How do I feel good about what I do for my husband? He deliberately ruins anything I feel good about in a passive aggressive way.

Reaching out here to talk to people is a very good step forward Sharon and you will find lots of kindness, understanding and advice. You will find people here have different suggestions for you so concentrate on those that seem to offer workable advice for you in your chosen current caretaking route. But listen too to the others as your situation may have to change as time moves on. You sound like a really kind person who has gone through some hard times. It is admirable that you want to care for your husband in the way you are doing, and to spare your brother where you can, but to be a good caregiver you need to respect yourself. When a caregiver is not respected by the person they care for (either because that person is being mean or because their brain is impaired by dementia) then it is very, very important that they have other areas in their life where they receive that respect. Beatty gives you good advice here. And how about making a regular arrangement with your brother? That way he feels good about supporting you and you get a regular rest - and chance to meet people who like and respect you - that you can plan for and look forward to. Do keep everyone here updated.

Why are you still with him? Why do you need a vicious and abusive person in your life?

You say you're retired and that means you have your own income. Walk away. He has dementia now so there's supposed to be nothing but patience, compassion, and tender-loving caregiving from you?

Go see a divorce lawyer. After what you've been through you deserve to have some measure of happiness in this life and to feel good about life.

He didn't take care of you and was cruel through your cancer ordeal. You don't owe him a damn thing, sister. Let his a$$ get put in memory care and you go on a vacation. Take a silver singles cruise if you're retirement age. People do those all the time to make friends and find companionship. Good luck.

I'm glad you feel less alone. No-one has to be alone in this world, but sometimes we have to be the ones to make the effort to connect with others. You are!

Do you have friends neaby to spend time with? Other groups or hobbies?

Dementia progresses. Your husband's world will keep shrinking.

But it will be healthy for you to keep expanding your life.

You have the guidance of what sounds like a really decent therapist.
You have a decade of abuse.
You have been through cancer treatments. My own experience of having had cancer is that it often helps us hone down our lives to what is IMPORTANT and teaches us not to waste time on the "wasters" in life.

Through all of that you have remained with this man. That has been your choice.
He now has dementia. He may well change, but not for the better.

You are an adult. You are responsible to make your own decisions for your own life.
While people can attempt to help and guide you (your therapist, especially), they cannot "do the work" for you.
You will decide for yourself what is best for you. I trust you to do make your own decisions.
I can only wish you the best of luck.
We all have tough decisions to make in our own life; only we ourselves can know what is the best choice for us. And only we, ourselves, have to live with our own decisions.

Best of luck out to you.

Your husband sounds like he is a narcissist and that will only get worse with his dementia.
And the fact that he loves you now, is only because he's terrified of being alone with his demented mind. And the fact that you say that you love him still, makes me wonder if you really do, or are staying now out of guilt because of his dementia diagnosis.
But regardless, you now have to do what is best for you and your physical and mental health. And if that is leaving him and having him placed in the appropriate facility...so be it.
At this point with the way he's treated you, you really don't owe him anything, but you do owe yourself a lot better.
People with dementia only get worse, never better, and 40% of caregivers will die before the person they're caring for with dementia due to stress related issues. Please don't let that be you.

I think that I am stuck in the past in regard to my husband and my marriage. It was wonderful as far as I can see for 20 years and I thought it was good for another 10 until I got cancer and learned that was not true.

I don’t want to believe it and I continue to be the wife I always was to him. I do want to go to a counselor again and try to work towards seeing and feeling and dealing with what is reality now, not something and someone that is gone. It breaks my heart.

I am seeing my brother once a week now. We have always been close. The COVID epidemic was new while I was going through all of this, and for over a year I did not see him or my friends. I am glad to have this forum now. I am relieved to not be alone with all of this anymore.

I agree with needing to reconnect with my friends and brother and I agree with needing counseling. Thank you for telling me your honest reaction and thoughts on my situation. Thank you for your support.

I know too that my husband has had physical problems and personal tragedy and loss and that made and makes me sad for him and helps me to excuse and make excuses for him. I never imagined that he would not be there for me when I needed him most. I was always there for him.

