Aunty is coming home from NH rehab in 2 days!! How do I deal with this upcoming stress?

Hi gospelgirl,

All of the advice above is good advice. This is going to be much more difficult than you or the siblings can imagine--unless they have already experienced it. You should have more than a Plan B, you should have an alphabet of plans.

The advice to rally support is the best. This is not "backing out," but just simple logic. If your family has no experience with this, they may not understand. For that reason,you would be well advised to bring other family members along to a discussion with the doctor or the Area Agency on Aging on what is really realistic. make sure they understand that care will need a sort of "relay team." You can do it--at least on paper--but you cannot do it alone.

Gospelgirl223: I just want to commend you for your effort in asking for help. I took care of my mom and although it was difficult at times, I wouldn't trade a minute of it, as she suddenly passed away 3 months ago at what I consider a young age. I'm 55 years old and having some health problems myself, I did not take care of myself as I should have. You MUST take care of yourself in order to be of Good Cheer and help to your Aunt. Try not to think of it as a burden, but as a Service and sacrifice. That seemed to help me through the days of sleeping in a chair on the last hospital visit she would have. I also tried to put myself in (HER) shoes. Who wants to lay in urine or poop? If I would not have been with my mom, even with 24/7 care, she would not get changed. We will all be old or disabled in one way or another someday. I have no family left that would be willing to care for me, although I do have a 28 year old son and daughter-in-law. I'm shopping around for my NH now🙏😇❤️. Good Luck and my Prayers are with you.

Why did the granddaughter get her released and you are the one mostly taking care of her? If this is something you want, you will need to be very disciplined in how you schedule for both your needs and your aunt's to be met. Are you able to do that -- and will her granddaughter cooperate? Be sure you've covered all the bases, dear. I respect that you are willing to care for your aunt -- especially when most advice these days goes against bringing an elderly family member into your home. Neither option is "bad", just be honest about what is viable and what is not. Good luck.

One more question. If "they" don't believe you are capable to care for yourself, how would adding more physical challenges and responsibility for you be a "good thing"? It seems your family is trying to have it "both ways"... A calm and pointed discussion needs to occur in which everyone's "expectations" are considered?

You need to get to your doctor before Auntie arrives (hoping this can be postponed for a week or more)!! Tell your doctor what is about to happen and listen to what he/she says. Talk to the social worker at rehab and be honest about your own health; have your cousin there as well. This is a family situation and the two most important people involved need to be taken into consideration equally before Auntie comes home.

You can still stay in the house and help out as appropriate for your health. Full time care should be there for Auntie when other family members are not available. Sounds like she is going to require a lot of physical assistance and that could certainly put your own wellbeing at risk. Good luck!

P.S. Nothing was said about the cousin POA. In case she hasn't a clue, let her read these comments you have received. Sometimes family members have no hint as to the reality of the caregiving situation.

I just want to support all of the above. Throw guilt and people pleasing out the window. Get another place for her because you will never be the same person. I just did about 2 months of care giving for a patient like this. She drove her two adult daughters crazy and I realized that no matter what I did, it would be crazy for me and quit. Your health will be affected, so just take a long look at this, step back, and realize that your life has to take priority. Take control, find her a place and move on with your worthy life. If you do not, you will feel terribly unworthy in a short time and you do not deserve this.

Gospelgirl, you have a great support team here. Even with different opinions everybody is very caring and respectful. You are lucky to have so many people with such vast experience, take time out of there busy lives to help you find the perfect solution. I think all the advice is good here, I hope you follow it! Good luck finding your way! Let us know how it goes...

While she is in rehab ask granddaughter to have her evaluated. Explain that u don't feel u can take care of her. This is the time it would be easiest to get her into an AL. If u r on SSI or SS there are resourses out there. Check to see if u can get housing based on income. Sounds like even ur Aunt doesn't own her home. If she dies, will u be able to stay. Maybe this is the time to be on ur own.

