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If your husband is facing a progressive disease, talk therapy can be very helpful in that he can vent or say things he may not feel comfortable saying to family. It's important to find the right therapist that he feels totally comfortable with. You can't force him, but hopefully you can find help along the line. My husband was initially resistant to therapy but I found him a great person who is very easy to talk to.
What is his condition? What symptoms does he not want to live with? What kind of therapy? Given the limited information you have provided, I don't know if therapy would be helpful for your husband. I'm inclined to suggest that you respect your husband's wishes. Maybe there's more to the story which would give me a different opinion. I see from other posts that maybe he has Parkinsons? Any chronic, debilitating, progressive illness can not really be helped, though he might experience a better quality of life with the right therapy. I think it's up to him. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to lose your husband. You are hoping to keep him going as long as possible. That's what we all do instinctively. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if my husband had died in the hospital 10 years ago. Instead, the doctors kept him (barely) alive. Since then, he is unable to walk, talk, chew & swallow solid foods, cannot use the computer, the phone, or the tv remote, and is in diapers due to full incontinence. He has been sitting in bed or recliner for 10 years watching tv, which I have to change frequently because he is bored with this existence. Friends stopped visiting, his grown sons don't try and talk to him because he does not say anything to them. It's a horrible, lonely existence. But I want him here with me as long as possible because I can not imagine a day when I can not look at his face.
Well, I don’t blame him. Parkinson itself is horrible, my husband has one of Parkinsonism or Parkinson’s + which include PSP and MSA, multiple system atrophy, he has every symptom, no dementia which is typical with MSA. Those two conditions of PD are horrible. You need to accept, let him grieve. Those losses are slow, or fast, sort of sneaky but immeasurable. I know higher or different drugs of standard treatment of PD are perhaps helping somewhat as they increase dopamine.
I don't know what your husband is enduring, how long, nor his age and other factors that likely contribute to his decision(s).
While it may seem unhelpful or unsupportive, my sense is to honor his feelings. Sometimes chronic pain - knowing it is progressive - is just too much for a person to have a reason to live. He seems to be at that point - to a degree. At what point does a person say "I do not want to live like this - why" ... what is the point to suffer day in and day out ... and that suffering progresses.
In my values/beliefs, the quality of life, is what matters and the question to ask --- not 'just' the longevity. Religious or spiritual beliefs certainly may contribute to a person's decisions in these matters.
As other(s) have said, too, would consider discussing medication to ease his depression, overwhelm with his life situation. The first step is to see if he would talk to MD about it and/or you discuss with MD first then talk to him.
What does he do all day? How compromised is he physically and mentally? Does he get any enjoyment from his life?
ABOUT YOU_______________________________________ I am sad you are going through this. It must be extremely difficult and painful for you. How do you cope daily?
How do you take care of yourself? Have you said everything to him that you want him to hear from you?
* Have you encouraged him to talk about how he feels - in my depth? about his condition, you/r marriage, life events? * Do help him get out whatever has been left unsaid. * If he's willing, video tape so you will have a memory. If it is painful for you, you can always delete it. If he reflects about your life together - the good times - these are memories you might want to capture.
Perhaps you consider a therapist to cope and get the support you need.
Talk therapy is unlikely to help a person with a medical condition that worsens over time. I would not hear of it when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Instead I chose to take an antidepressant medication which has helped me a lot. I suggest an AD for your husband too.
Have you looked into the CurePSP programs that work with PSP patients around the country? There is no cure now but those of us with Parkinson's and Parkinson's Plus diseases are hopeful. There should be some support groups that might help you, or him, in dealing with this terrible diagnosis. Best of luck to you.
Hadi says in her bio that her husband has progressive supranuclear palsy.
I don’t know anything about this condition, nor about how long he has had it or how far along he is. But per Mayo Clinic site:
Progressive supranuclear palsy worsens over time and can lead to dangerous complications, such as pneumonia and trouble swallowing. There's no cure for progressive supranuclear palsy, so treatment focuses on managing the symptoms.
