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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Your brother doesn't wish to take part in caregiving. He has made that clear. He is not obligated to do so. If you are caring for your parent/s you should have a solid care contract for shared living cost and other costs you feel you should be paid for.
Your brother didn't agree with your decision. He wanted to put them in a nursing home. Your parent's decision to completely disrespect your free labor and lodging has nothing to do with your brother. They could make it fair, but they choose not to. My own parents have asked me to be their (free) caregiver so we can split everything equally (with my brothers) when they pass. I have declined. You now get to decide where you go from here.
Why are your parents living with you and are you providing care for them? Are they paying their FAIR SHARE of ALL household expenses? If not they should be. If there are 4 of you living in the house they should be paying 1/2 of mortgage, property taxes, gas, electric, garbage, cable/internet, food and any maintenance such as snow removal, lawn care..... If you are providing "caregiving" you should also be compensated for that. (check what the hourly rate is in your area) They can also pay for caregivers that will help out. Notice I said THEY can pay for caregivers. If they are not willing to pay you for all the above you can tell them that they can either move to an AL facility or find an apartment or move in with brother.
Don't bother asking for his help, you will not get it. You can not change him so you have to change your expectations.
If you are referring to your mom wanting her assets to be split 50/50 between you and your brother, even though you do all the care, I would abide by your mom's wishes. I, like you, chose to care for both of my parents. I have three siblings who rarely if ever even visited. My mom had a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy and she had dementia. I inherited the Muscular Dystrophy from my mom. It required a lot of strength to care for her, which I was losing. Thank goodness I had a solid foundation of nursing skills. My dad had cancer. Both of my parents wanted to avoid being placed in a nursing home. They had asked all of us siblings if we would split their care between us. Everyone had excuses except me. I said that I would take care of them myself, and my siblings could give me breaks when needed. I received no breaks at all, but I never regretted caring for them. I chose to do it. I knew that my parents assets and belongings would be split between us four equally. I was not paid to care for my parents, though every few months my dad would deposit a hundred dollars into my bank account. My dad passed 5 months later. I continued to care for my mom for two more years. Right after she passed, one of my siblings went to my parents lake home and took all of my moms collectibles and her collection of rare bills that my mom and I collected together. She also my dad's coin collection and everything else she felt had value. She left boxes strewn around and things she didn't want were tossed wherever they landed. When I was finally ready to go through my parents belongings with my siblings, my sister failed to show. That's when we learned that she had already helped herself. My brother was the executed of their will. Both he and my other sister were adopted. My younger sister and I were natural children. To me, we were all natural children. My natural sister, who had taken all their belongings, decided she had a right to be the executor and hired an attorney to challenge my brother. She actually called me and told me when the court date would be and that I would be called to support her claims. I told her that there was no way in he'll that I would support her and her attorney can put me down as a hostile defense witness because I would testify on my brother behalf. My brother was the best option in my opinion. If I were you, I would be thankful that you are getting half. I would rather have received some of my mom's collectables, especially the rare bills that I collected with my mom, than any cash award. Those bills were special memories between my mom and me. Just to see her eyes light up when I would show her a new Confederate Bill I had received. I did most of the finding and acquiring of the collection while my mom sorted the bills and excitedly showed others our collection. Anyways, I asked my sister to give me that collection as it was my mom's and mine and my sister never collected them. She had already pawned them. So be thankful for whatever you get. Keep your brother as close to you as possible. My situation is sadly a common issue and it can destroy and sever family ties in seconds. By the way, my sister lost in court. She lost three siblings too.
She deserved to lose. What a terrible person she was . I would disown her completely out of my life and make sure she’s excluded from your will. If you have a trust she cannot contest it.
Why are you listening to your parents? They don’t get to call the shots. You are propping them up so in their minds things are perfectly fine the way they are.
You are the only one who can change things and what you are doing is not sustainable for you. 30% of caregivers die before the people they are caring for.
What will happen to your parents if you die before they do?
You have a lot of thinking to do about how you are going to get yourself out of this.
Do you get 8 hours sleep a night? Do you eat healthy foods and drink 8 glasses of water a day and take walks daily to help manage stress? When was the last time you went for a checkup? The dentist?
If you aren’t taking the time to take care of yourself, then you need to change something so that you can.
You deal with it by having parents move out to assisted living , or your parents pay for help to come to the house . You should also be paid for caring for them if you continue to do so , as well as your parents should be contributing to their share of food and utility bills. You could also charge rent if you want. And eldercare lawyer could draw up a contract . It’s up to you , it’s your house . Your brother is not forcing you to be a caregiver. Your parents can’t insist or force it on either of you either.
My sister pretty much said the same thing when my mother passed away leaving my Dad needing a lot of help - not just processing his grief and adjusting to live alone (this was before he needed assisted living). It really hurt to have her say, "He has to go into assisted living. He can't expect us to look after him." She said that well before he needed the extra care of assisted living, was still driving and capable of taking care of his home. She never did help with any of the support or work involved in his care. We get all the excuses that have been mentioned here but there is money and time for nice vacations and travels. I'm fortunate I have a husband who has been an enormous support and help in all this. My Dad's will is 50-50. She has to live with herself. I know that he made a lot of sacrifices for us as kids and I'm doing right by him.
