He is very hostile toward me. He doesn't want anyone but my mother helping him, and she has medical issues herself. How do I deal with this? It's causing tension.

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Reply to bolers1

What's that saying about not negotiating with terrorists?

My Mother only wanted Dad to help her. Even when he would be in hospital & post surgery! "I don't need other people to help me. He can do it." Yes you do need other people. No he can't do it.

Like your Father, they are focused on what they WANT & will deny, or cannot see, what they NEED.

You can be sympathetic to his wants, Yes Dad, Mom is helping you. So am I. So is (insert Aide's name). We are all in your team.

But organise the care he needs before your Mother's health is destroyed.
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Reply to Beatty

Because your father has Alzheimer's, he will be nearly impossible to reason with, as you already know. You can try explaining that if he doesn't let you help your mom, that you will have to hire outside help to come in and assist your mom, as she just can't do it herself anymore. But realistically, he probably won't understand all of that, and if he does, he won't remember it, so you just have to do what's best for him and your mom right now. Have you tried bringing someone else in to help, to see what his reaction is to them? If not, you may want to try that, just to see if he responds differently to them, than he does to you. And if he does respond more positively to the outside help, then you have your answer. And if the response is the same as with you, then you know it's not you, it's just him and if you chose to continue to help mom, then you'll just have to make the best of it.(if you choose to keep him at home) Or you and mom have the choice to start looking now for the appropriate facility for him to placed in, as things with your father, as you already know, will only continue to get worse, and with your mom's health issues, will just get to be too much for all involved. Wishing you the best.
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Reply to funkygrandma59

Arrange to get a needs assessment done for both Mum and Dad. This will make it clear to you and Mum what is needed. What Mum is capable of providing and what others will have to provide.

Once you have this information, you can tell Dad that he has 2 choices, accept care from you and perhaps hired caregivers, or residential care. Make it clear that Mum cannot and will not provide all his care.

Now you have stated Dad has dementia, so he likely will have to be told over and over again.

Is it possible for Mum to go away for a few days for Respite? If she is in the house, Dad will demand that she attend to him.
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Reply to Tothill

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