How do I deal with the anger and resentment I am feeling?

I feel for you and can say I have done it and been there, I dont have all the answer's and have my FIL at home until April 1st and then he is going to assisted living and that might not be for everyone, I did resent him and It is very true your lives do revolved around him, I finally told my husband we eat, sleep, drink and talk about your dad. I did get very sick and still get the headaches, try hot baths or hot tub, they do help. I will keep you in my prayers and take some time away with your husband (find someone to watch him a friend or church member) Just get some away time for both of you. Stay strong.....

You are, in my opinion, experiencing burnout. Your life revolves around your father-in-law and he knows how to manipulate you.
It seems to me that it would be far better to move him to assisted living (if he's healthy enough) or to a nursing home if AL is out of the question.
You and your husband could visit and care for him, but you would also have a life of your own. As it is, you are a 24/7 caregiver to a man with at best a difficult personality. You didn't say if his alcoholism is "active" in that he's still drinking, but that certainly can be part of the picture. Alcoholism is a disease, as is possible dementia.
There is a limit to what you can do. Your headaches and other physical symptoms are good clues that this is taking too much out of you. Since there is so much dysfunction in your husband's family, this seems to be up to you two. Please talk with him about moving his father into care before you end up with severe health problems.
Good luck,
Carol

dgrey63, you know I think if I were in your position, next time he plays the 'I'm sicker then you think and may call 911' card, I'd ask him if he thinks he'd be more comfortable in a nursing home? My hope would be that he will stop complaining and be a little more grateful. I don't know, what do you think?

dgrey- I know where you are coming from with the anger and resentment. I have been feeling that way for awhile now with taking care of my father that has copd, and a trach due to thyroid cancer. I get so tired of the hacking and coughing. I like nancy's idea about the nursing home... Try that and see what kind of response you get out of him. Good luck. Stormyyy

If LTC is out of the question, then I would strongly suggest respite care, which if in California can be paid for thru Medi-cal and some insurances.. Talk with his Doctor and yours. If you continue to get sick you will be of no help to either of you. Good Luck and God Bless.

I think that Carol's suggestion that it is time to consider long term placement is on the mark. Until that happens, absolutely arrange respite care. You have to get away from that situation regularly. Use FIL's funds to pay for this. If he has no funds, apply for Medicare. In fact, in the likely event that he doesn't have enough funds to pay for long-term care the rest of his life, start the application process as soon as possible. Set some "no-talk-of-Dad" to be with your husband.

And a reality check on your resentment -- "white lies" are to protect other people's feelings. "That is a nice haircut," or "Oh I don't think anyone noticed that stain on your tie" are white lies. Lies used to manipulate others are not "white" and excusing them that way is a kind of denial. Dismissing all caring suggestions is disrespectful. Being unappreciative is annoying to say the least. Your resentment is not without justification. Of course, he may not be mentally healthy enough to make significant behavior changes. Another reason to consider long-term care.

While you are still doing the day-to-day caring, try not to care so much! Do your best, and let it go. And I suggest not consulting him so much. Raise the head of his bed. If he objects, say, "I want you to try this for 3 nights to see if it makes a difference." Occassionally make him something to eat that you think would be good for him (without giving that as a reason.) If he doesn't eat it, so be it.

You can only do what you can do and what he'll let you do. Do not take on personal responsibility for his well-being. Do your best. That is all any of us can do.

Thanks to all for your advice. Yesterday, I did nothing, other than give him his meds., and it felt great! I did not even bother to sit with him and listen to his complaints, although he tried to get me to. He even offered to let me watch Dr. Oz, which he never does ( tv stays on 24 hour western channel). I had a nap, watched some tv in my room and stayed in my pjs, all day. I never do that.
Later, before bedtime, my husband gave me a massage, as well as a gift of three Ray Charles's cd collection!!!
My fil still drinks alcohol and will not go into assisted living. We have tried to discuss end of life issues and he wants full life support, til the end.
This morning he begins complaining about the pain in his stomach he has everynight. No kidding, I replied....you drink whiskey with mountain dew on top of cipro and an iv antibiotic. Of course, he denies that is the reason. So, I very calmly told him that I did not want to have a discussion about that. The end!!! Felt great.
Not to blame everything on my fil, I have to let go of the control issues I have. I can only provide limited support and that is it. If he does not want to listen to the advice of his doctors, then there is little I can do. I did tell him, when he pulled the 911 trick again, that I would call 911 if I thought he needs it. I also told him, that if he is able to speak in full sentences without running out of breath, he is fine. When he complains about the meds., he has to take, I just tell him if he does not comply, he will go into the hospital.
Again, thanks to all.

Good for you... See just got to stick to your guns. I am happy for you and pray all go's well...

dgrey63, That is great! Keep it up! To stop enabling someone's self-destructive behavior in the name of "caring" has got to take effort and strength. I'm so glad you have done this.