I think you have received very good comments and suggestions.
My instant thought was. gee you cant work because of YOUR disability.... but now being expected to be FIVE folk for your aunt !!!
that's the cook n cleaner, the 3x 8 hr nurses, 1 admin and manager... so when are you going to sleep ???? when are you getting care for yourself
What is your training, ???? nurse, cook, admin ?????
and for how long.
Now my Ma has had strokes and all they did in her case was remove her ability to cope, no real physical changes. Yes we need more info, but that to me is the blunt facts, based on what you have told us.
Also the fact that your subject heading uses the word stress, worries me mostly for you. FIND that other facilty now

Your aunt should stay in the NH. They didn't do their job and that is NOT a reason to send her home. That unbelievable!

Home health may be able to come in for a while. Contact your local area agency on aging and ask about their in home services. If she has Medicaid she may be eligible for other services. If she's been in a facility for a while, she should be back to walking, even if she is using a walker it makes it so much easier to care for her. As a caregiver, you must care for yourself first or you won't be able to care for anyone else, so sometime during the day you can do something for yourself. You can read or watch a sit com, do your nails or just have a cup of coffee or tea. You can do this, don't hesitate to ask for the assistance of other family members. If she is not walking on her own, she may be eligible for physical therapy to come into her home, make sure you ask about rehab potential an ask the therapist to show you what you need to know. You can always speak with a long term care ombudsman about your aunts concerns regarding her care in the nursing home. I know staff are busy but residents shouldn't have a lengthy wait in order to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry that happened to her. Try not to 'get worked up' about providing care for her. Take one step at a time, don't worry if something takes longer than you think it should-it's ok. The AAA also has caregiver supports and services. Use them, it helps to connect with other caregivers. You are not alone, there are many family and other caregivers. Good luck

My Mom has Parkinson's and broke her hip last year from a fall. After the fall she had surgery and had to stay at a rehab for 20 days. I was her live in Caregiver before the fall but little did I realize how my Caregiving job was about to change for the worse after the rehab discharge. Her fracture did heal but she never has been the same because her balance is off from the Parkinson's Disease. I have been non-stop having to do everything since the fracture over a year ago. Where she goes... I go. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT GospelGirl223. You better call your Area County Office for the Aging since you mentioned you have a disability. I ask my Higher Power every day to help me live through this. Eat Right, Exercise etc....

Your post really concerns me. This is going to be more than keeping your aunt company and getting her meals, this will involve hands on physical care. I have had to work out to be sure I have the upper body strength to be able to lift and turn my mom, how will you manage??? If you had difficulty helping her before it will be much harder now if she can not get up and down or walk on her own. How will she transfer from her wheelchair to the commode/toilet? What about getting in and out of bed and getting dressed, I assume she will need help with that? Even if you have aides several times a week you will still need to fill in the bulk of the time.Please just don't compromise your health if it is too much for you, keep the POA on speed dial and get her to step up if you need help with ANYTHING!

Allow her the benefits provided in rehab, and keep her there until she graduates.
Another benefit is that the insurance is paying?
Visit more often. It is, as was said before, common to cry at anytime after a stroke, this may go on for more than a year.
Will she have her own room, because you can offer your since you should be moving out. (I am actually for large families living together, until this is going to be detrimental to one, don't be a martyr, please).

The past? Leave those mistakes in the past, as far as the east is from the west.
Nowhere else to go? Rent a room with your disability check, in a supported living environment, with a kind person you can willingly share accountability with.
Who is there with you right now to prevent you from making another serious mistake? See someone who can counsel you with your best interests at heart.
Where is the POA, and how is that person allowed to plan on using a disabled person? Or, do they not have the common sense foresight that you have been gifted with???

2 Days, coming home? Am I too late to help you?
Let's focus on your new job: You, one person with a disability, are going to take over caregiving of a patient that an entire staff of professionals were not able to perform to her satisfaction, or to the POA's satisfaction? Then, before the patient can get better, you are going to be there for her thinking home health will make up the difference of the staff from rehab not being able to help her. And you maybe think family, who have ready judged you incapable of living alone, are going to help you out in this situation? Or, are they going to judge you when once again, your aunt is found incontinent? Don't hesitate for a minute, give notice of your impending long term vacation. If the results are anger, you are living in a toxic environment and must leave to recover from your disability. You can pay your aunt back in later years for helping you with a temporary home. This is the downside, looking af your situation. Others will have more positive advice.

