Me and my bf have been together 12 yrs. We have an 11-yr-old daughter. By the way, my apologies if my paragraph is all over the place. I'm currently sick with COVID-19. Anyways, my bf's mom is in her mid-60s and she is currently going through a much-needed divorce from an abusive, narcissistic man. She has been with us for 2 yrs as their divorce isn't over yet and she is driving us nuts! Ever since I met her, she's always seemed a bit off. She is overly inquisitive! She talks way too much, asks the most obvious, unnecessary and annoying questions. Lots of these questions she already knows the answer to. She's like a frickin' robot asking the same thing to each person in her phone every day. She's been like this since I've known her. My bf works across from where we live and gets a 1-hr lunch and two 15-min breaks and he usually comes home to eat. Every day this woman asks did he go to work? Did he come for break/lunch? Anytime he steps out the door, oh where did he go? She sees me cooking dinner and asks what I'm cooking when it's obvious. She'll hear a noise from outside and ask, "what was that?" Like we know! If she goes to stay with a relative for a couple days, she'll send me and her son the same exact text at the same time. I can't even think of all the questions off the top of my head, but she asks a million dumb questions every day. You can't watch a movie or tv show without her talking about some random crap. If a song or theme song is being played she'll sing it every time. She is constantly making some kind of noise. She is really attention seeking (whether good or negative). IDK if she is purposely being annoying or if she's totally oblivious to others' feelings/moods. I've learned that everyone gets annoyed with her. Her kids, ex-husband, siblings, extended family, etc. I almost feel bad because it seems like nobody likes her. She has terrible hygiene. Halitosis breath that smells up the room. Her armpits stink like B.O. so bad. She is constantly buying cute clothes trying to dress like she's 18. She wears crop tops every day and short shorts. It's embarrassing to go anywhere with her. People just stare at her when we go out. She thinks that she's so cute, but these clothes do not compliment her age or figure. She has terrible saggy skin from head to toe. Back to her divorce, her husband constantly harasses her with threatening/rude texts. She wants to call everyone, even her attorney, to gossip and complain after she has been advised to block him. She simply won't. She asked me to block him for her once, but then unblocked him the next day! I'm thinking because she likes the games and attention plus she won't have anything to complain or talk about! It's like she cries wolf and likes to be the victim. I can't explain it all but I hope readers can get the point. She is on the phone from the time she wakes up until bedtime and she's telling everyone she talks to the same story! Her conversations have no point most of the time. She gives every single detail of her day, even unnecessary ones. Let’s say she's calling me one the phone and I answer, Here's an example: Her: "Hey, I just woke up at 8am and got out of bed and went pee. I stayed up until 12 am last night watching this movie," and tells me the whole movie from start to finish. She always refers to characters as he/she before she gives background to the story. She confuses me when she talks because I never know who she is talking about even in a real conversation unless she says their names. Then, after she spends 10 minutes telling me about the movie, she's going to hop in the shower and wash her hair. She's going to go wash her car at this carwash and get this amount of dollars in gas. Just on and on. You can't get a word in edgewise. If I say something, she'll override me or pause for a second and continue talking about what she wants to talk about. Or she'll disregard what I even said and change the subject.
I think the place to start is to try to get as assessment of her physical and mental health. She may have unmet dental needs or other physical problems causing her bad breath. Her neglect of her hygiene could be a sign of depression. Her constant yammering could be a mental processing or memory problem. Her age-inappropriate clothing choices could just be her, though.
Get a handle on what's happening with her. Then you can start looking for options to her living with you. Once you know what she needs, you can more cogently discuss this with her son. Don't doubt it. He knows she's acting weirdly; he probably just doesn't know what to do about it.
It's high time to stop living with your boyfriend's mother. It's time for your man to as they say 'sh*t or get off the pot'.
After twelve years together and an eleven-year-old child together it's time for him to do what Beyonce advises.
'If you love it then you better put a ring on it'.
Time for the ultimatum. The two of you get married and find a home with the two of you and your kid sans his mom, or you will be taking the kid and going.
Is there a story behind that?
1. You move out with your daughter. Tell BF that he can "date" you. You can do things together but you will not live with him as long as mom is living in the same place.
2. Your BF tells mom that she has to move out. (please note that there is no other comment after the ".")
3. If you chose to remain in the same house as BF and his mom then you set some ground rules for yourself.
Since you are working from home you go to "your office" at 8:30 am and you leave "your office" at 5:00 or whatever hours you set. During your work day you are not to be interrupted by any one or any thing short of a fire or tornado. (no phone calls from anyone at this time as well)
I suggest that during the summer your daughter find some place to go as well. A friends house, summer program at the park district or even get a baby sitting job.
4. Find good headphones, earbuds, ear plugs or other sound deadening device and use them,.
5.Have a long serious talk with your BF this situation is not sustainable. I am not one to like ultimatums but 2 years of this is about 18 to 20 months to long. And at this point it would be "it's her or me" scenario.
