Aunty is coming home from NH rehab in 2 days!! How do I deal with this upcoming stress?

Aunty threw a tantrum and you gave in. You are about to become a 24/7 caregiver. Do you really want to do this? Maybe you and the granddaughter should set the emotions aside and ask what the facility would recommend for aunty. Perhaps Assisted Living would be better for her, and it could save your life. I just don't see how a disabled person could survive this.

See If your Aunt qualifies for Medicaid, the State might allow a trained Caregiver come in to help for a couple hours. Also check to see if your State is one of those States that has a “Cash and Counseling” program to help you out, it‘s worth looking into. Note that each State has their own rules, regulations, and programs.

Also contact your county agency on aging for programs such as Case Management, Meals on Wheels, Adult Day Care, housing, care referrals, etc,... go to the website link below.... click on your State.... now click on the city/county. https://www.agingcare.com/local/Area-Agency-on-Aging

And please come back to the forums if you have any Caregiving questions, we would be more than happy to share our experiences with you, and give you ideas on what to do.

If you really adore this auntie and you plan on devoting your life to her, go ahead. On the other hand, once she is in your home, you'll be stuck with her whether you like it or not. She's obviously needs much care and that will be very hard on you. I would tell her family that you've changed your mind. You will become a prisoner in your own home, she will treat you worse than the staff at the nursing home and will soon expect you to wait on her hand and foot. It is a thankless job, I'd back out or your life will never be the same. You have a big heart for even entertaining the idea.

ilovemom2...changing my mind is not an option. I live here and really have nowhere else to go. It is technically her home because she owns it with my other aunts and uncles (it was her parents' house).If I back out , family thinks I'm incapable of living alone because of some mistakes I made in the past.

You have the option. DON'T DO IT. I took my mom in and its the worst thing I have ever done. Even if she is the sweetest kindest woman on earth it will change. Please don't let guilt play a role in this. Its the worst feeling ever. It will be harder to get out of once you do start looking after her. And as for her family eventually they will not help even if they say it now it will stop later on I can guarantee you this. All the best to you.

NOBODY can do this alone. The people who are successful have a tag team of others coming in to support the patient, be it relatives and/or paid professionals. You need to do a lot of research to learn what your options are... and work with the granddaughter who made this decision for you... it's up to her to figure out how it's going to work. BTW, it sounds like your aunt needs to be in Assisted Living now.

Even if it is their house, she is not ready to be released from rehab. If she couldn't walk to the bathroom on her own and wet herself, then she is not ready to leave. We paid twenty dollars an hour for someone to care for my mom in her home, are they going to pay you? Even finding and arranging around-the-clock care is a big job. I would have loved to have one of my cousins care for my mom, but they would not do it for $20 an hour, they wouldn't do it for their own mom. Tell the family that auntie needs to be up and walking before you can care for her, blame it on your disability. I'd start looking for for another place to live if they expect to turn you into a caregiver for free, just because you live in the same house. Are they hiring someone to help you at least? I'd do whatever it takes today to turn this ship around. Bless your heart, you are going to have your hands full, if you don't speak up for yourself today! Good luck, let us know how it goes, we are here to help!

Caregiving is a hard stressful job. I don't see how you are going to be able to do it as a disabled person. My husband is disabled and I am a 24/7 caregiver to my mother also. Your health will suffer. Sounds like your family is taking advantage of you because you live there. Use your states resources and move out if you can. Do NOT take on this responsibility. Your aunt will learn to adjust there.

Caregiving is not an easy job but just because is classified as disabled doesn't mean they can't do. Rather then suggesting that she run as fast as she can i would suggest that ypou and granddaughter sit down and figure out the care schedule, who will cover the medical issues. Which family members are willing to commit to the aunts caregiving. You can not do this alone but you can do it. There is always the option that if it doesn't work out you go to your plan B. There are a lot of factors and background info we don't know so I am hesitant to say run, it won't work.

After trying to find sitters - or any help we could afford - I was 24/7 caregiver for my mamma when she became unable to care for herself. I managed for awhile but really think this through before committing to the most difficult thing you will ever try to do. We auctioned off the property and mamma is now warm safe and dry (a biggee) in a 24/7 memory care unit. It will be very difficult to make other arrangements after she goes home. Only do this if you are truly willing to give up your life because after a short while the bitterness and resentment will rear their ugly heads. As much as I love mamma this was the best decision for all around for my family. I will say intentional prayers for you to be guided to the right choice.

Hi, Gospelgirl; I sympathize with you. This situation comes with stress, but try to remain calm as you consider all aspects. Since you say you are on disability, have you asked your doctor what he/she thinks about this?

It may help to share a few more details about your and your aunt's situation. For example: Did you two live together in her home before she broke her hip, and if so, how was it?--were you relatively happy living together? Do any of the other aunts/uncles live in the home?

