatios while you have many reasons why you can not meet them.
The reality is where you are in life is your ressponsiblity, no matter what you tell yourself.
I know this all sounds harsh, mean, and unfair.
But the good news is that if it your fault then you (only you), have the power to change it!
Sure you can, but you need helpers, not mom, to change.
As many have said get a therapist. Look for a good one.
Onr that asks you to define your goals, make written plan of what yuo have to do to grt there.
You don't need someone to take your side, or take care of you, you need behavioral, cognitive therapy from a caring person
From what you say, I see that your mom has guilt about you that she will not acknowledge, which may be why she is so mean -
Also I read somewhere that victims of sexual abuse will try to change their body type with being anorexic or over weight to go away from what society deems 'beautiful' - as another over weight person I can say this is bullroar - if you dress nicely & carry yourself 'tall & proud' then you win not the abuser but many in your situation will down play their looks and/or posture to be under the radar so it doesn't happen again - that means the abuser still has a hold on you - TIME TO CUT BAIT -
You are a good person but I think you do not allow yourself to believe that so it's time to take charge in your own way because every step up means the abuser is a step lower until hopefully sometime you can't see that far down -
'Ostriches' live all over & that is what I call people who do not want to know because you upset their notion of their perfect little life - how inconvenient for them but that leaves the victim hanging - try to forgive your mother because she was way too selfish/ignorant to help you & hopefully this will mean you are a better person that she will ever be - hugs & good luck
I reached this point almost 20 years ago and fought back. I decided then that if I wouldn't take the treatment from a friend, I wasn't taking it from a relative either.
You feel guilty? Apologize. Done deal. She either accepts it or not. My mother didn't speak to me for a full year - then asked could we pretend it never happened and I said no. I couldn't just forget a year and I said no. We moved onto the next step in our relationship. Respect must be earned. You shouldn't be blackmailed into it. Many thought I was wrong, but I was able to respect myself for not crawling.
Move out of the house and move on with your life. I'm sorry you needed to return home anyway. Isn't there anything else you could have done?
RE: Emotional Eating: Welcome to the club - we have millions of members. Just do the best you can and maybe try SparkPeople.com as I lost weight using their free tools.
It does sound like you need to get out of the home if possible, but it may not be. Do your best. For years, when my mother got verbally abusive, I would leave the room. Just get up, kiss her on the cheek and say "Gotta run. Love you." and then walk out. You can love them. You can be compassionate and forgiving, but do not allow them to abuse you.
We have all "lost it", even with the most loving and kind patients. Let go of your guilt and forgive yourself. You are doing the best you can.
I have been sharing it with people for about 23 years now and
have seen so many positive things happen because of it for so many
people. I learned it from someone that I believe learned it in Unity
Ministry.
Here is a kind of 'cliff notes' version of it.
Get a tablet and a pen.
Take some quiet time, and then when you are ready
write on the first piece of paper
"I forgive and release ANYBODYS NAME for"
and write a sentence, a paragraph a page, whatever you need.
THEN write
"I forgive and release myself for" whatever it is related to
the person and the issue(s)
Again, a sentence, a paragraph, a page,
THEN
TEAR IT UP AND THROW IT AWAY
and take some nice deep breaths
You can do this for issues old and new, large and small with anyone
(including the idiot that cut you off in traffic)
Always tear it up and throw it away - that is part of the releasing
Writing it down helps you process it.
Sometimes it comes down to something like this:
"I forgive and release PARENT for a, b, c, d, e f, g (list of things, write them out), because I now realize they were doing the best they could with what they knew, they are a flawed human being, like all of us, just PARENT happened to be more flawed than most"
THEN
"I forgive and release myself for all the hurt and pain I let myself experience over the years because I didn't realize they were not what I needed them to be, and they never could be"
I set myself free from these emotions, so I have room to bring happiness into my life.
Doing this WON'T CHANGE THE PERSON, WON'T CHANGE THE SITUATION, but
It WILL CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION, and will diminish it's impact on you and your life.
In the early stages of healing process, you may have to do this technique a few times a week, but eventually it will be few and far between, and each one will be briefer and briefer.