I don't think you realize that yes it's you BFs mother but its your home too. That you may not pay the rent but you contribute in other ways. I bet you buy clothes for "his" daughter. Pay for dance classes. Its your home and "his" daughters home and you should be able to live in it without having to put up with a woman who does not shower and seems to have some kind of mental problem. She is separated from her husband and thinks its a good thing to stop working? And if he left her, he should be supporting her. He is responsible for her medical, etc till the divorce is final. Not her son.
As said, YOU have decisions to make here. This needs to be talked over with BF. You have good reasons why this is not working. If he is not willing to help Mom in finding another place, then you may need to move out. Its hard to live with someone who won't help themselves.
I would reread the posts and write down what you think you can do. Again, this woman needs help and she needs to be on her own.
I should make some background enquiries about whether she has always been the exhausting type - the sort of person who makes you wonder if perhaps they physically can't breathe without talking - or if this developed as some sort of nervous tic, or if there could even be something more label-able going on.
When she says she's going to hop in the shower and wash her hair, does she, actually?
In some instances you can get sick from a person's funk; maybe leave toothpaste and a toothbrush around the house, so maybe she gets the hint.
She may also have mental issues, and/or depression since slacking off with hygiene is one of the symptoms something is wrong.
Case in point. I was on a bus with a lady younger then bf mom. She did not clean her privates, and the smell she left after getting off the bus lingered for quite a while.
Good luck.
My advice to you is to get in your BF's ear about getting mom OUT of your home the very moment her divorce settlement comes through. Make sure she has other living arrangements set up for when that happens so that she's not taking ANOTHER few months to figure out where she'll live. Put earplugs in your ears and a nose clip on your nose and help her find other housing NOW if need be, to insure she's out of your home once that settlement comes through. To try and oust her out of your home now will likely be met with too much resistance (from her and BF) to be worth your while. Also buy a lot of Tic Tacs & other breath mints and offer them to MIL frequently. Also Listerine breath strips which I swear would strip the paint off of a car; those might help the rancid smell emanating from her mouth. Or a dentist's appointment, IDK. I'm sorry your daughter cries every time she smells grandma's breath.
Wishing you the best of luck trying to tune the woman OUT while you await her divorce settlement and departure from your home. Give yourself a time limit as to how long you'll spend with her, too. Don't feel the need to spend hours on end listening to her drone on; tell her you have to make an important phone call or something in order to escape! DO NOT make her stay with you too comfy, whatever you do, or she may decide it's TOO nice at your house to leave, God forbid! Also give her some chores to do b/c a house guest smells like FISH after 3 days and should pull their weight when staying with you!
It always amazes me to hear how clueless & out of touch some people are with regard to their own behavior. I hope the mirror in my house isn't lying to me, and that my breath isn't knocking a buzzard off of a sh*t wagon, honestly. Off to gargle now with some Listerine, just in case :)
You made my night with that remark Lealonnie! :)
I had to have this conversation with my dad and it was the HARDEST conversation that I have ever had in my life. He called me a liar because nobody else ever said anything. What? So maybe you and your daughter can say something. I always offered my dad breath mints, gum, used essential oils to cover the smell, kept windows open, even driving in the snow and he was oblivious.
Maybe, have him present it as a medical and dental issue that she should get checked. Then have your daughter tell grandma she needs a tic tac and a bath, you too.
Buy her some body wash, deodorant stick and suggest she use it. Above all live your life !!!
Hygene...this could stem from a neurological problem too. And dressing too young for her age could be because living with her husband lowered her self-esteem and she is trying to get it back. She probably could use some therapy too.
By SSI do you mean Social Security or Supplimental income. Two different things. Social Security will not be taken away but the Supplimental maybe once her divorce is final. If in her mid 60s she can collect Social Security and if 65 should be on Medicare. If not, she needs to be because there is a penalty for not getting it at 65.
40 yrs ago 2 yrs was about right for finalization of a divorce. In my state, at that time, you had to be separated 18 months before filing.
Is there any reason that this divorce is being held up? Is her husband contesting something or her? Hope she has a good lawyer because she does deserve some type of alimony. If they owned a house together, he either buys her out or sells and splits the profits. Time to get that all settled.
In my area we have HUD subsidized apts. Rent is 30% of your monthly income. So that is about $360 a month for BFs mom. She pays electric and cable. She may qualify for food stamps. There are food banks and government food give aways. And maybe she can get a p/t job? She would need to stay within her income level for the apt. though. Really, I am surprised that her husband has not had to support her until the divorce was final.