Is she still mentally sharp? How far ahead of the expected discharge date is this? What 'home care' will there be? Will therapists/nurses, and other family be involved in the immediate aftermath of her homecoming? Is she expected to be fairly independent after she gets through rehab? How involved are any other family members in her day-to-day care?

Each situation is unique. Returning home after rehab can work wonders for elderly
people. I've seen that. I don't blame your aunt for getting upset when nobody comes to help her to the bathroom. Who knows what else happened to her that day. Perhaps that was the straw that broke the camel's back. But if she comes home, it has to be to a situation that works for everyone involved, including you. Her granddaughter POA should have a 'Plan B' anyway. Freqflyer has offered some good advice on how she can obtain advice/possible help.

Momcare, she has one day before the discharge and Auntie can't even walk yet, if I'm reading her correctly. As suggested, more information would help us guide better, like what is the disability?

I do agree with all the post's. It's hard to grasp when you haven't taken care of a loved one at home. I brought my mother to live with me four years ago. I did not expect to take care of her so long. One year turned into two. Two years turned into three three years is almost four. It's been a nightmare. My life has changed drastically. I have no freedom or privacy. I never thought I would come to resentment t my mother but I have. I have become somewhat bitter over my role as a caretaker. It really takes a physical and emotional toll on you when you become someone's caretaker. The demands are too much. I'm sure you love your aunt, but consider assistant living. You have to take care of yourself and make wise decisions right now or you may be in a situation you will learn to hate, then feel stuck. This may be hard for you to understand, but care taking takes on a whole life of it's own and then people who have never care taken seem to think it's not that intense but it is. I wish you the best.

like everyone else says please don't do this. If you have a disability it will be very hard. I took care of my dad for 3 months with two hips that needed to be replaced and it nearly killed me and it has aged me at least 10 years. I look 10 years older and I am only 50. if you have a physical or mental disability caring for someone will be too hard for you. Please please call the Area Agency on Aging or any other agency you can find and ask for help. At least get caregivers that come to the house maybe around the clock if you can arrange it and you can oversee her care if you have to live there. It sounds like you are stuck living there but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to care for your aunt. You have to nip this in the bud now or it will probably kill you. I know you feel stuck and I bet your family is like mine and they expect you to take on this difficult job because you're disabled and you don't work so why wouldn't you be able to take care of her because in their minds you're not doing anything. That is how my family treated me and I finally called their bluff and what do you know it turns out they can help after all. I almost lost a job over this last issue that we are having right now. Ask for help and God bless

Have you considered where you'll live if your aunt passes in the years to come? I feel you're taking on more than you can handle! Just seeing after my mom and paying caregivers to stay nights with her, as she insists on staying in her home at 89, is extremely stressful! At times I just want to ruin away so can't imagine having her 27/7! If you're disabled you should be looking ahead for your well being! If your family is like most families they'll forget really fast that you cared for her and if she passes you'll be looking for a place to live! My advice: don't take on this responsibility! I'm sure Being disabled is hard enough without caregiver's responsibilities! If you think other family members will help I fear you'll be greatly disappointed! My prayers are with you!

Correction: 24/7!

Also, momcsreFL is right. ask your doctor what they think about you being a caregiver and have your doctor say that you are unable to care for someone as caring for yourself is all you are capable of and that you actually need more care such as physical therapy for example. That is a great idea. get your doctor involved or even just tell a little white lie and say you had been to the doctor and they think that is not a good idea as it will make your condition worse. Do whatever you need to say to take the blame off of you.

Sounds like you feel you have no choice but to live in her house. If this is truly the case the "price" or your rent is about to increase significantly. Have you made plans for when she passes? Will the aunts and uncle want to sell their parents home and use that towards alleviating their own retirement?
Taking care of Aunt may be the right thing to do or it may be too much. She may be a sweetie or morph into a tyrant. Comitt to doing what you can, try, stretch, but do not kill yourself. She may need a NH eventually, you may need your own place eventually. I would start planning for my own independence.

Gospelgirl223 sorry I am reading through the post again because I feel very strongly about this issue. I just read about the family doesn't think you can live alone because of mistakes you made in the past. Well my family always brings up the one big mistake I made and it was 20 years ago. if you can't go to therapy start reading about it online about setting boundaries and don't let them treat you like that. Life will not end if you don't do what your family watch you to do. Yes they will be mad at you or disapprove but you have to be strong and it will blow over. I am learning this in baby steps finally the last few years and you will be amazed. Please try and save yourself. you are a great person and do not deserve to be treated as the bad one in the family. I totally hear you.

Put YOUR foot down! They will not release her if you stick to your guns and tell them you will not provide the necessary care. That it is beyond you ability or even desire! Stop this process!