Symptoms can include:
Stiffness, especially of the neck, and awkward movements. Falling, especially falling backward. Slow or slurred speech. Trouble swallowing, which may cause gagging or choking. Being sensitive to bright light. Trouble with sleep. Loss of interest in pleasurable activities. Impulsive behavior, or laughing or crying for no reason. Trouble with reasoning, problem-solving and decision-making. Depression and anxiety. A surprised or frightened facial expression, resulting from rigid facial muscles. Dizziness.
I would be pretty depressed if I had this condition and I think I would be anxious and anguished too if my spouse had it.
Hadi, would he be open to someone such as you or his doctor pointing out that treatment is to help manage symptoms — while he is still alive? Has his doctor given an estimate of how much longer he might live? Is he able to do much independently or get pleasure out of life? How recent was the diagnosis and onset of symptoms?
Since according to your profile your husband has several health issue going on including a form of Parkinson's, it may just be best at this point that his doctor puts him on some sort of anti-depressant to help with his depression, as once that is better controlled he may be more open to the recommended therapies. One step at a time, and I think his depression needs to be dealt with first.
Tell us more. You put this under "depression". If you are speaking truly of ONLY depression, then yes, perhaps a good cognitive therapist will help. And perhaps not. Perhaps medication will help. Perhaps not. If you cannot convince your husband to try either, then it is looking like he is averse to help, and you won't change that.
If you are talking of dementia, it is a whole different subject and has nothing really to do with depression.
In order to answer you we need to know what you are dealing with, so more information would get you much better answers. Otherwise we are left with letting you know that we really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen.
"Otherwise we are left with letting you know that we really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen."
This is so on the nose for so many situations in life. Dealing with an elder in the stages in between fine and incapacitated where there's no real forcing of anything you can do, it's words to live by. We really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen.
Thank you for those words, AlvaDeer. Thanks in general to you (and others) who are willingly dispensing this type of knowledge to us. I know you don't have to do it, and I appreciate the fact that you do it anyway. You are making society a little bit better for the rest of us.
I have been on and off this forum for years now, mostly reading to myself and then rushing down to relate these bits to my sister who helped take care of mom, even though she has her own issues. You just never know who you ultimately reach.
therapy may very well help him... but... If he refuses to participate, if he refuses to do what he should do then therapy will not help. And it will not be covered by his insurance if he refuses to participate. You do not give any info as to the type of therapy or his condition(s) but this is his choice. Ok.. I read your profile and you do give info on his condition. Parkinson's like condition. Again even with this info if he refuses to participate there is not much you can do HOWEVER.... If his condition reaches the point where he is no longer safe to be cared for at home, or if you are not safe caring for him at home he will have to enter a facility that can manage his care safely. If he is aware of that and he wishes to remain at home MAYBE that is the incentive he needs to accept that therapy may allow him to remain at home longer.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Maybe there's more to the story which would give me a different opinion.
I see from other posts that maybe he has Parkinsons? Any chronic, debilitating, progressive illness can not really be helped, though he might experience a better quality of life with the right therapy. I think it's up to him.
I'm sorry. I know you don't want to lose your husband. You are hoping to keep him going as long as possible. That's what we all do instinctively.
Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if my husband had died in the hospital 10 years ago. Instead, the doctors kept him (barely) alive. Since then, he is unable to walk, talk, chew & swallow solid foods, cannot use the computer, the phone, or the tv remote, and is in diapers due to full incontinence. He has been sitting in bed or recliner for 10 years watching tv, which I have to change frequently because he is bored with this existence. Friends stopped visiting, his grown sons don't try and talk to him because he does not say anything to them.
It's a horrible, lonely existence. But I want him here with me as long as possible because I can not imagine a day when I can not look at his face.
Parkinson itself is horrible, my husband has one of Parkinsonism or Parkinson’s + which include PSP and MSA, multiple system atrophy, he has every symptom, no dementia which is typical with MSA. Those two conditions of PD are horrible.
You need to accept, let him grieve. Those losses are slow, or fast, sort of sneaky but immeasurable. I know higher or different drugs of standard treatment of PD are perhaps helping somewhat as they increase dopamine.