Keep in mind that while he can say he refuses to consider LTC, you have some options, too. You can decide that he can no longer live with you. I know you do not want to get that drastic, but keep in mind it is a possibility. This is not a court-mandated in-house arrest you are serving. You ultimately have the upper hand. Whether or not you use it is up to you, but just knowing you have it may help you maintain the strength to do what needs to be done while he lives with you.

Please come back periodically and let us know how this plays out.

Grey- I am in the same boat with my mother. She has always been difficult but now with lung cancer and Alzheimers everything is magnified. She also takes me for granted and rejects any ideas I have to make her more comfortable/healthy. I'm sure this is some kind of attempt at manipulation (in addition to the obvious attempts at manipulation). I think for them being uncooperative and difficult is how they try to get attention. Imagine if you offered something healthy to them and they said "yes that sounds good, thanks"- that would be the end of the interaction. They dont want this, they want to be continually fussed over. I think they're afraid that if they say "hey that protein drink was great, I feel pretty good" that you might continue to help them and eventually leave/pay less attention because they got "better". It's ridiculous, I know, but I think they hold on to their ailments as insurance that someone will be there for them in this awful time in their lives.

I'm not justifying this behavior, believe me, I have a ton of resentment also. The way I deal with it is to be as objective as I can with my mother. I take care of all of her basic needs, and I do it well, but I will not be her friend and most of the time will not even have a conversation with her if I can help it, because it will be about her and her suffering. It's a crappy way to live but it's the best I can do to save myself.

I too have resentment toward my MIL and tend to take it out on my husband, which I know is totally unfair. He travels for his job, so is not home for 1-2 days a week. My MIL has diabetes, mild alheizheimers, mild dementia and DRINKS 2-3 glasses EVERY evening of Jack Daniels and water. When my husband (whom does not drink at all) is not home she starts her drinking as early as 4-430 pm and continues til about 1130pm. When he is home she waits til at least 6-7pm then just goes downstairs and stays downstairs drinking. She cant get up early enough to have breakfast by even 9am, says she just feels lighted headed due to her ailments and sinus problems...funny she does not have that when she has a light drinking evening. She lies to the dr and says she only has 1 drink an evening. She also says she is 81 years old and shd be able to live her life the way she wants as long as she sits downstairs and not bother anybody. Problem is....she sits downstairs and says mean things and thinks I cant hear her. Her personality changes when she starts drinking...first drink or two shes tolerable then after those she becomes just an old drunk. She too has become the only topic my husband and I argue about. AL is not an option and my sister in laws live in 1600 miles away. Im actually getting to the point where I really dont love her let alone even like her anymore.

guamgal, I too have that feeling when I get so frustrated with the parents. Doesn't matter if mom is bedridden, can't talk or move. It's feelings of frustration, and not having a life. I gave up my dream of traveling. I gave up travelling. I gave up eating out for dinner or lunch cuz I can't find a sitter. It just sooo sucks! I try not to think about it because then I go into depression, etc... I just go with the flow..and vent, vent and more vent on this site! The people here gives me more encouragement and advice than family could.

If you want help with an answer, post your own question. On the above, click Caregiver Support and Ask a Question. Hopefully someone will be able to help you. I have no experience with family and drinking. Alzheimer - yes...but...not the combination. Take care!

I was a caregiver for both parents for over a decade, and those feelings DO come up on occasion. Often the anger and resentment are really not directed to the ones being cared for, as much as to those in the immediate family that do not offer to help in any way. If they see you are doing a good job, they simply let you continue doing that job, instead of offering to help you. Don't you find that to be true?

That is so true! But, then what excuse do they have when we ask repeatedly for help? Or that my doc says I'm now a high risk for heart attack (when dad became bedridden last year) due to my stress level "skyrocketing" ..Doc's words, not mine. Anyway, I found out just in June of this year from this site, that it's best to accept that immediate family have a right not to help, and then I can concentrate on the Now. Really works..but I still wish the family will help out physically! Especially since both parents are bedridden....

Wow. I'm just reading these posts......I am so full of anger and resentment that I hate myself for it. I just spent an hour in the kitchen pretending my dad's girlfriend was in front of me and I screamed at her about everything she says and does that is so hurtful, nasty, sarcastic, and mean. For 10 years I have kept my feelings bottled up inside because this woman scares me - she is selfish and manipulative, or bipolar, and/or mentally ill. My dad is 83 and amazingly kind and sweet, never complains about anything, eats anything, and enjoys talking (he doesn't make any sense anymore, but he tries and that's what I love about him).