Ditto to everything that's been said! Please don't do it! MyAuntie had no children. She is now 87. She wandered away from her home in March, was found and taken to a hospital. They kept her for a week but had to release her because we could not find or afford a nursing home for her. She stayed with me for 5 days and it was a nightmare (she has dementia). We had to temporarily place her in assisted living. It's worth the sacrifice for us. Trying to get veterans survivor benefits for her to help with the cost. Good luck with whatever you decide. God bless you...and your auntie.

The stress, just thinking about the issues, can cause you to once again have seizures, your medication may stop working, see your doctor. Be sure to get a note from the doctor to state how you cannot work.

Do not miss your own doctor's appointment. This is just advice,you don't have to take it. You deserve to take it.

This might sound dumb and even a little bit selfish, but I am disappointed because now that she will be home, I am going to have to miss a major church function next week because it is an all-day event and everyone will expect me to make Aunty the priority. What if I can't get anyone to
come over for the day? I have been

looking forward to and rehearsing for the
activity, which is an annual event. Aunty
used to attend the same church years ago,
so she understands how special this is.

You MUST not cancel your doctor's appointments and you should not allow youself to become a prisoner in your own home. (I take it you do not have a way to get both her and you transportations for outings - maybe there is an option there, e.g. a wheelchair taxi service or van service from the medical facility?) IF and ONLY IF you can get enough help so you can go take care of yourself and not risk injury to youself, as well as to her, should you consider taking her home.

A decent facility would make sure you and she can actually manage her transfers safely before letting her go home with you. Post hip surgery there are exercises and specific precuations that must be followed, including not flexing or adducting that hip more than 90 degrees or neutral and if youdo nto know what that means, they did not instruct you properly.

Please do not try to do something you can't do, whether out of guilt or best intentions. Either it is safe and doable for you and the help you will have, or it is not, and if it is not you MUST not do it. The therapists at the rehab should have been working with you already. Don't just let them off the hook.

You need to speak up to relatives. Tell them u have plans and will need someone to watch Auntie. Don't ask, tell. Do u pay rent? If so, they taking advantage. If u don't pay then I can see them assuming. Since granddaughter seems to be in charge, u need to explain u don't mind helping but ur limited and will need help. You r not a slave.

Gospel Girl. I am 49. I took care of my grandmother for 6 years full time. Little to know help from other family members. Her one living child (My Aunt) lived a couple miles away and dropped off a meal now and then. She was little to know help. And the help she gave, came with a cost, putting in her opinions about medications and health care needs, when she only came in for a few minutes a week. One time she even let a caregiver go, For the last 4 months I had a caregiver coming in to relieve me a few days a week. I was then able to go home and sleep and not worry AS MUCH about my grandmother (who raised me).

My Aunt heard my Grandmother complain about having strangers (caregiver who relieved me) in her house. My grandmother had vascular dementia. So she was not rational. But my aunt didnt like to hear her complain and because she HAD NO IDEA what went into the day to day care of my grandmother, she let the caregivers go. Also, we finally got my grandmother calmed down some with medication and my aunt thought certain drugs were dangerous or addictive and took those away from her.

It is not easy! You not only go through seeing a loved one suffering and feeling like you are the ONE who has to fix all problems as best you can, you also have to follow doctors orders and deal with outside family members....all while dealing with the "patient".... it is so hard. I ended up getting palsey, half my face went paralized from stress, my blood pressure went up. In the end..... Gram is gone....and I am on all the medications she was on....and I am over 40 years younger....As a matter of fact, I am on stronger blood pressure medicine...than she was. Maybe because she put her mom into a home. Because she knew her limits.

It is a very hard decision to make.

You already have your own health issues. You are going to be taking a chance with your own health. Actually, you wont be taking a chance. It is certain to take it's tole.

You mentioned that you would have no where to live if you dont take care of her. It sounds like your family is taking advantage of you. Because they obviously already know your health limitations and they are willing to put more stress on you.

They are willing, because it wont effect them. They are watching out for their own well being and lives.

