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She constantly talks about herself and I feel unloved. Intellectually I know i shouldn't take her behavior personally. She's in her own world and wrapped up in her severe pain. I get so angry inside because her caregivers gush all over her. I feel unimportant around here and she treats them differently than me.

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I'd suggest a support group for caregivers. Our community here has many people who have coped with (or are coping with) this issue. Stay alert for updates since you'll be hearing from some of them. Also, an in person support group may help.

Finding a good counselor to help you cope with this difficult issue would also be a good idea.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol
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Sorry Sonny, but you sound like a stalker. Meet online first, meet in public places second, maybe...I truly apologize if you have nothing but thge best of intentions, but the scene has just gotten a bit dangerous to be asking people to make personal phone calls.
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Smitty, almost everyone gets the same take-it-for-granted treatment from their loved one when they put on a show for other caregivers. You are absolutely not alone and mom isn't likely to give you any real love or empathy...and it is not your fault. I probably would not call Smitty expecting that either.
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It is sooo hard to not have our feelings hurt. I know. My Mother is very similar. Growing up she wasn't really there for me, somehow everything was all about her. Even the most innocent of conversations would revert to her and her feelings. She can be narcissistic and histrionics or Drama queen, center of attention. Now that she has lived with me for 2 years, she thinks that I steal from her, I spend all her money, thinks that I am trying to starve her by giving her foods that she cant or wont eat, and thinks that she would be much better by herself. When her caregivers or lady friends come over, yes she has to be the center of attention. Awesome, she needs that. She needs the compliments, needs them to fuss over her and to be told she is gorgeous. She still wears make up and curls her hair daily. She needs them to come over and play a game with her, or to take her to the Senior Lunch. I don't always have time with dinner and housework and job too. Im exhausted. When I need to talk out my anger and frustrations I have friends that I can do that with, then I end up feeling better, feeling validated and much more calm.
It isn't easy to care for someone else, but try not to take them to heart. I remember when my son was younger, maybe 10 or 12, we would drive up to Gramma's house and we would go bowling. She began to introduce me as her Step Daughter. Seriously? I was in my 40s, and she married my Dad when I was 3 years old. Now all of a sudden Im not your real daughter? Wow, that hurt, but that was the beginning of her mental decline. Looking back now I recognize the signs. I hope this helps someone.
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Cactusflower...thank you for for your feedback...you are so fortunate to have friends who are there for you..im sure that helps you stay sane.

Doesn't it help to have other caregivers pitch in? It helps me detach from her. Its sad she doesn't trust you. Just remember its never about you and she's incapable of changing. I'm trying to let it in one ear and out the other when she issues one complaint after another...i have to walk on eggshells because when I remind her that she complains, she shames me. I guess you can't win with a narcissist!

To hear your mother say that...wow, how hurtful for you. Was your mom ever diagnosed with mental illness? Mine was never diagnosed with NPD but my therapist of 10 years recognized it and it helped me so much to feel validated. Growing up i was always the Identified patient" meaning the crazy one...my dad was never around..just my self absorbed mother.

Do what you can to continue detaching and remember that you matter and have value regardless of what she thinks or says to you.

I hope that helps in some way.
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Smitty, her caregivers are never going to gush all over you. They are there for the patient and nobody else. I get the feeling mom spoiled you more than just a little. It will be hard for you to be on the sidelines, but that is what happens when you become an adult. So pick up your bruised ego and walk it off.
(signed) Nurse Ratched
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