While it may seem unhelpful or unsupportive, my sense is to honor his feelings. Sometimes chronic pain - knowing it is progressive - is just too much for a person to have a reason to live. He seems to be at that point - to a degree. At what point does a person say "I do not want to live like this - why" ... what is the point to suffer day in and day out ... and that suffering progresses.
In my values/beliefs, the quality of life, is what matters and the question to ask --- not 'just' the longevity. Religious or spiritual beliefs certainly may contribute to a person's decisions in these matters.
As other(s) have said, too, would consider discussing medication to ease his depression, overwhelm with his life situation. The first step is to see if he would talk to MD about it and/or you discuss with MD first then talk to him.
What does he do all day?
How compromised is he physically and mentally?
Does he get any enjoyment from his life?
ABOUT YOU_______________________________________
I am sad you are going through this.
It must be extremely difficult and painful for you.
How do you cope daily?
How do you take care of yourself?
Have you said everything to him that you want him to hear from you?
* Have you encouraged him to talk about how he feels - in my depth? about his condition, you/r marriage, life events?
* Do help him get out whatever has been left unsaid.
* If he's willing, video tape so you will have a memory. If it is painful for you, you can always delete it. If he reflects about your life together - the good times - these are memories you might want to capture.
Perhaps you consider a therapist to cope and get the support you need.
I send you a hug,
Gena / Touch Matters
Best of luck to you.
I don’t know anything about this condition, nor about how long he has had it or how far along he is. But per Mayo Clinic site:
Progressive supranuclear palsy worsens over time and can lead to dangerous complications, such as pneumonia and trouble swallowing. There's no cure for progressive supranuclear palsy, so treatment focuses on managing the symptoms.
Symptoms can include:
Stiffness, especially of the neck, and awkward movements.
Falling, especially falling backward.
Slow or slurred speech.
Trouble swallowing, which may cause gagging or choking.
Being sensitive to bright light.
Trouble with sleep.
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities.
Impulsive behavior, or laughing or crying for no reason.
Trouble with reasoning, problem-solving and decision-making.
Depression and anxiety.
A surprised or frightened facial expression, resulting from rigid facial muscles.
Dizziness.
I would be pretty depressed if I had this condition and I think I would be anxious and anguished too if my spouse had it.
Hadi, would he be open to someone such as you or his doctor pointing out that treatment is to help manage symptoms — while he is still alive? Has his doctor given an estimate of how much longer he might live? Is he able to do much independently or get pleasure out of life? How recent was the diagnosis and onset of symptoms?
Sending you both my sympathies!
One step at a time, and I think his depression needs to be dealt with first.
If you are talking of dementia, it is a whole different subject and has nothing really to do with depression.
In order to answer you we need to know what you are dealing with, so more information would get you much better answers. Otherwise we are left with letting you know that we really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen.
"Otherwise we are left with letting you know that we really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen."
This is so on the nose for so many situations in life. Dealing with an elder in the stages in between fine and incapacitated where there's no real forcing of anything you can do, it's words to live by. We really cannot convince others that we are right and they are wrong. Just doesn't often happen.
Thank you for those words, AlvaDeer. Thanks in general to you (and others) who are willingly dispensing this type of knowledge to us. I know you don't have to do it, and I appreciate the fact that you do it anyway. You are making society a little bit better for the rest of us.
I have been on and off this forum for years now, mostly reading to myself and then rushing down to relate these bits to my sister who helped take care of mom, even though she has her own issues. You just never know who you ultimately reach.
but...
If he refuses to participate, if he refuses to do what he should do then therapy will not help. And it will not be covered by his insurance if he refuses to participate.
You do not give any info as to the type of therapy or his condition(s) but this is his choice.
Ok.. I read your profile and you do give info on his condition. Parkinson's like condition. Again even with this info if he refuses to participate there is not much you can do HOWEVER....
If his condition reaches the point where he is no longer safe to be cared for at home, or if you are not safe caring for him at home he will have to enter a facility that can manage his care safely. If he is aware of that and he wishes to remain at home MAYBE that is the incentive he needs to accept that therapy may allow him to remain at home longer.