One day your aunt will be gone and the house sold. You may need to start looking into where you will live. Because if your life counts on your aunt, you will have to realize that she wont always be there.

What you CAN DO, is call a social worker to come to the nursing home, to her home, to interview you and your aunt and let the social worker DECIDE if this is safe for you and your aunt. You both may qualify for HELP. HELP for two people in the home, could work.

If not, social worker can let the family know that you are not legally, physically able to take care of your Aunt. That way its not YOU saying you cant, but a social worker.

Calling a social worker, is best, someone should be on top of your Aunts case anyways, making sure everything is working out for your aunts well being.

After taking care of my grandmother for 6 years, doctors said I have Post traumatic stress syndrome. It wasnt all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, diaper changing, doctors appts, hospital stays...that hurt me... It was the stress of seeing my loved one suffering and feeling alone in trying to help her. Also no one else will ever understand what it takes, and all that goes into being a caregiver for your loved one.

We dont do it for recognition and thanks. But realize that the person will most like never be thankful or realize that you are helping. Your 'patient" will most likely not be happy with anything you do. It's not their fault, they cant rationalize everything.

You really DO NOT need to be lifing your aunt from chair to bed.

My father in law is now in the same situation your aunt. Strokes and knee replacements. He has enough kids and 7 of them are willing to give 24 hours a day a week to taking care of him. My husband is one of them. Seems like an ideal situation. Except for the fact that before the first month was up, a few have already said its too hard and are backing out. My husband has not backed out. But he comes home after on 24 hour shift, exhausted with no sleep. He comes home to nap and get ready for his real job.

The exhaustion from being a caretaker, does not come only from the physical aspects.....but A LOT from the emotional aspects of caring for the patients emotional needs as well as their physical needs.

For your sake, I would call a social worker to come and give you the best advice for your well being and your aunts.

If you care about yourself and your own well being, you will take the advice, so many are giving you.

God bless you and be your ever present help in time of need.

I would want my neice to have a life, to go to the event, and if I were able, would ask for relief for her myself.

Wait, are your priorities mixed up? Is it okay to cancel your doctor's appt., then go to the event, or cancel that too?
Re-schedule your doctor's appointment. First, go to that.

Go to your event! Do not become a martyr. Bring in an agency for a few hours if necessary. You will need the ME time!

Have you not read all this advice? Yesterday, roughly 50 knowledgable people told you not to fall into the biggest mistake of your life and you're worried about not making a picnic? I'm beginning to see why your relatives elected you to give up your life. If you don't open your eyes, you are going to miss a lot more than a picnic, you'll be trapped in a living h*ll with no escape. I suggest you sit down and read all these posts again very carefully. They have been where you are going and realize you can stop the wrecking ball, but you are not listening. Once Auntie is out of the nursing home, there's no turning back. What is your plan gospelgirl?

No doubt this is one of the most difficult things you will do and from experience most people wouldnt choose to do this. My wife and I are presented with the same decision.
You are going to make the decision you can live with. Its overwhelming when we feel we have no options. Create more options and certainly a way out. Those off us that find ourself in a caregiving situations know that things change. Trial basis. Her care is of high importance, so is yours. Let her know how this effects you and that you are not sure you can do it. Trial basis. Be as honest as you can with her. It sounds like you will have a hard not trying. It will be stressful. How could it not be. It may also be one of the most incredible human experience you have in life. Things change. Love gives people strength beyond what is normal. I dont believe you can completely predict what caregiving situations will demand or what this will give to you in the end.
I pushed for years to care for my 95 year old mother in law. We remodeled, she moved in then shortly aftrrwards had a stroke that landed her in rehab and adult care home. Surprise! She just gave 30 day notice to come home without talking with us first. We know hour anxiety. We are being brutily honest care options, wether we can even do it. We are drawing on Doctors to help deliver the bad news. We are also being honest with her should we not be able to carry this load, should it become a burden. In this time where people are "self centered" your moral charater has "nudged" yourself to do something that many are scared to death of. There was a time when family wouldn't have thougt twice about what to do. May Jehovah, you strenghth to cope with a load that will be hard but one you will draw on the rest of your life.

There are other aunts and uncles, who may have adult children.