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I cannot leave her with a lot of money anymore because she takes it out of her wallet hides it and then tells me she has no money. So she feels I am taking her money for myself. Help please it is so hard to see her this way she has been so independent and now she is not.

Do you have her POA? If so, you don’t need to explain a thing to sister. If not, then you may have some trouble over all this.

can you find where the money is hidden? My Dad used to put the money in his sock drawer. I would just take the money from his sock drawer to give to him each week....he was happy..he had money, and in reality we just recirculated the same money week after week.
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Min1940 May 25, 2019
Thank you for your reply. Yes I have POA. I did find some money but not all of it. I do make sure she has some but if she’s having a better day she realizes she doesn’t have as much as she used to in her wallet. Then It becomes a mistrust with me and then she not understanding and becomes so angry with me. This is when it gets hard for me. I am at a loss☹️
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I wonder if this is where the stories of impish elves come from, trying to explain to an elder who hides things.  'Those elves are at it again...they took it and hid it on you.'  Then have her hunt for it with you.

Just a thought.  Maybe it's time for me to go to bed!
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cherokeegrrl54 May 28, 2019
Love it!!!! Thats a good explanation and have the patient help to look for the missing item....😊
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Personally, I'm a bit angered with the "you don't need to explain" response. She's your older sister, and you're trying to respect her questions. It's not that you don't need to explain; it's that she is unable to process the answer because her brain doesn't work like it used to. It's awful to see this ability slip away, especially in someone who was fully competent and independent.

I keep hearing you can't explain things or use rationales with victims because they no longer have the capacity to reason. Dealing with that is easier said than done. What is a discussion except the exchange of facts, opinions, thoughts, logic, etc.? It may be time to start using the "white lies" - as in, "you asked me to deposit the money for you so I did." Or "oh, we took care of that together. Gosh, I'm getting hungry. Do you want something to eat?" That's deflection. Maybe even "I have it safely secured for you. You asked me to hold onto it because your memory is getting a little rusty but every penny you asked me to watch is there." Then deflect.

Having money seems to equal security for some, so removing it will cause anxiety. Maybe small bills that won't matter too much if they get hidden. You'll find them someday - depending on your living situations and she's with or near you. Good luck. Try not to take the anger personally - you're doing the best you can.
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AlvaDeer May 28, 2019
Oh, you are so right. It isn't easy to just say "you don't need to explain." With family, when you have been put in charge of someone whose mind is failing, it muddies the waters so badly. I am in the exact position with an older brother, the best man in my life ever. Always methodical in managing money and affairs. Now I am Trustee and POA. Has put him in the position of thinking that I think my big brother has no brains whatsoever.
If you refuse to discuss things, then the person may just obsess on things, and it goes from bad to worse fast.
Not sure there is a really good answer to this, but it is one of the side effects of truly caring for an elder, and not everything can be fixed with a magic wand. There are some great suggestions in this thread, such as small bills, and etc. But when you are in charge of an elder, he or she may actually, if they are "givers" give away a lot of the cash they have to spend. I think the important thing to know is that nothing is really personal in accusations and fibs. They can't "help it" and we still can. It takes patience and it involves heartbreak.
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I had simular problems with my sister in her early stage
of Alzhiemers I have POA over her health & welfare!
I also got her to go to the bank with me & made her account joint telling her that - if needed I could take care of her affairs!
That worked fortunately for me— she would never remember her pin number & all her close friends did !
As she got worse I changed her pin number & I also would
control what she could take out not that there was much
because of other financial issues that she had forgetting to pay her bills !
That was about six years ago & she is now turning seventy five & is in a nursing home!
Make sure everything is in order before she declines in her health!
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Would she realize a gift card is not a credit card? Maybe a small amount or refillable card with a small amount she can spend but not overspend. My mother is the same, we give her $20 when she complains which she promptly hides and forgets and then says someone stole but it’s not going to change.
Don’t argue, don’t explain because she probably will take that as an argument. Just change the subject or if you can’t , leave the room for a bit.
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If you go shopping with her all the time can you cancel the card she has, let her keep them when the card is declined you can say ..."I'l take care of this" and you can use an active card. Doing this you will not have to worry about the credit or debit card getting into the wrong hands.
As far as cash goes. I had a difficult time with that with my Husband. He had always used strictly cash for 99.99% of the transactions he did. (used to own his own business and he came from a family that owned a restaurant. so Cash was King) I cleared out his wallet one evening after he went to bed. I removed the cash he had but I did replace some using singles. Looked like a lot more than it really was. It was not long before he actually stopped taking his wallet out to pay for something.

Side note here though. He did take off in the car one day and he did have a credit card in his wallet. After I contacted the police and told them that he had gone missing I called the credit card company and cancelled the card. I did not want someone else getting it somehow and using it. When the police got to the house they asked me about cash and credit cards and when I told the officer that he had little cash and I just cancelled the card they told me that I should have kept it active because it would be easier to track him if he tried to use it. (in the 12 hours he was missing he never tried to use it) ..longest 13 hours of my life!
So it might be good to have an active card on her if you have no other way to track her. (phone or other device that she would have on her)
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This phase will pass in time & she won't be this way forever .... it will just feel that way - meanwhile be very careful when throwing out garbage as you don't know where things are hidden - we now figure mom lost many things when she hid money/mail in the used newspaper pile when they where put in recycle box ... also look in towels, under shelf paper [shelves & drawers], matress
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jacobsonbob Jun 7, 2019
...and among the pages of books.
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Some here have said they put play money is LOs wallets. Depends on how advanced their Dementia is if they know the difference. Its time for you to take the reins. If her Dementia is advancing more and more, she may need an AL. Don't need money there.
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Min1940 May 25, 2019
Thanks but she’s too smart to replace real money with play money. But I will keep that in mind for later as she progresses.
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Min, she has dementia. Her brain is broken. She can no longer understand and yes, she will blame you and be angry at you.

Is she on any psych meds to help with agitation?
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I would just give her small bills. I was giving my mom cash, she always was a “cash” person. I thought she was hiding it in the house. Come to find out she was giving it away to the kid next door. It ended up being thousands of dollars.
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