You don't have to have your parents live with you. Since they have money to leave to their children, have them use it to move to assisted living. Then you can reclaim your life with the same freedom your brother has.
You're brother is right. He is not obligated, nor are you, to become full time slaves to your parents' needs. If your parents simply need help temporarily while recovering and expect to make a full recovery to independent living, then consider hiring (with parent's money) an in-home caregiver. When dad is released from hospital, if he is not 100%, or capable of being independent, then his doctor should transfer him to a skilled nursing home for rehab and recovery before going home. Same with your mom, after her injuries, she could be in a skilled care facility while she recovers.
If their health is declining, and they are not expected to ever become independent again, then, yes, it is time for a care home. If you want to take on this job of caring for their every need at home, then that is your choice, your decision to make. You can not make anyone else make the same choice. And if your parents guilt you and your brother into doing this, it is because it is the easiest choice for them. Everything in nature, including us humans, follows the path of least resistance. For them, it is expecting you to take care of them, so they don't have to consider any other options. Many of us come to our family's aid in times of need, but when it becomes more than you can do, it's ok to say you can't do it. We hear this story here all the time! Siblings try to divvy up the duties evenly, and the one who is doing all the work gets frustrated because no one else ever volunteers to help, if you are already doing it. Just stop doing it and see what your brother does and what your parents do to manage their own adult lives.
The two things — how assets are split between siblings in the will, and who does how much if any caregiving — are entirely unrelated.
If you took this on expecting remuneration for it, you should have gotten that clarified and her will updated beforehand. Or, maybe you could have drawn up a contract for her to pay you hourly wages and benefits.
I also do a lot of care for my mother and see her three times per week whereas my brother visits once per year. Like you, my mother designated all her assets be split 50/50 when she dies. I knew that was her will all along.
Its not a question of “deserve” or “fairness” or even “who is her favorite” or “who does she love the most.”
We all made our own decisions.
You could also have discussed with your parents them paying their share of household expenses before they moved in with you. Or them not moving in, and hiring help.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you are caring for your parent/s you should have a solid care contract for shared living cost and other costs you feel you should be paid for.
Are they paying their FAIR SHARE of ALL household expenses?
If not they should be.
If there are 4 of you living in the house they should be paying 1/2 of mortgage, property taxes, gas, electric, garbage, cable/internet, food and any maintenance such as snow removal, lawn care.....
If you are providing "caregiving" you should also be compensated for that. (check what the hourly rate is in your area)
They can also pay for caregivers that will help out. Notice I said THEY can pay for caregivers.
If they are not willing to pay you for all the above you can tell them that they can either move to an AL facility or find an apartment or move in with brother.
Don't bother asking for his help, you will not get it.
You can not change him so you have to change your expectations.
You are the only one who can change things and what you are doing is not sustainable for you. 30% of caregivers die before the people they are caring for.
What will happen to your parents if you die before they do?
You have a lot of thinking to do about how you are going to get yourself out of this.
Do you get 8 hours sleep a night? Do you eat healthy foods and drink 8 glasses of water a day and take walks daily to help manage stress? When was the last time you went for a checkup? The dentist?
If you aren’t taking the time to take care of yourself, then you need to change something so that you can.
How old are your parents? How old are you?
It’s up to you , it’s your house .
Your brother is not forcing you to be a caregiver. Your parents can’t insist or force it on either of you either.
If your parents simply need help temporarily while recovering and expect to make a full recovery to independent living, then consider hiring (with parent's money) an in-home caregiver. When dad is released from hospital, if he is not 100%, or capable of being independent, then his doctor should transfer him to a skilled nursing home for rehab and recovery before going home. Same with your mom, after her injuries, she could be in a skilled care facility while she recovers.
If their health is declining, and they are not expected to ever become independent again, then, yes, it is time for a care home. If you want to take on this job of caring for their every need at home, then that is your choice, your decision to make. You can not make anyone else make the same choice. And if your parents guilt you and your brother into doing this, it is because it is the easiest choice for them. Everything in nature, including us humans, follows the path of least resistance. For them, it is expecting you to take care of them, so they don't have to consider any other options.
Many of us come to our family's aid in times of need, but when it becomes more than you can do, it's ok to say you can't do it.
We hear this story here all the time! Siblings try to divvy up the duties evenly, and the one who is doing all the work gets frustrated because no one else ever volunteers to help, if you are already doing it.
Just stop doing it and see what your brother does and what your parents do to manage their own adult lives.
If you took this on expecting remuneration for it, you should have gotten that clarified and her will updated beforehand. Or, maybe you could have drawn up a contract for her to pay you hourly wages and benefits.
I also do a lot of care for my mother and see her three times per week whereas my brother visits once per year. Like you, my mother designated all her assets be split 50/50 when she dies. I knew that was her will all along.
Its not a question of “deserve” or “fairness” or even “who is her favorite” or “who does she love the most.”
We all made our own decisions.
You could also have discussed with your parents them paying their share of household expenses before they moved in with you. Or them not moving in, and hiring help.
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