I agree with the last two comments about the anger and resentment being directed at the family more than the aging parent. I have three sisters who tell me they hate my father and his girlfriend and refuse to help me. I don't want them to help me with my dad, but I would really appreciate it if they would ask me once in awhile if I need anything for ME. They don't, they never will, and it took me a very long time to forgive them. The girlfriend complains about everything and nothing is good enough for her. I cannot believe the rage I feel every time I get a call/email from her - she's hateful, stupid, selfish. I consciously stopped all communication with her, but because she is joint healthcare POA with me, the doctors call her and then she calls/emails me, etc - you can visualize the vicious cycle between me/her/doctors. I am a good person and used to have a lot of joy in my heart and in my behavior, but this woman has dragged me down so far that now I am sick and in need of my own daily healthcare treatments.

I'm wondering, dgrey63, if your husband is helping you enough? The rest of his family? Your family? I agree that respite care is paramount for your well-being. I admire your ability to change the way you're communicating with your FIL. Since your last post, I hope you are still doing well and are taking good care of yourself!

To the rest of you, may God bless us all and forgive us for our feelings of frustration!

dgrey, is he a Hospice candidate? If his doctor recommends Hospice, let them come and do an evaluation. They can take care of him and you can get your strength back. If 911 takes him to the hospital, make it clear to the discharge planner that he lives alone, they can send him to a nursing home who will manage his IV and other needs. You need a break.

your approach is too passive. you should say " you want some french toast M - F ? if not dont feed that f***** for about ten days and he'll eat cat food. be damn glad to git that too. he'll say " this is really delicious, got any more? my, if you can train an animal surely you can train an old man. god, why do i bother?
youre welcome.

captain, are you a real person? Could you come straighten things out at my house for a day or two?

How is he getting the alcohol???

What to do when the obnoxious person you are caring for is your spouse? The original comments and question, dgrey63, sound very similar to my experiences with dear husband. He has become very childlike, with all the self absorbed and immature responses of an 8 year old. This is a drastic change from the kind, considerate, and thoughtful person he was for well over 20 years. He has become belligerent, untruthful, and quick to shift blame and responsibility to me, while seemingly being unaware of the work involved in fulfilling his wishes. For example, he is eager to take a vacation, and speaks of it as a matter of just going, without acknowledging the preparation that will need to be done by me. I have a chronic illness which required me to give up my career. I've become angry, depressed, and see nothing to look forward to. I can't tell what is cognitive dysfunction and what is under his control. I've lost my closest friend. He often treats me like I owe him constant attendance to his concerns and complaints. At the same time, he expresses no interest in or concern for my feelings. I have loved my husband for many years. We've worked together through hardships. We've been that go to friend for each other. I often get angry, and I don't know what to do.

suzz353, you have every reason to be angry! Just be very aware of what you are angry at. Cognitive dysfunction is a terrible, horrible, awful disease. It robs not only the person who has it but also their closest family and loved ones of the normal pleasures of life. You did nothing to deserve this! Your husband did nothing to deserve this! Grrrr ... you both have reason to be angry. Just not at each other.

Your profile says your husband has general age related decline, but what you describe is definitely not normal again concerns. I think you would both benefit from him having a thorough medical evaluation so you know more clearly what you are dealing with.

You say you can't tell what is cognitive dysfunction and what is under his control. None of it is under his control. A medical evaluation would help you understand that, and understanding it is critical to your continued relationship. What if someone close to you were thinking, "I wonder how much her chronic illness forced her to end her career and how much is just laziness and not wanting to work?" That is outrageous to suspect, isn't it? I assure you that your husband's cognitive impairment is not his doing and not under his control.

So, my first advice is to find out as much as you can what is really wrong with the man who has been your best friend for twenty years.

My second piece of advice is get some help with your feelings. Having a spouse, a partner, a soul-mate become radically different than the person you married is an extremely traumatic and stressful life event. You are understandably angry and depressed, and you deserve help with that! Please seek our a professional therapist. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because the situation you are in is all wrong and you deserve support in dealing with it.

In addition to a therapist, once you know more precisely what your husband has, seek out a local support group of other people who are caring for loved ones with that condition and who will understand your situation.

I dealt with my husband's Lewy Body Dementia for ten years. I could not have borne that if I'd been filled with anger at him the whole time.

Thank you so much for your reply. It is so helpful to have you share your thoughts and experience. We have become rather isolated, which leaves plenty of time for fear, sadness and hopelessness to grow. We are finally beginning the testing process on Friday. I definitely need to know more about what we're dealing with. My husband is having 2nd thoughts about asking me to go with him and speak to his doctor. He seems afraid, as anyone would be. Your analogy re my disability hit home. I did face some of that and I didn't like it. In spite of the reason for the personality changes, I find that my feelings toward him have changed. That has left a huge hole where the most important part of my life use to be. I'm slowly shifting my views. We have been inseparable, steady support for one another, and that is being taken away. I know that I need to find help. Thank you again.