Your BF needs to realize that he may be disabling her. Even though BF pays the rent, seems like you are contributing by paying the utilities and you, too, work. BF and you need a sit down somewhere alone. Tell him you cannot go on much longer with Mom living there. She is driving you and his daughter nuts. She needs help because what she does is not normal. The one reason my nephew has never lived with me (he has disabilities) is because of his Hygene. My family is very blunt with him. He must shower, from head to foot, to enter our homes or if we take him somewhere. Maybe you and BF need to sit her down and be blunt. You must shower everyday. You must brush your teeth morning and night. Put on clean clothes. If you are not willing to do these things, then time to find a place of your own.
I will say though, that bad breath could be a sign of a health problem. If her breath smells like rotten eggs it could be gum desease and needs to be taken care of by a dentist. I really think she is due for a good physical labs and all.
For you, change your mindset. Your BF maybe paying the rent but you contribute by paying bills and having a job. So its your home too and you have a right to live in it without the constant chatter and smell. Your relationship is not new and you have a child together. Time to sit Mom down and say "this is not working". I would probably tell her she needs help. That the constant talking, not taking care of herself, bad breath and BO, are not normal. Her talking is like an anxiety thing. There are meds for that. Her hygene...its not fair that you have to deal with it. (I bet anything she touches smells, been there) If she refuses to see a doctor and a dentist, then you may need to say "then u no longer can live here". And, someone should go with her when she sees a Dr. Be in the exam room. Tell it like it is.
Its not up to you and boyfriend to care for Mom. She is still married and that should fall on her husband.
And if she doesn't have a lot of money there are low income senior apartments that she can apply for.
The fact that your boyfriend allowed his mother to move in tells me that he is more of a problem than his mother is, and that it may be time for you to reevaluate your current situation, and do now what is best for you and your daughter, And yes, that may mean that you will have to move out on your own.
And it may be just the wake up call your boyfriend needs to once and for all get his mother out of his house and to start making you and your daughter his priority instead of his mother.
And on a side note, just because his mother lives with you, doesn't make you a "caregiver" as it sounds like she's more than capable of taking care of herself, even though you may not agree with some of her choices.
This forum is for real caregivers, with real issues,(or at least that's what I thought)and in my mind this just doesn't qualify as a real caregiving issue.
Your boyfriend and you would probably be best served by going to some kind of therapy.
You have criticized the woman from head to toe, her skin, her hygiene, she is embarrassing to you, what she says, how she says it, her comments are dumb, on and on. Almost sounds like an mentally abusive husband. Surely you can find at least one redeeming quality about the mother of your husband.
Does she have other children that she might be able to live with? Is there a reason she has not moved on to her own place? Can you get her involved in any hobbies or outside activities? Maybe your feelings toward her have become so huge because there's just too much time together. It can even happen to spouses who retire and find themselves alone all day with the same person: his chewing irritates her, she watches too much TV, one talks on and on, etc. When you're used to a quiet surrounding and then add other personalities to your environment, it can be irritating. If she can't move out, then I'd suggest to get her involved in an outside activity.
What plans have you discussed about Mom. If she gets mail at your house she is a tenant whether she pays rent or not. Getting her moved will be problematic.
Basically I am saying that you and your boyfriend need to sit down together and discuss what the plans are, and how --TOGETHER--you will present them to a still young Mom who has perhaps easily three decades of life left that I assume you don't want lived WITH YOU.
Time to wait for a calm time when you and boyfriend can talk together. Either you will come up with a plan or he will say Mom can stay as long as she needs to (which means forever) and you can make your OWN plans to move on. At least that spares you the divorce proceedings.
I sure wish you luck. For now leave this until you feel well. Then talk.
If his mother really bothers you so much, have you considered finding your own place to live?
some women are famous for trying to make life terrible for other women.
Smile, nod, make small talk. Get along. Idk.
Otherwise.. start really pushing for her to move out to her own place.
In case no-one has let you know this important piece of info: You can't change other people. Not their personality, their outlook on life, their habits.
You can only change yourself.
So you can be happy you live in a multi-gen household (although very annoying at times) or not. You can accept your MIL lives there. Or not & push for her to move. Venting has it's place, definately. But action is the next step.
What does your daughter think? Does MIL make her uncomfortable? Does she enjoy sharing with her grandmother?
How old is MIL? Does she have enough money for Senior or Assisted Living? Is she paying you her fair share of total household expenses? What is her income? Could she get a job (preferably with a uniform that's not so 'cute')?
Commiserations about Covid, and it must be even worse locked up with a loony. Use the time to think about how to finish it! Yours, Margaret
Do you want to be living with your MIL? If not, what steps have you taken to help re-home her?
My boyfriend works 6 days a week and is barley home so , I'm stuck at home with her as I work from home. I wouldn't mind her here if she wasn't so attention hungry and cared about her hygiene. I do not want to entertain a crazy woman all day and listen to her dwell on her abusive marriage while smelling her. She isn't my mother so is it my place to make decisions about her? Her son pays the rent and I pay utilities so I almost feel like it's more his decision about her.