I am just starting to think that the why bad things are happening is not as important as the fact that bad things are happening. It doesn’t change anything.

First thing you do is the next time he goes to the ER or is admitted you need to talk to the Social Worker and or the Discharge Planner and make it very clear that you can not SAFELY care for him at home.
(Safety does not necessarily mean physical safety but mental and emotional safety) It sounds like your husband is cruel and this will not get better as his dementia progresses and you do not need the verbal abuse escalate to physical abuse.
You also need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure that you have all the papers in place if you do need to place him in Memory Care.

If your husband is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what benefits he and you may be entitled to. (VA is now paying Spouses to care for the Veteran) The VA may be a little help or it may be a LOT depending if they can attribute any of his medical conditions to a "service related disability"

You are a cancer survivor! You came near death and made it back! So your reward is dealing with a lazy backstabber? Who was cruel to you at your darkest hour??

He had his chance. Please believe you have incredible strength, deep down, and stop wasting so much energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Strong women like you are able to do so much for others who deserve your wisdom! Hubby needs to find another babysitter.

Surviving cancer was much harder than his crap, so plan a better life you deserve, and make it happen. You are worthy of better things!

Respectfully, as I read below you claim you still love him... what you have is a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship. It's not love. That's not what love looks or feels like. Please consider therapy so that you can find and defend healthy boundaries with him (and probably other people).

BetterHelp.com is an affordable, accessible online resource for counselors. So, there's no excuse for you to make yourself #1 priority while you still have time.

I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as your rescue yourself and not him.

It's a tricky thing, that give and take in a relationship, when suddenly you have an epiphany that 100% is all on you! Yes, there is an 'awareness', so you doubt an excuse of dementia can cut it, for the cruelty you feel. I've watched my husband, he has emotions enough for our cat that passed, tears for a neighbor that he considered a friend, etc. For me, he's demanding and non appreciative (never hear a 'Thank You') and even cutting his food in smaller bites, due to his constant choking, is indeed an issue for the last several years! The brain and the throat muscles confuse the food and air and swallowing becomes difficult? This is when they will ultimately inhale food in the windpipe and aspirate where it ends up in the lungs and pneumonia will be the result? Doesn't make it easy, as the choking, drooling, snot and spit, is more than I can tolerate at every meal (it's gross) and I lose my appetite! I so understand what is going on, he has no control. He looks the same, but since his brain surgery, he is an imitation of his former self! A few mini-strokes, we thought were seizures? He shakes and coffee will leave a trail across the floor! A given, he drops things, breaks things and he can't bend over to even clean the mess! Sleeps more than usual and yes changes are occurring! He swears he isn't the one leaving a puddle in the bathroom, it must be the cat who died years ago, returning in 'Spirit' form? Better to laugh, as I'd be dehydrated from crying and a shriveled prune by now! Speaking of prunes, he's going to need some, as the groans and grunting through the bathroom door, is evidence of him having issues! If I described what I surmise goes on in there, you would have a visual and be in hysterics, that you will piddle yourself and swear you need adult diapers too! He must have mistaken the shower curtain as toilet paper, and how he managed to get the mess across the tub and onto the tile walls, and up the walls in every direction, I think he passed out and it was a 'fountain' that like lava spewed everywhere! Patience is a virtue, this too shall pass! The vows, of for better or for worse, with the ONLY escape clause, till death do you part, and NO, you can't kill them! If ONLY I knew that the 'I do', would mean I'd DO EVERYTHING? I might have passed and gave myself a brief moment to rethink the commitment? In for the long haul, and will laugh instead of cry, as a good belly laugh might be our cure and keep us relatively sane? Tears will flow, save them as Happy tears, because the oceans are full enough (global warming and icecaps melting). Let the Journey be a learning cure and take care of self! You are strong, capable, responsible and able! Pretend they are 3, let them win the games you play together! No need to stir anger and tantrums. Do what makes you happiest, whether reading, drawing, painting, and creating! Steal your moments for bliss! Let it feed your soul! Be well and kind to yourself, first and foremost! This is not what anyone of us signed up for! God, let you be the Angel for someone else, accept your wings and feathers and wear your halo with pride!