How do I explain stress from caregiving to friends?

Unfortunately, you can't fix ignorance and you can't teach empathy. For anyone to ask you 'why on earth' you'd be stressed, knowing full well that BOTH of your parents are suffering from late stage Alzheimer's and vascular dementia is not only cruel it's the epitome of STUPID! Sounds like it's time to cut ties with your 'friend'.....you need supportive, loving, empathetic people in your life, especially now, nothing less.

Best of luck & here's a big bear HUG for you today!

I appreciate the great answers you've gotten so far, (&i will add my "2cents"☺). It seems that lots of "caregiving stress" is emotional. I mean, of course our bodies suffer, if we do 'hands on' care. But our complex emotions (from facing the deathlike state of elderly LOs) is invisible to others. It seems exhausting to even try & convey our 'anticipatory' grief & pain to others. Since we continue so long in the grief process, it can wear us out to a dangerous extent, & talking about it is only helpful if the listener is familiar with our struggle. (Otherwise it just pisses us off).

Els1e, caregiving as we all know is 24 hours a day, 365 days per year, and could go one for many years. Unless that friend has been in your boots, or even had on one boot, they are clueless regarding the demands.

I remember grumbling to a co-worker about need to drive my parents all over the countryside. She was shocked that I would even be complaining since my parents drove me everywhere when I was a child. I fired back, "that true, but my parents were in their 70's when I was a child... big difference".

My folks were in long-term-care, and in Memory Care. Yes, they were being taken care of, but it was the years prior to them moving that had slammed my well being. The stress just changes to a different set of stress points. Like the telephone. Oh my gosh, whenever I saw on Caller ID one of the facilities were calling, I was like jello and couldn't stop shaking for the rest of the day. The facilities had to call any time one of the parents had a fall, or were being taken to the ER, etc.

Then the MAJOR stress of having a boss who had a heart of ice, who didn't understand or cared to understand whenever I need some hours off.

Thankfully my current boss totally understood, because his wife had Alzhimer's for many years and he was the main caregiver for awhile until he hired a caregiver.

There really is no way until they experience it. Hell, even my own family members don't understand despite seeing/partly experiencing what's happening when they visit.
They all act "how bad can it be?" with me being pretty much the only person (my dad tries to help but he's 70+ and can realistically only do so much, which isn't a lot) taking care of her.
The lack of sleep for days on end, the not eating because I never take the time or am too stressed, barely being able to take a shower. Having not gone out or socialized with another human being in almost 3 years.
Then they have the gall to ask me stuff like "why are you getting so thin?"
I actually once over heard my sister (who's almost 40 and lives on the property in a trailer, real winner) tell my siblings I don't do enough and why don't I/I should have a part time job in between the 24 hour care, doing all the house chores/cooking, and running all the errands.

The only person I ever knew who understood the burden was a friend who had taken care of his drug addict mother. He's moved away now.

I think ErinM60 said it perfectly “Perhaps if our parent had a malignancy, or severe heart disease, diabetes, whatever, there would be more support.” I think that’s very true! Very, very few of my friends and even my dear SIL understands the stress and sadness of watching my Mom decline right before my eyes, a shell of her previous self. Watching and monitoring every aspect of her health, even though she’s in a NH. She asked If they’re ILL!? YES THEYRE ILL!! I couldn’t have held that back. Only my DH really gets it. I also think there’s a stigma about dementia that makes people afraid of watching it, almost like it’s such a personal and soul baring condition that it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for those a little removed from the daily trenches.
If you want to give this friend an eye opener, ask her to visit your parents with you one day...say you could use her help with something or whatever. It might be educational for her and might help with a little empathy for the residents. And for you. But if she’s not worth it as a friend, just limit your contact.

Thank you all for your answers. My husband has been telling me to walk away from this friend for years but I always feel sorry for her as her husband died young leaving her to bring up her daughter on her own. However, the empathy I show her is not reciprocated and she is a talker, whereas I do all the listening and commiserating with her problems. She really hasn’t a clue what Ive been going through so harsh though it seems, maybe I should cut ties with her. 😳

People honestly and truly don’t realize what intestinal fortitude it takes to be a caregiver for an adult. My own children don’t realize what my life caring for their father involves.

Short of giving these people a crash course in dementia and certified nurse assisting, they will never know. It’s not worth explaining. If a person has the opinion that it’s “nothing” and we have no business being stressed or anxious, I’d just turn and walk away.

This may sound callous. After 3 years of dealing with my mothers dementia, I have found that nobody cares. Period. It’s incredible to me , but people really don’t care. Perhaps if our parent had a malignancy, or severe heart disease, diabetes, whatever, there would be more support. I agree with the comment made in an earlier post, if no one has walked your in shoes, they can’t possibly realize how hard this is

Until someone has walked in your shoes, they cannot ever really understand. Often they will think it cannot be worse than caring for an infant. Never once thinking it through. The constant need to be vigilant over every single detail all the same while as getting little to no emotional reward.
Many times elders with sever memory issues are either abusive and/or no clue who their daughter even is. This also just adds to the stress and debilitating efforts involved.

i am not sure there is any way to convey that knowledge in words.

Has this person ever been the supportive type? I think that empathy is a character trait your friend lacks - anyone who is that clueless isn't going to listen to any explanations from you, it would be like trying to explain colours to the blind.