IE "I F&R Mom for yelling at me today"
"I F&R Myself for letting it bother me, I have to remember I can't change her,
and it doesn't matter"
Yes, it really does get that simplified over time and works really quickly and frees you, your time, your energy and your attention, so you can keep building the positive things in your life that help you and support you.
With this healing you are less likely to say things that are mean or hurtful, or that you later regret saying. When they are mean or hurtful, you are less likely to react to them, and more likely to walk away or even change the situation to a positive one.
This technique helps get to the root causes which is where much of our relationship behavior patterns begin.
I was molested by my older brother. For many, many years. I never told and just self hated for about 50 years. Finally I am getting the help I need, but realistically, an entire life lost.
GET HELP!! I have lived 50+ years with self hate, depression and a very messed up way of looking at life. I find myself being unbearable angry with my mother, who, in fairness, didn't KNOW of the abuse until about 15 years ago. However, since it was the "Golden Child" who had done this, she didn't believe me and never will. That's on her. Healing, well, that's on me. Even my husband refuses to talk about it. I just came to terms with the extent of it, actually, after a huge fight with my mother---hubby feels awful, but cannot and will not discuss it with me. I have ONE person as a support network, and that is my therapist.
You need to get away from your mother. Living alone in a studio apartment would be preferable to living in what sounds like an abusive, sick relationship with mother.
My heart just aches for you. There are a lot of us out there, quietly letting people continue to abuse us. Please, please get help.
Sadly, you will likely have to walk through the pain and memories to find healing. It hurts, but you can get better. (So I hope--for myself. I'm just starting the "walk through it" part. It sucks.)
First of all, we're all just human. And each of us has a breaking point. Your relationship with your mother sounds very complicated, with lots of unresolved issues from your past. I think you need to seek counseling for yourself, get healing for yourself, before you can love your mother the way you truly want to. When my dear Mom was still alive I said some things to her that I regret to this day. Out of frustration. Yet I know that she knew how much I loved her. It's never too late to ask forgiveness and start anew. But you won't be able to do that until you start taking care of yourself first. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that love you have inside you will carry you through. Much love, Vicki
i am confused, perhaps didn't interpret correctly; but i write reactively anyway as your situation doesn't need to continue. [MAYBE talk to an eldercare specialist [is your mom even elderly?!] - and MAYBE a therapist for your unfortunate early childhood] - but - -
- LEAVE your mom. [as your dad did?] sickening to hear of people living together antagonistically as though chained and imprisoned. you're not! be pro-active. get out. see the normalcy you can have. would your dad pay for a rent/share with 2 or 3 other women? until you save some money from your new job! [btw - overweight people are lovely! i worked with such - sweetest young woman i think i ever met...you are too]
Yes, it sounds like the living arrangements are very tough and if you are not working, I am not sure if it is feasible for you to financially be on your own.
Some things that might help. So, I am about 100 pounds overweight but in the last year, I have learned to be much more fit. I used to hate people who said exercise will make me feel better. And, to be honest, after I do, I typically feel horrible and that is probably due to dehydration or a lack of protein (still trying to figure it out). But, when I do not work out, I feel it. Most of my workout is walking. I go outside and walk. No headphones either, I think I prefer to get all noise out. Yeah, I am stuck with my thoughts, but try and concentrate on the outdoors. Do something EVERYDAY for you. I truly believe that in order to be there for others, you need to be the best you. Good luck.
Get a therapist! When I did, and got so much better so fast, I wondered what I had been waiting for!!!!!!!
But I know you can't do that right now, because you live with this woman. Continue to make the plans to get out of there! You deserve (MUCH!) better!
Of course you are tired, fed up and feel trapped. I know the feeling. It is very stressful. Forgive yourself, then her and try to move on. (even if you feel she doesn't deserve forgiveness ... it is good for you, if you can. It does not make it right. It never will, but it will afford you some peace.
Don't feel bad about the fact that you pushed back at her. You said some unkind words; you didn't hurt her physically.
She allowed your grandfather to abuse you physically and did nothing about it.
Find yourself a therapist who can help you heal from your sexual abuse. And request duplicate returns from the IRS.
Move on. Move out.
Those are not the guilt feelings that you deserve.