I have multiple disabilities. .clubfoot/mild cerebral palsy from birth, glaucoma, some short-term memory problems due to previous seizures now controlled by medication, and not to mention the "normal" things that come with being 52 like high cholesterol and high blood pressure. It's just the two of us here together; we were relatively happy except for occasional disagreements over things like household chores or her insistence on "micro-managing" my personal life (i.e., trying to boss me around and tell me her opinion on my decisions). She is still mentally sharp; the stroke affected her more physically than mentally). There is supposed to be home P.T. and , I think, nursing care, but I don't know the frequency of the visits. She will be discharged this Monday, so I am scrambling to get the house ready. No one else in the family is involved with the day-to-day care but me and her granddaughter (my cousin), who would also do the transportation-related tasks because I do not drive any more due to my vision problems.

Yep, I came from a big strong catholic family, I never thought my mother's care would rip us apart. My brothers were very supportive, but worked full time and have young families. My sister's lived near my mom and were no where to be found when my mother needed them the most. I lived 4 1/2 hours away and had to move back home because nobody wanted the job. I had to leave my husband, home and shut the doors on my business to take care of mom. Finally my brothers and I put her in assisted living and it was lovely. Best decision we ever made.

Considering your own multiple health problems, it seems to me like you have more than enough stress just taking care of your own needs.

While you may be "stuck" since your aunt is being discharged you may get lucky and find an opening in a nursing facility. Yes, she will cry and not want to go. Strokes can make people have crying "breakdowns." I'm not down playing your aunt's distress but her emotions may be over the top from her strokes as well as the trauma of the hip. That’s understandable. But you are looking for the best, overall, for your family.

If you can't place your aunt quickly, then she'll have to come home with you, but keep looking for a facility that can take her. Most of us hate to see our loved ones upset and your aunt is bound to fight this move. But how can you possibly take decent care of yourself and still tend to her needs?

Sometimes the best for our loved one is to have younger, stronger bodies do the heavy lifting. You could visit daily if the facility is close and that is what you want to do. At least you could visit frequently and be her advocate to make certain she gets the care that she needs.

Accidents will happen - no facility other than those that only very wealthy people can afford - will offer one on one care. However, if the care is satisfactory over all, this is probably your best option.

Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.

Take care of yourself - it's vital that you do so.
Carol

I am also worried about how to lift her from bed to chair or commode now with her bad hip. It was enough of a challenge before...once I actually fell because I'm not "even" on both sides; one leg is longer than the other one, and her "dead weight" leaned on my weak side and we fell on the couch together. Luckily my 11 year old cousin was staying here at the time and he helped me out. Is there anything special that I would need to know about lifting a post-hip replacement patient? ?

You are guessing about future events that have not happened yet. If you do not think you can handle the stress, then professional help would be in order. Getting yourself stressed before an event in needless because 98% of worrying never happens. You do not describe your disability, but you need to be honest about what and how much stress you can handle. No sense in making yourself more ill.

There is one thing you must do before she comes home. Get a contract in writing and notarized. Since it sounds like you need to live there, it sounds like your about to become a live-in caregiver and companion. List that you are willing to do this for 8 hours a day, with guaranteed time off every week, in exchange for room and board and utilities. If you must cook for her, your food should be included also. I also think you should be compensated as well, but check your disability laws on how much you are able make, before it affects your disability payment. You should check to see how much it costs to have live-in help, and what responsibilities they have and for how many hours. You can negotiate with that information for yourself. Make sure there is a plan in place for the rest. Made an appointment with her primary physician ASAP. If your Aunt if not able to go, go yourself and explain the caregiving situation and that you are disabled. The primary doctor will be an asset in getting you home care. You have to stay in touch with the doctor with updates so the care will continue. At least that will give you some break. Like others have said, stay in touch with problems as they arise. Good Luck.

Just remembered something else. ..this means that I will have to cancel my upcoming doctor appointments since I won't be able to leave the house now!!! :(

Gospelgirl223, your aunt should have Medicare Nursing Home Care when she is released from rehab. Someone should make sure her doctor has requested the evaluation. A nurse will come to the home and evaluate what she needs as far as physical and occupational therapy. The nurse will recognize that you are not physically able to move her. See an article on this site by John Roberts, "Getting Medicare to Pay for Nursing Home Care".

Good idea from mar126 - a nurse should be able to see that this is not a long-term solution and help you find a different option. Your having to cancel your own doctor appointments because you can't leave isn't a good option - she needs to know that.

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. I am the same age. Your aunt and her granddaughter are not thinking of you at all, but they are under stress. Tell them you are not up for it, because you are not. One third of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for because it takes a lot of strength. It is a life changing experience. It is very stressful and once it's in motion it hard to get out of it and you have high blood pressure to begin with. Without being able to drive, you will even have a harder time. You need to put yourself first, you have a big heart, but your aunt needs to stay right where she is until she is independent again. I've been right were you are, once she is back home the in-home care goes away quickly and you will be stuck. I'm sorry to be so frank, but I want for you to go into this knowing what you're in for, while you still have time
to change it. When my mom was release from rehab, the nursing care was an occasional visit. My mom would tell the PTs not to come and they would listen to her. It was one problem after another and I had in-home care helping every day for five years.