I moved back from LA to Florida, fixed cleaned out and sold her home brought her to ft Lauderdale and now she is not “happy” never happy. She wants to move out on her own but is really only about 60% independent. I believe she has some dementia and she is 84 years old. I took her to see and independent retirement center that also has assisted living. It is the cats meow and guess what? She does not like it. I told her I won’t help her find a place of her own if I don’t feel like it will address her needs ( not just her wants). I however believe that “if” she has the capacity to figure it all out on her own than she may just have the where with all to have what she wants. Can anyone weigh in, my other choice is to force her to go to the retirement community. Force does not feel like the right choice. However her reality is she is no long as independent as she thinks she is. And I do feel partially responsible for finding her a safe place that she will have her many needs met and not by me as this living situation has affected my health due to the stress of trying to please my unpleaseable mother. Help, I feel like a failure and I am going down with the ship. Thank you in advance Tammy the dutiful daughter

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Has your mom ever been different, or is this kind of "who she is"?
Dutiful Daughters often do what they do in the fervent hope that some day they will hear what a dutiful and loving daughter they are. They don't ever hear that. They only take on more and more of the blame.
You cannot "force" your Mom to do anything, as likely you know well having been her daughter. She has no dementia that is diagnosed. You are not her guardian as yet?
I would take her to places, tell her the date you are leaving for home in LA (is home still there?). Then she can move within that time, or you will be gone and she will be on her own. Give her a list NOW of movers, of Emergency Services, or Caregivers, so she will know you mean business. It is up to her, unfortunately, and not you, what she chooses for her own life.
I understand the dynamics created by a difficult narcissistic parent and the children who knock themselves out all their lives in hopes of hearing they are a good child, but they never work out well for the child. You have my sympathy. Get the book Boundaries. It may help you to form some.
There is a good deal of grief to be felt over such a parent at end of life. But there is not guilt. Clearly you have done and ARE doing your best, and with no help coming of it. My heart goes out to you. In case you never hear it from Mom, you are a REALLY GOOD KID. I need you to know that. I also need you not to sacrifice your life to someone whose job was to sacrifice her life for YOU. Stay well and take care, and stand strong for yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Tammy you are not a failure! You went to LA and took care of getting the house sold which is a ton of work, and moved your mom so she could be closer to you. The fact that your mom is not happy has nothing to do with you, narcissists' are a special breed and when you are raised by one they groom you to react to their emotional manipulation in ways that make you feel responsible for their happiness.
You are NOT.

Try to detach emotionally so you can take care of business and get your mom out of your home.

When you say you will not help her unless you feel the place will meet her needs, what needs does she have now? There are lots of senior living complexes in Florida, does your mom need assisted living? What do her finances look like?

Do you have a durable POA and medical POA? Do you have any siblings?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ExhaustedPiper

Tammy, welcome!

If your mother is competent, you cannot "force" her to do anything. You can only control what YOU do.

So, if you stepped back and stopped "doing" for your mom, would she realize that she needs a more supportive living environment?

It sounds as though your mom is good at pushing your Fear, Obligation and Guilt buttons.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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